Sunday, July 22, 2012

Pros and Cons of Befriending a Girls' School Woman


They are all around us. The relation we share with them is like the one we have with the pigeons. The pigeons that silently walk into our rooms whenever we open the doors to our balconies. They look endearing at times, with the queer pink and green gently merging into a shiny coat around their necks. They’re different than the others, with those two pellets of homeopathic medicine craftily attached to the top of their beaks. Their B-boying necks and throaty coos remind us of some of our childhood’s favorite rap-stars. And at other times, when we get over thinking about things from the past during our study time on our cozy beds, their coos sound jarring. We get up and run towards them, making them fly into the open skies, from which they return and paint our clothes with a mix of white and green. These pigeons; we hate them for the crap they stain our clothes with. Well, they’re too harmless to hate otherwise. So, we just scrape away all the old shit and wear the stains that they design for us on every random day. We don’t know if we’d miss them if they go. We don’t know if they’re too adorable or too annoying. They’re just there. And no matter how high a floor you climb, they’ll be there to stay. The pigeons; and the all girls’ school women.

I’m surrounded literally by more number of girls from all girls’ schools than Baba Ramdev is by shamelessly black chest hair. Answering why is a mystery unsolved. My sister is from a girls’ school, but that’s not to blame. Maybe it’s just the radar built in me by years of all boys’ schooling that poings, tings and buzzes with excitement on meeting others from the opposite sex, who have been schooled in the same way, and.. are equally lame?

My experience of being friends with girls from all girls’ schools pokes me from within. It reaches out to my soul, asking me to tell you about why or why not to befriend such girls. Words of wisdom follow. Please read in case of sheer boredom, or go befriend one of these girls anyway.

The Pros

Bhaisaab, Contacts:

The first lesson you need to learn is that you don’t just become friends with a girl from an all girls’ school; you become friends with her whole gang! These girls will not just talk about themselves like princesses, but will introduce you to every part of their being. They don’t hold friends close enough to call them BFFs, but they hold them so close that they all become a part of one living body and soul. Since the first movie that they saw taught them that a guy has to accept the whole package that they have to offer, you meet and befriend all those living and moving body parts that complete one such girl. You don’t just go for a lunch with her. You go for a lunch where you bump into the whole population of her school waving and awwing from all directions. She introduces you to at least three girls from every course and college in the university. Phone directory count exceeds three hundred. Bhaisaab, contacts!

Popularity, Sir ji:

Being immensely driven by emotions, girls from an all girls’ school will never just “not care”. They’ll either loathe you to the minutest atom of your pubes or adore you to the Johnsons baby pores of your butt cheeks. Either way, she’ll mention how much she hates/loves you to every person she messages, BBM and Skypes with. Which means a sixty-four hunded hits on your facebook profile a day, and friend requests from sixty-nine girls with Instagrammed profile pictures of pouts and glares. You’ll have the women whom she called “bi*ches” in school wanting to date you, and then her wanting to date you, too. So much popularity, sir ji! Kyunki nafrat ko pyaar mein badalte der nahi lagti!

Casanova, Kya Baat Hai:

Since this is far from the screenplay of Inception, it doesn’t take the brains equivalent of Rakesh Roshan’s forehead to understand where things are going to go. These girls’ obsession with Harry Potter, fancy stationery items and facebook photos drags you into a routine of uploading photos with your new girl pals on facebook every day. You forget that you have friends from school. You just pose like Ravan between nine feminine heads and feel awesome for not desiring any of god’s other ladies. Your swagger matches that of Akshay Kumar from Desi Boyz and whatever you mumble sounds like: “I’m like the Casanova of India, biyatch!” When your friends start commenting on your pictures, saying things like “ladies’ man”, you just say “Arrey, kahan!” and raise your hands in the air like Shahrukh Khan.

1, 2, 3, Girlfriend:

The beauty of the girl from an all girls’ school lies in the fact that she won’t even make you realize when and how you got into a relationship with her. Every time that someone asks you about how you started liking her will not just make you defy gravity with your arms, but also say words like: “Pyaar kiya nahi jaata, ho jaata hai.” So for all those lonely boys who wish to drown in the feeling of love before they hit the age of puberty, you know which schools’ conti passes to buy. Getting yourself a girlfriend from an all girls’ school is as easy as making Mahesh Manjrekar look stoned. Trust my loserness. All my ex-girlfriends have been from girls’ schools. Macho me, babbeh!

