Monday, January 16, 2012

Farts On My Facebook Feed

Facebook is changing. It changes every few months. Mr. CEO Bitch keeps putting it through what we’d call in human terms ‘a plastic surgery’. I remember how clean and nice facebook used to look when I first joined it in 2007. It was Colgately white, and it displayed your profile picture in full size on your profile, making you feel like Shahrukh Khan on a RA.One poster. No matter how disgustingly full of -I am da kewlness- your profile was full of, it made you feel like a superstar.
The Bitch must’ve been dumped by a number of girls/guys plenty of times before he developed the idea of stealing facebook. He knows that no matter how deep Usha Utthap’s voice may be, the rest of the world is shallow. They get bored of the same skinny face, curly hair and utterly idiotic smile that he keeps posting on his wall. Uh, I mean face. He knows that MySpace, Hi5 and Orkut have lived their share of Rani Mukherjee, Preity Zinta and Esha Deolism for a period of two years each, after which no one wanted to be associated with them. Facebook had to be different. It had to constantly change from Sushmita Sen to Katrina Kaif to Chitrangdha Singh to maintain the obsession among us homo sapiens. With the timeline format having released recently, he’s again managed to give us something new to pass our time with and develop an obsession for.
I’m really happy with the way my facebook profile has started to look. It’s like my profile’s bald pate got a hair transplant with the new Cover Photo. My profile looks colorful and nice, but as soon as I click on the home button, it brings me back to reality. It’s not just my profile that facebook is made of. Facebook is full of a billion other dewds and dewdettes, out of which a few hundred have sworn to torture my home feed. It’s like they’re camping on my home screen like Anna Hazare at Ramlila Maidan. But for heaven’s sake, I support Anna and not any member of Dewdland. Anna is working for a great cause and shares his first name with Kournikova, while the Dewdites can’t stop acting like Hrithik Roshan in Main Prem Ki Deewani Hoon. Effing annoying!
To err is human. And, I know a lot of people might find me pissing off. Well, I’m sure a lot of them do. There’s a page called ‘Sarthak Ahuja stop irritating people’ on facebook. Though the page shows someone else’s photograph, and I found that other Sarthak Ahuja on facebook soon enough, but I choose to believe that the page could be directed towards me. So, I’m forgiving all of you random strangers, who I accepted as friends just because there are some 50 odd mutual friends that we have and I don’t have the heart to ignore your requests. But there are a lot of things on my home page which I’ve had enough of. Here’s a list of a few things which I do not wish to see in my home feed any more.
  1. Aap _______ Hain
I guess it all started with the ‘Aap Chu***e Hain’ page. The first time that I got to know of the page’s debut on facebook, it made me react in a way, which if any of my Aap Yaar Hain would’ve seen, he’d have surely posted a Aap Siddhu Hain on my wall. Aap Funny Hain was my feeling towards all those who made such pages. It gradually turned into a Aap Velle Hain. Soon these pages started multiplying like wild mice and were as omnipresent as Johnny Lever in the 1990’s. If you told me that you made one of such pages, I’d have thrown a Aap Desperate Hain on your face, or maybe a Aap Tharki Hain. But Aap Sudharne Wale Toh Nahi Hain, isliye Aap Chape Hain. Just like the cycle of life repeats itself from birth to rebirth, romance rebuilds from a break up to a new relationship and Monty returns from Karz to Karzzzz, the adjectives used came back to where they started. Since you don’t seem to stop and want to keep the cycle going, I don’t think Aap Chu***e Hain, but Aap Chutiye Hain!
  1. R.A.N.D.O.M.
It’s funny how almost every girl on facebook has an album called R.A.N.D.O.M./Randommm/ Randomness/Randomness at its best/RaNdOm… Ha! Funny. Not. If everything that you’ve ever done is so random, you shouldn’t really be crying your eyes out every night trying to find answers to questions like why he left you. He left you ‘cuz your vocabulary is confined to the words “I Love You”, “Why Did You?”, “I Hate You”, “Random” and a recent addition “Kolaveri Di”. I can imagine the torture your ex-boyfriend must’ve had to go through, listening to your description of the make out session as “OMG, Random!” You soon learnt the word “Awesomeness” and realized how it described the activity you were a part of more accurately, but sorry, babe. It’s too late. If you upload any more albums with pictures of yourself grinning like Mr. CEO Bitch, trying to make your ex jealous, please don’t title it ‘Random’. If you do, learn what RANDOM actually means apart from making you look like the similar sounding Hindi word whenever you use it.
Randomness for Dummies Lesson #1 – R.A.N.D.O.M. = Run And Never Date Other Men.
  1. ! @m $o kEwL
