The Indian Wedding Danceology

I have a cousin who’ll be getting married this year. He got engaged In January, and the “shaadi ka laddoo” will be stuffed down his throat in late October. He’s been gymming regularly, trying to lose the love handles. I won’t make a joke on the feeling of love that one loses a few years after marriage. My dadi will scold me if she hears such wisecracks. It’s a happy time and I should “shubh- shubh bol”.

My cousin’s preparations for the wedding include running on the treadmill for four hours a day, eating celery, making his fiancée’s sisters laugh at lame jokes, and fantasizing about the D-Day; while the rest of us deal with more important things such as deciding between a sherwani and a suit, deciding on the girls we will hit on from the opposite side, and thinking hard to make a list of all the embarrassing things that the soon to be groom has done over the past 26 years of his existence so that we have a better chance with the Indian bridesmaids than their very own jija-ji. My bua prompts another point to be put on the list of preparations. It’s deciding on a dance track that each of us will be dancing to at the wedding.

Considering the number of Sunny Deol fans in my family, I don’t think there is even one person among us all who doesn’t idolize the above named actor when it comes to the art of dancing. I’ve had my stint as a dancer in inter-college dance competitions in Delhi University, but let’s leave that story for another day. The Ahujas and the Kalras are to dance, what Shiamak Davar is to heterosexuality. So, to save everyone in my family from the blame of the apocalypse just two months before the world comes to an end, I have compiled a list of songs and dance moves that we are sure to be able to pull off perfectly. Before I present the list, I would like to thank all those from Bollywood who invented these moves.

Ek Pal Ka Jeena: The Pump and Clean

They say that the first impression is the last impression. Being butter chicken and shahi paneer eating Punjabis, no one understands the statement better than members of our clan. The impression of the first drop of orange butter chicken gravy on a white shirt is the last thing to leave the fabric. So, we plan to start the dance performances with an inspiration from the God of dancing in India. It’s sure to make all the ladies stop ogling at each other’s gold for a few seconds.

“Ek Pal Ka Jeena” from Kaho Naa Pyaar Hai introduced a step to the Indian masses that was not just easy to pass off as dance, but also much practiced by us all. Everyone from a Nokia 1100 to a BlackBerry Torch owner would break into a –keep one hand stationary and pump with the other- as soon as this Lucky Ali song would play at a birthday party. It was an instant rage. People did not just stop there. They loved to rub their palms away on their chest like Hrithik would do with his eleven fingers. The step is easy to pull off and is perfect for shaadi time in India, when people save their plates by keeping one hand stationary and pushing people away with the other. The lyrics “Khaali haath aaye the aur khaali haath jaayenge” also hold true as everyone does his best to eat enough to be able to compensate for the money gifted as sagan.

Woh Ladki Hai Kahan: The Chicken Dance of India

India was called the “sone ki chidiya” much before America was even discovered. There’s no way that they could have a Birdie/Chicken Dance before us. It took us a slimmer version of the present Farah Khan, a beardless Saif Ali Khan and a long forgotten about actress to get together and give the country its very own bird dance. “Woh Ladki Hai Kahan” from Dil Chahta Hai was an instant craze among toddlers and oldies alike. What makes it easier to dance to is that one doesn’t need the song to be played on a music system. One can just go “taen-nae-nae-nae-nae” with hardly any effort on the vocal cords and flap away to glory.

We’ll bird flap our way to pretty girls’ hearts with these “cute” steps after the macho Hrithik moves.

Dola Re Dola: The Sweat Patch Exhibit

Seeing the males dance like wild peacocks high on “hari chutney wale tikke”, the women are sure to get turned on and run towards the stage. Now, I have a plan. We want to impress the girls from the other side, but the dulhe ke saale sahib dare not check out our ma-behens. So, we’ll have “Dola Re Dola” from Devdas blare out of the Ahuja labeled speakers as soon the lehnga team lands on the dance floor. A lot of our families’ ladies are no less than Asin in the “Rexona No Paseena” advert, but c’mon, I bet all the talcum powder on Remo D’souza’s face can’t keep sweat from seeping through Chandni Chowk made wedding blouses and saaris. Muhuhahahaha. I dare you to get turned on by sweaty glitter. I dare you!

Jawani Phir Na Aaye: The Crotch Massage

A wedding is a time for celebrations. We’ll celebrate the unlimited glasses of Pepsi, Limca and Fanta. We’ll celebrate the qurbaani of the chicken who got buttered. And, we’ll celebrate the look on the dulhe ke saale sahib's face after we ruin his chances of eyeing our women. Ask Shiamak and he’ll tell you that celebration is dance. That brings us another dance to show off our moves and massage our crotches like Salman Khan ‘cuz we get the girls.

“Jawani Phir Na Aaye” from Mujhse Shaadi Karogi is one easy-sweasy step to show the flexibility in our bodies and at the same time rub it in the saale sahib’s face. Pun intended.

We’ll whack all the towels from the hotel’s housekeeping store, smear them with sweat and curry, and celebrate by reminding ourselves of our second foreign trip to the world capital of massages, Thailand.

Hudd Hudd Dabangg and Humka Peeni Hai: The Erectile Dysfunction Anthems of India

 It’s in our blood to show off. And we don’t just show off, we SHOW-OFF to remind others how we’re in a better place than them. We will not stop at just a gentle crotch massage. We’ll go a step ahead and boast about how we live life by Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest.

The steps for these songs are easy. First, highlight the area where your body forks into two hairy beasts. Oh, sorry! Did I say “two”? I meant “three”. Then show how your pants refuse to fall down even on vigorous shaking because something solid holds it in place, preventing it to slip down until you unzip.

Second, make an airplane with your hands in front of your belt buckle; make it rise up and then immediately collapse in two seconds, thus telling the story of the opposition’s misery. It’ll remind them to take a trip via Agra after the celebrations, and will serve them right for trying to pelvic thrust their way to the dance floor!

Singh is Kinng: The Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation Technique for Royals

Diabetes, Daaru and Dance is a deadly combination, and a big fat Punjabi wedding makes a crazy cocktail out of the given ingredients. Who said Punjabis were stupid as compared to Tamils? Sorry, sir, but we also make doctors who not only make money by operating on fellow-bhangra men but also give our Canada return ladies body enhancements that take all eyes away from the flower-laden stretch Camry that awaits the newlyweds after the “taaron ki chhaon mein” ceremony.

Since we’re all aware of the harmful effects of “ek peg aur” and heavy doses of food cooked in Madhusudan ghee, we’ll move towards the closing of our dance routine by punching ourselves on the chest with one hand, and holding our ladies in the other (for support). We’ll take all precautions to save our team members from a heart failure, but in style! The title track of Singh is Kinng will help us do so in a dance form for health conscious, ladies’ men, who pump their hearts using their dhaai kilo ke haath, and sway slowly in a state of inebriation.

Nagin: The Eff this Shit, It’s My Wedding Dance

Since all of us, excluding the dulhe raja, would have prepared for an evening of booty shaking; and going by the dance performance that my cousin put up at the time of his engagement, the climax of the dance routine will be when the unprepared dulha will not be able to resist the temptation to rape the dance floor with his only move. High on the thought of finally having landed with a girl, he’ll Nagin his way through uncles with glasses of whiskey on their heads. I’m sure no one will care for how he dances. ‘Cuz an uncle at the wedding will say: “Aaj khud naach raha hai, kal se who nachaayegi!”

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