Sunday, July 22, 2012

Pros and Cons of Befriending a Girls' School Woman

They are all around us. The relation we share with them is like the one we have with the pigeons. The pigeons that silently walk into our rooms whenever we open the doors to our balconies. They look endearing at times, with the queer pink and green gently merging into a shiny coat around their necks. They’re different than the others, with those two pellets of homeopathic medicine craftily attached to the top of their beaks. Their B-boying necks and throaty coos remind us of some of our childhood’s favorite rap-stars. And at other times, when we get over thinking about things from the past during our study time on our cozy beds, their coos sound jarring. We get up and run towards them, making them fly into the open skies, from which they return and paint our clothes with a mix of white and green. These pigeons; we hate them for the crap they stain our clothes with. Well, they’re too harmless to hate otherwise. So, we just scrape away all the old shit and wear the stains that they design for us on every random day. We don’t know if we’d miss them if they go. We don’t know if they’re too adorable or too annoying. They’re just there. And no matter how high a floor you climb, they’ll be there to stay. The pigeons; and the all girls’ school women.

I’m surrounded literally by more number of girls from all girls’ schools than Baba Ramdev is by shamelessly black chest hair. Answering why is a mystery unsolved. My sister is from a girls’ school, but that’s not to blame. Maybe it’s just the radar built in me by years of all boys’ schooling that poings, tings and buzzes with excitement on meeting others from the opposite sex, who have been schooled in the same way, and.. are equally lame?

My experience of being friends with girls from all girls’ schools pokes me from within. It reaches out to my soul, asking me to tell you about why or why not to befriend such girls. Words of wisdom follow. Please read in case of sheer boredom, or go befriend one of these girls anyway.

The Pros

Bhaisaab, Contacts:

The first lesson you need to learn is that you don’t just become friends with a girl from an all girls’ school; you become friends with her whole gang! These girls will not just talk about themselves like princesses, but will introduce you to every part of their being. They don’t hold friends close enough to call them BFFs, but they hold them so close that they all become a part of one living body and soul. Since the first movie that they saw taught them that a guy has to accept the whole package that they have to offer, you meet and befriend all those living and moving body parts that complete one such girl. You don’t just go for a lunch with her. You go for a lunch where you bump into the whole population of her school waving and awwing from all directions. She introduces you to at least three girls from every course and college in the university. Phone directory count exceeds three hundred. Bhaisaab, contacts!

Popularity, Sir ji:

Being immensely driven by emotions, girls from an all girls’ school will never just “not care”. They’ll either loathe you to the minutest atom of your pubes or adore you to the Johnsons baby pores of your butt cheeks. Either way, she’ll mention how much she hates/loves you to every person she messages, BBM and Skypes with. Which means a sixty-four hunded hits on your facebook profile a day, and friend requests from sixty-nine girls with Instagrammed profile pictures of pouts and glares. You’ll have the women whom she called “bi*ches” in school wanting to date you, and then her wanting to date you, too. So much popularity, sir ji! Kyunki nafrat ko pyaar mein badalte der nahi lagti!

Casanova, Kya Baat Hai:

Since this is far from the screenplay of Inception, it doesn’t take the brains equivalent of Rakesh Roshan’s forehead to understand where things are going to go. These girls’ obsession with Harry Potter, fancy stationery items and facebook photos drags you into a routine of uploading photos with your new girl pals on facebook every day. You forget that you have friends from school. You just pose like Ravan between nine feminine heads and feel awesome for not desiring any of god’s other ladies. Your swagger matches that of Akshay Kumar from Desi Boyz and whatever you mumble sounds like: “I’m like the Casanova of India, biyatch!” When your friends start commenting on your pictures, saying things like “ladies’ man”, you just say “Arrey, kahan!” and raise your hands in the air like Shahrukh Khan.

1, 2, 3, Girlfriend:

The beauty of the girl from an all girls’ school lies in the fact that she won’t even make you realize when and how you got into a relationship with her. Every time that someone asks you about how you started liking her will not just make you defy gravity with your arms, but also say words like: “Pyaar kiya nahi jaata, ho jaata hai.” So for all those lonely boys who wish to drown in the feeling of love before they hit the age of puberty, you know which schools’ conti passes to buy. Getting yourself a girlfriend from an all girls’ school is as easy as making Mahesh Manjrekar look stoned. Trust my loserness. All my ex-girlfriends have been from girls’ schools. Macho me, babbeh!

The Cons

Emotional Jwalamukhis:

There’s only a little science that goes into knowing how all girls’ school women act like after they trap you in a relationship. While the product life cycle curve rises to the peak and starts to decline after reaching the point of maturity, you should get yourself to reconcile with reality and accept that your love life is lightyears away from maturity, but declines nevertheless. Blame it not just on half the city’s involvement with your relationship but also on the unstable-estrogen-itis that your better half suffers from due to excessive exposure to nuns, BFFing and weekly night stays. You realize that in your case, the P in PMS stands for Perpetual. One day you make out like oldies sucking on lollypops and the other day you break up because, well, no one knows. I guess that’s why they say: No pain, no gain. So, leave behind easy peasy relationship starters, make some effort, go crazy trying to impress a girl for a year, and then finally land yourself with a girl from a co-ed background.