It pains me to see how you spell words. I don’t mean to be rude, but I hope you’re not from a school equivalent of Lovely Professional University. You’re not? Oh good. That’s what I thought. ‘Cuz you look uneducated, you filthy scumbag. I guess you still haven’t figured out why no decent soul on the face of this facebook has ever cared to chat with you. First of all, you take ages to type by holding down the Shift key after you punch every second letter on your keyboard, thus making your replies as late as the release of Shiney Ahuja’s Ghost. Secondly, your typing ‘$’ in place of ‘S’ is not a way of showing the ‘hawt gal’ on the other end that you have a lot of cash. Well, if she replies back in the same way, and you want to PrintScreen the chat and email it to me, remember that after all it’s just a ‘hawt gal’ you’re chatting with. So, chill out, bro.
‘@’ is a character used in your email id and in the comments section of my blog to give me jalebis, and not in place of the first letter of the English alphabet.  May your Lord Rajnikant also wipe your fake RayBan tinted brains clean so that you know that it’s not effing ‘cooldude<AT THE RATE>hotmail<dot>com’. It’s as simple as ‘cooldude<at>hotmail<dot>com’. Your lack of education will not get you a job as a peon at Karur Vysya Bank if you start reciting ‘at the rate’ irrespective of whether you’re talking about interest rates/pimping yourself away, or narrating something as simple and wannabe as your email id.
  1. Tommy Bhatia
I have a few more thick headed jelly brained losers on my friend list who’ve made profiles for their dogs/cats/babies/known-souls-who-poop-in-the-open. Putting up pictures with their pets on their own profiles wasn’t enough. These recently shifted to South Delhi/DLF Gurgaon jerks have pets who’ve tasted rotis only in the form of Pedigree biscuits. Catty Perry and Snoop Dogg are all what these pets listen to. Having a kennel as big as a 2BHK wasn’t enough that they want a facebook profile now. If my dadi was tech cool enough to understand this upcoming trend, she’d have shown her discontent by saying, “Aaj kal ke kutte bade tez hain. Mehngaai ka zamana hai. Humaare time mein toh do paise ki sabzi aa jaati thi.” Yes. If it pisses my dadi off, you don’t know how much a dog’s picture showing him wearing Dolce Gabbana glares makes me cringe. And, the owner does not stop at just making a profile for the beloved “Don’t call him a dog. He’s my baby”. He/She will fill up the dog’s Info section better than I have ever cared to work on my profile. Tommy Bhatia (name changed) is interested in ‘bitches’. Wow! That explains why he never bit his ‘mommy’ or even if he did, he probably made her think that it was just a hickie and as a consequence got some slutty butt-spanking soon afterwards. Kinky, eh?
And obviously, there are those very cool parents who make a facebook profile for their child even before he/she is born. Pictures of his/her delivery, 1st day, 2nd day, 1st poop, 1st puke will be uploaded and status messages updated even before Sanjeev Kapoor will finish saying the word ‘swaadanusaar’ after ‘namak’. They plan to hand over the password to their child as a 7th birthday gift (‘cuz aaj kal ke bache internet savvy hain, bhayi), but they fail to realize that their kid will anyway be too embarrassed of whatever shit his/her parents have put up on his/her profile, and will have another profile ready with the pseudonym <First Name> Stinson <Last Name> even before he/she grows his/her first tooth.
  1. Traveller a.k.a. Facebooker
Over the past two weeks, no one pissed me off more than a college classmate who cluttered my home feed day and night with words like: “Feels great to have awesome sea food at the Taj houseboat on the Kerala backwaters and then indulge in an hour long body massage treatment by Korean hands. Nirvana.” The miserly Babumoshai has never had the heart to spend a three hundred on an internet recharge on his BlackBerry, but was on the lookout for a CafĂ© Coffee Day throughout his recent trip to Kerala so that he could connect his phone to free wifi and update his facebook status. First of all, I’m not interested in knowing how much fun the jerk had typing on his phone while at a beautiful place like Kerala. Second of all, I’m not interested. Period.
People fail to realize how updating their facebook status and cluttering my home feed with their bullsh*t while on a holiday will not make me think that they know how to ‘Live It Up’. It shows how their holiday is as boring as staring at Archana Puran Singh’s underarm sweat-patch grow on the sets of Comedy Circus.
This idiot has no sense of sentence structure and usage of punctuation marks. He forms sentences as long and confusing as Salman’s locks in Veer. His sense of humor is as bad as  Sona Chandi Chyawanprash, but he will not stop before he posts the link to a new post on his blog on the walls of at least indiazillion people and tag another chinazillion to the same. He’s the biggest pain in the right butt cheek ‘cuz neither does he stop himself from cluttering my home feed, but also can’t stay off my nayi-naveli facebook timeline. Sarthak Ahuja stop irritating people.

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