The Cons

Emotional Jwalamukhis:

There’s only a little science that goes into knowing how all girls’ school women act like after they trap you in a relationship. While the product life cycle curve rises to the peak and starts to decline after reaching the point of maturity, you should get yourself to reconcile with reality and accept that your love life is lightyears away from maturity, but declines nevertheless. Blame it not just on half the city’s involvement with your relationship but also on the unstable-estrogen-itis that your better half suffers from due to excessive exposure to nuns, BFFing and weekly night stays. You realize that in your case, the P in PMS stands for Perpetual. One day you make out like oldies sucking on lollypops and the other day you break up because, well, no one knows. I guess that’s why they say: No pain, no gain. So, leave behind easy peasy relationship starters, make some effort, go crazy trying to impress a girl for a year, and then finally land yourself with a girl from a co-ed background.

Relations:

Beware. You’ll be jokingly adopted as a father, son, brother, or even a mother-in-law as soon as you make yourself a part of such a girl gang. It’s funny at first. Not! You realize the pain only after breaking up with your girlfriend, when you have to untag all her friends as aunt, mother, daddy, daughter, etc. from your facebook profile. You thought not listing your ex as your girlfriend on facebook was mature? Boo-yeah!

Ruins Your Chances with Your Ex’s Hot Best Friend:

Remember, every single time that you get into a relationship with a girl gang girl, you’ll somehow be tricked to falling in love with the second best of the lot. It doesn’t matter at first. You’re too much in love. Now, aww at yourself and shut up. Because just seven hours after your break up, you’ll realize that you’ve lost your chance with your ex’s best friend. She used to be the one who’d tell your ex that she has the most amazing boyfriend in the world, but tera toh cut gaya, maamu! No point in trying to relive memories of eyeing her best friend at the casual lunch you guys had at Khan Market one day. The best friend is just like a warranty card you get with your phone. You feel great having her around, thinking that you might get a shot with her some day. But, the day your phone breaks and you read the conditions on your card, you realize that the warranty doesn’t cover your loss.

Turns You Into One of Them:

You don’t just befriend a girl from an all girls’ school and live in peace. You’ll have to become an important member of her gang, win all her friends’ hearts, get into a relationship with her, get exposed to emotional imbalances, break up, lose your chances with her best friend.. And then move on by dating another girl from a girls’ school. It’s a vicious cycle. You lose the charm that impresses women from co-ed backgrounds. It doesn’t take long for you to realize that you’ve started behaving just like your ex.  You refer to some of the girls from her school as bi*ches, calling some other your bros/sisters, being invited to all of their girl parties.. And not too far away in the future, everyone on your facebook friend list realizes that you don’t have a shot with any of the girls you’re posing with in your latest DP. KLPD.

So, they’re like the pigeons, you see. Love them, hate them; you can’t get rid of them. They’re too important a part of your life.

P.S. Trust me when I say that Bollywood has a song for every situation. The mixed feeling of love, and desire for separation with a creature worth adoring: “Kabootar Ja Ja Ja.” Wah wah!

Image Source: inwlakorns.com

26 comments:

  1. seriously how do u come up with these topics.... care to elaborate...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aapka aashirwad hai, bhaiya. *jai ho*

      Delete
  2. OH.MY.GOD!
    This was bang on. To the 'minutest atom of your pubes' :P
    @@@@@

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aha! Women from girls' schools admitting to the accuracy of information. Glad :)

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  3. Mate....
    your amazing...
    how are you able to concile all these thoughts
    great work...
    keep going...
    @@@@@

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well, considering the fact that this post is based on pure stereotypes, and also because I'm from an all-girls' school, I find this borderline offensive.
    However, since we ARE talking about stereotypes, this post fits the description bang-on!The family-on-facebook part, the-everybody-knowing-your-name part and the always-hanging-out-with-an-entourage parts are so accurate. I always wondered how these girls functioned. I was never a part of the 'cool kids' in school, and always wondered, "Is this REALLY how people are in life?" Not that I don't have the best memories with some of them.
    However, I don't think this stereotype exists only for all-girls' schools, but all-boys' schools as well.
    Nevertheless, a good read :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Tanya.
      And, my sources from Carmel have told me that you're coolness personified :)
      Boys are the same everywhere. So a boys' school doesn't really make too much of a difference.

      Delete
  5. @@@@ = Sweet and Crisp! :)Halwai Shop mein Ghata hai... Being a BFIA u wud definitely understand.. :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks :D
      Hum paise nahi, dil kamaate hain :D :P

      Delete
  6. 10 years- girl's school. Surprised by the insight, and couldn't help saying EXACTLY! at every point.
    Here you go, @@@@@.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. St. Mark's. You wouldn't have heard of it.

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    2. Isn't that the school Pallav went to?