Beware. You’ll be jokingly adopted as a father, son, brother, or even a mother-in-law as soon as you make yourself a part of such a girl gang. It’s funny at first. Not! You realize the pain only after breaking up with your girlfriend, when you have to untag all her friends as aunt, mother, daddy, daughter, etc. from your facebook profile. You thought not listing your ex as your girlfriend on facebook was mature? Boo-yeah!

Ruins Your Chances with Your Ex’s Hot Best Friend:

Remember, every single time that you get into a relationship with a girl gang girl, you’ll somehow be tricked to falling in love with the second best of the lot. It doesn’t matter at first. You’re too much in love. Now, aww at yourself and shut up. Because just seven hours after your break up, you’ll realize that you’ve lost your chance with your ex’s best friend. She used to be the one who’d tell your ex that she has the most amazing boyfriend in the world, but tera toh cut gaya, maamu! No point in trying to relive memories of eyeing her best friend at the casual lunch you guys had at Khan Market one day. The best friend is just like a warranty card you get with your phone. You feel great having her around, thinking that you might get a shot with her some day. But, the day your phone breaks and you read the conditions on your card, you realize that the warranty doesn’t cover your loss.

Turns You Into One of Them:

You don’t just befriend a girl from an all girls’ school and live in peace. You’ll have to become an important member of her gang, win all her friends’ hearts, get into a relationship with her, get exposed to emotional imbalances, break up, lose your chances with her best friend.. And then move on by dating another girl from a girls’ school. It’s a vicious cycle. You lose the charm that impresses women from co-ed backgrounds. It doesn’t take long for you to realize that you’ve started behaving just like your ex.  You refer to some of the girls from her school as bi*ches, calling some other your bros/sisters, being invited to all of their girl parties.. And not too far away in the future, everyone on your facebook friend list realizes that you don’t have a shot with any of the girls you’re posing with in your latest DP. KLPD.

So, they’re like the pigeons, you see. Love them, hate them; you can’t get rid of them. They’re too important a part of your life.

P.S. Trust me when I say that Bollywood has a song for every situation. The mixed feeling of love, and desire for separation with a creature worth adoring: “Kabootar Ja Ja Ja.” Wah wah!

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Friday, July 13, 2012

Yo Yo Honey Singh's Gay Muses

India has lately been showing a certain level of advancement in the form of acceptance of the sexual preferences of its citizens. I know that it has been quite some time since same sex marriages got legalized, and I should instead write on people being sent to spend a Shawshank term in prison for calling a person from the North-east “chinki”. But, I’m random. So, kindly bear with the nonsense.

I’ve noticed how these days a lot of people are coming out of the closet, revealing details about their homosexual tendencies and preferences. It really is a good thing. It makes me feel kind of cool to know someone who is gay. Jim Parsons made people speculate for ten long years before he openly declared that he gets pleasure out of posterior humping and swelling. Neil Patrick Harris broke a number of hearts on declaring that he is gay. And, it’s nice to see that the audiences still drown in a fruity bubble bath of awe on seeing these actors do their roles on screen.

But, I feel ashamed of admitting that the one industry which inspires most of my writing still fears letting the pussy out of the bag with reference to so many “heroes”. Bollywood, you disappoint me there. It’s shameful that some of our actors have to sport beards, marry former beauty queens and sell Idea sim cards to show their machoness. I mean, why not just let them go and do an Olay advertisement if they want to? It’s good that you let them act in movies where they wear floral shirts and play gay roles with straight guys that have biceps the size of Veena Malik’s boobs, but it is the limit when they have to go to the extent of having daughters with their wives to falsely project their straight sexual orientation.

To give these actors some encouragement to come out and declare their love for “pockets mein rockets”, I will play Satyamev Jayate. I’ll tell them how the dude-est punjabi munda of the country writes lyrics with these closet gays in mind. You thought your desi-Eminem, Yo Yo Honey Singh was really singing about doing brown girls? No, sir. Yo Yo ain’t “Yo Yo” for nothing. Here’s why.

Brown Rang

Leaving Bipasha aside, we really don’t have any brown girls in Bollywood. Yo Yo won’t write a song on your gulley ki brown kudi. Hell, even you wouldn’t, you brown b***ard. Going by the declining career line of Ms. Basu, and your annoying obsession with everything Bollywood, we’re just left with a few big brown names that fit the bill.

I could’ve said Ajay Devgn, but I’m sure no gay dude has teeth as disgustingly stained as his. You should learn how to floss, Ajay. You could’ve made it to the list that way. But don’t cry. We’ll give a Brown Rang award to your Manikchand loving teeth nevertheless. Now, scoot.

Shah Rukh started off as one of the members of the brown clan in the early ‘90s. The sucker painted his face with truck loads of mardon wali fairness cream and moved out. Abhi toh bach gaya, saale. Aage dekh lunga tujhe.

Now, there’s only one other brown thing I know in the industry. His clean shaven face got him no recognition in the industry in his initial years. He used to hang around near his mummy-papa like his paa’s organ hangs in Amar Singh’s puffy hands. There was no way that he could sell movies with his gay looks. So, he thought of bluffing his way to stardom by growing a beard for Bluffmaster and putting up the whole macho act. He instantly rose to fame, trying to act witty in Koffee with Karan, irritating the shit out of people like Preity Zinta, and haunting children in their dreams by coming dressed up in safari suits, selling yellow sim cards. People were convinced of his masculinity and he could choose to act natural in movies like Dostana and Bol Bachchan, gaining appreciation for acting out characters so effortlessly. We had Honey Singh recognize his true identity, and pen down Brown Rang for him. He saw how dear Abhishek must hardly be getting any food at home. His pig of a wife’s weighty issues are enough reason to inspire words like “Koi kamm utte jaave na, roti paani khaave na”. If you think Aishwarya’s gained weight ‘cuz of her pregnancy, I suggest you go watch Kahaani and see what Vidya Balan does with her belly.

Abhi Baby, I’d say: go for Honey. Don’t fear daddy Bachchan. Don’t you know, Yo Yo will “saambh lega tera pyo.

Dope Shope

It all started with Sanjay Dutt and later went on to Fardeen, but these innocent little spoilt kids with baap ka paisa learnt their lesson well in time and gave up on their dope shope. Good boys.

Nonetheless, there are these other incorrigible duds in the industry who think they can get away with any amount of alcohol and tobacco. Little do they realize that the censor board will not just blur out images of cigarettes in their hand, but if the need arises, their eyes may well be blurred out to hide signs of excessive alcoholism.

Honey-Man took it upon himself to set these guys straight. Uh, I mean gay. After all, what better method there is to spread a message than through a song? Salman bhai’s drinking habits are clearly seen in the little beer bongs hanging under his eyes. Giving a whole new meaning to nashile nain, he has not just accused Sonakshi of taking away the dil ka chain, but has himself taken away the chain of all the Mumbai pedestrians in his state of dope-shope-iyat. On top of that, his 1 BHK sized body frame sure makes him look like a “nashe di dukaan”.

The Badshah Khan is another dope ka shikaar. He smokes cigarettes at the speed with which my idiotic neighbor burns phuljhadiyan on Diwali night. It took Honey no time to see through Shah Rukh’s gay tendencies. One doesn’t have to be a grown version of Sherlock’s sperm to figure that out. He’s pretty much always been clean shaven, be it his face or hands/legs/chest. And, do you really think he’s married to Gauri? I couldn’t survive three relationships in four years, and he’s been married to a woman for twenty-effing-plus years! Yeah, right!

Honey paaji really is concerned about our Badshah Khan. Seeing how Shah Rukh smokes his cheeks hollow every year and then returns after a quarterly botox treatment, playing the game of SmokeCheeks-Botox-SmokeCheeks-Botox like I play Lava-Safety-Lava-Safety on the twin colored sidewalk tiles, Yo Yo had to put some words to music and dance on a yacht in the hope that SRK will “enna vi na dope shope maareya karega” in the future.

Angreji Beat

Bollywood is full of pseudo-angrez b*tches. One Sallu miyan wasn’t enough to meet the fake inglis accent quota for the reserved classes, that we needed Deepika’s pseudo-Bollywood member ex-boyfriend Siddharth Mallya to shower visions of weird curling of his lips on us. There are so many of these angrez in our film industry that it must have been really hard for Yo Yo to fantasize about one while writing the lyrics for this dance number. Saif’s fake royal English and Farhan’s western rock inspired singing helped them make it to the second and third spot, respectively. But, the undisputed champion of angreziness remains our beloved Karan Johar.

Enough has already been said about Karan by the Star Parivaar Awards crew a few years back, when they asked him why he doesn’t marry Ekkta Kapoor. Such Hindi channel wale, I tell you. Karan won’t just marry any random guy, dude! He has been waiting for his Mr. Right all these years. Perfect timing for
Honey Singh to walk in. And our Punjabi munda does so in full naach gaana style. As soon as Karan told the world about his decision to judge a dance show on television, Honey came out with this popular number along with fellow gay pal, Gippy. Ab Karan ke bare mein main aur kya kahun? I’ll just wind up this post, feel good about having written tonight and let Yo Yo Honey Singh fantasize about “paaving bhangra Karan de angreji TEAT te.”

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