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  7. @@@@
    Well to be honest, when I began reading this I was all 'bah, what does he know'-types, then I sort of lost the point you were making with the metaphor and had to re-read the beginning.
    But then I got all the way to the end and I'd say that this, despite being very, VERY cliche, is brilliant!
    Yes, Im from an all-girls school too and I would vouch for the fact that a lot of this is more reality than exaggeration (as some would say... including me initially!) especially the bit about the emotional jwalamukhi.
    It is pretty evident that you speak as one well experienced in this area. However, you must be cognizant of the lesser known yet undeniable fact that every-girls-school-woman-isnt-like-that-amigo :) There are a few elusive saner ones out there too.

    A great read, nevertheless and hilarious to the core :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, thank you :)
      Another quality about all girls' school women is that all of them say that they're so different from the others.

      P.S. Just to prove your point that some girls are elusive, you decided to not reveal your identity? Yaar, naam toh bataati ja *holds heart* :D

      Delete
  8. u know wat ?reading ur article only made me believe more in the fact that all our sensory organs are INDEED selective in their functioning...we see what we want to see ,hear what we want to and definitely perceive(especially true in your case!) what we want to.

    u make every gal of gal's skool sound like a dumb barbie !!...nd dat is downright offensive !
    "You lose the charm that impresses women from co-ed backgrounds"?!!
    do u mean dat in order to impress gals from co-ed one needs to be more charming dan d one in gal's skool ?!...do not blame us, for ur lack of charm dat always inevitably manages to gt u stuck wid d same kind of person over and over again!


    nd even if we talk abt stereotypes ,u just cant seem to get it right!, "fancy stationary??!!" ...who does dat ?were you dating a 12yr old?...bcoz that wld be just ur OWN pedophiliac issues !


    #not-a-dumb-barbie-from-gals-skool !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, well. Criticism accepted, jwalamukhi :)

      Delete
  9. Firstly, comparing girls to pigeons? Highly annoying and disrespectful. You are objectifying women, even to the level of giving them animal-like qualities and making a sweeping generalization that all girls are as dumb as pigeons. Also, "Their B-boying necks and throaty coos remind us of some of our childhood’s favorite rap-stars". Who is reminded of rap-stars when you think of pigeons? Seems like you spend a lot of time bird-watching and hallucinating at the same time.

    Secondly, I have a little (read: huge) problem with the following. "Being immensely driven by emotions, girls from an all girls’ school will never just “not care”."- Not all women from all girls' (take it from me in writing) are driven by emotions. On the contrary, our schooling makes us strong enough to counter emotional attacks that guys like you try to make. And "Instagrammed profile pictures of pouts and glares"- this only makes it seem like you spend a lot of time checking those out. Speaks volumes about you. "You’ll have the women whom she called “bi*ches” in school wanting to date you, and then her wanting to date you, too."- Oh wow! Everyone wants to date you? Is it? "You just pose like Ravan between nine feminine heads and feel awesome for not desiring any of god’s other ladies."- So you accept your status as Ravan, then. Right. "Macho me, babbeh!"- again speaks volumes about you. " your love life is lightyears away from maturity, but declines nevertheless. "- Oh, so, you are saying that you could never enter into a mature relation with a girl from an all girls'? And you've dated tons of them it seems. Maybe, just maybe, there's something wrong with your maturity level. Just saying.

    Thirdly, you know what I gather from this entire essay. It is not about the pros and cos of dating someone from an all girls', it just seems like you (poor guy!) have dating issues. Either you haven't met the "right" kind of girls or you have some silly notions and stereotypes that you are unable to let go of. So, every time you enter into a relationship with a girl from an all girls' (who do you if you don't like them, anyway?) you tend you indulge in the same stereotypes and end up... single?!

    I am sorry I am commenting on this post that was written last year. I am from an all girls' and thought it needed this comment.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Correcting a typo... So, every time you enter into a relationship with a girl from an all girls' (why* do you if you don't like them, anyway?) you tend you indulge in the same stereotypes and end up... single?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You write so well! Want to write a guest post? I think you'll do a good job of "Sarthak Ahuja, STFU!"

      I'll publish it. Promise :D

      Delete
    2. :D Thanks!

      Maybe some day! ;)

      Delete
  11. I am fanned...totally....even though it's a massive case of generalization of women who go to all girls' institutions( and mind you, I dont :P)...it made for a good read, like your blog :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Medha. But fan toh mat bulaao. Itne bade bhi nahi hain hum :D

      Delete

If you had 5 Jalebis, how many would you give me for writing this post?

None = You don't deserve any >:O
@ = Soggy and stale! :(
@@ = Stale! :|
@@@ = I'll need a samosa to digest this with! :P
@@@@ = Sweet and Crisp! :)
@@@@@ = I'm opening you a Halwai Shop! :D