Pros and Cons of Befriending a Girls' School Woman

They are all around us. The relation we share with them is like the one we have with the pigeons. The pigeons that silently walk into our rooms whenever we open the doors to our balconies. They look endearing at times, with the queer pink and green gently merging into a shiny coat around their necks. They’re different than the others, with those two pellets of homeopathic medicine craftily attached to the top of their beaks. Their B-boying necks and throaty coos remind us of some of our childhood’s favorite rap-stars. And at other times, when we get over thinking about things from the past during our study time on our cozy beds, their coos sound jarring. We get up and run towards them, making them fly into the open skies, from which they return and paint our clothes with a mix of white and green. These pigeons; we hate them for the crap they stain our clothes with. Well, they’re too harmless to hate otherwise. So, we just scrape away all the old shit and wear the stains that they design for us on every random day. We don’t know if we’d miss them if they go. We don’t know if they’re too adorable or too annoying. They’re just there. And no matter how high a floor you climb, they’ll be there to stay. The pigeons; and the all girls’ school women.

I’m surrounded literally by more number of girls from all girls’ schools than Baba Ramdev is by shamelessly black chest hair. Answering why is a mystery unsolved. My sister is from a girls’ school, but that’s not to blame. Maybe it’s just the radar built in me by years of all boys’ schooling that poings, tings and buzzes with excitement on meeting others from the opposite sex, who have been schooled in the same way, and.. are equally lame?

My experience of being friends with girls from all girls’ schools pokes me from within. It reaches out to my soul, asking me to tell you about why or why not to befriend such girls. Words of wisdom follow. Please read in case of sheer boredom, or go befriend one of these girls anyway.

The Pros

Bhaisaab, Contacts:

The first lesson you need to learn is that you don’t just become friends with a girl from an all girls’ school; you become friends with her whole gang! These girls will not just talk about themselves like princesses, but will introduce you to every part of their being. They don’t hold friends close enough to call them BFFs, but they hold them so close that they all become a part of one living body and soul. Since the first movie that they saw taught them that a guy has to accept the whole package that they have to offer, you meet and befriend all those living and moving body parts that complete one such girl. You don’t just go for a lunch with her. You go for a lunch where you bump into the whole population of her school waving and awwing from all directions. She introduces you to at least three girls from every course and college in the university. Phone directory count exceeds three hundred. Bhaisaab, contacts!

Popularity, Sir ji:

Being immensely driven by emotions, girls from an all girls’ school will never just “not care”. They’ll either loathe you to the minutest atom of your pubes or adore you to the Johnsons baby pores of your butt cheeks. Either way, she’ll mention how much she hates/loves you to every person she messages, BBM and Skypes with. Which means a sixty-four hunded hits on your facebook profile a day, and friend requests from sixty-nine girls with Instagrammed profile pictures of pouts and glares. You’ll have the women whom she called “bi*ches” in school wanting to date you, and then her wanting to date you, too. So much popularity, sir ji! Kyunki nafrat ko pyaar mein badalte der nahi lagti!

Casanova, Kya Baat Hai:

Since this is far from the screenplay of Inception, it doesn’t take the brains equivalent of Rakesh Roshan’s forehead to understand where things are going to go. These girls’ obsession with Harry Potter, fancy stationery items and facebook photos drags you into a routine of uploading photos with your new girl pals on facebook every day. You forget that you have friends from school. You just pose like Ravan between nine feminine heads and feel awesome for not desiring any of god’s other ladies. Your swagger matches that of Akshay Kumar from Desi Boyz and whatever you mumble sounds like: “I’m like the Casanova of India, biyatch!” When your friends start commenting on your pictures, saying things like “ladies’ man”, you just say “Arrey, kahan!” and raise your hands in the air like Shahrukh Khan.

1, 2, 3, Girlfriend:

The beauty of the girl from an all girls’ school lies in the fact that she won’t even make you realize when and how you got into a relationship with her. Every time that someone asks you about how you started liking her will not just make you defy gravity with your arms, but also say words like: “Pyaar kiya nahi jaata, ho jaata hai.” So for all those lonely boys who wish to drown in the feeling of love before they hit the age of puberty, you know which schools’ conti passes to buy. Getting yourself a girlfriend from an all girls’ school is as easy as making Mahesh Manjrekar look stoned. Trust my loserness. All my ex-girlfriends have been from girls’ schools. Macho me, babbeh!

The Cons

Emotional Jwalamukhis:

There’s only a little science that goes into knowing how all girls’ school women act like after they trap you in a relationship. While the product life cycle curve rises to the peak and starts to decline after reaching the point of maturity, you should get yourself to reconcile with reality and accept that your love life is lightyears away from maturity, but declines nevertheless. Blame it not just on half the city’s involvement with your relationship but also on the unstable-estrogen-itis that your better half suffers from due to excessive exposure to nuns, BFFing and weekly night stays. You realize that in your case, the P in PMS stands for Perpetual. One day you make out like oldies sucking on lollypops and the other day you break up because, well, no one knows. I guess that’s why they say: No pain, no gain. So, leave behind easy peasy relationship starters, make some effort, go crazy trying to impress a girl for a year, and then finally land yourself with a girl from a co-ed background.

Relations:

Beware. You’ll be jokingly adopted as a father, son, brother, or even a mother-in-law as soon as you make yourself a part of such a girl gang. It’s funny at first. Not! You realize the pain only after breaking up with your girlfriend, when you have to untag all her friends as aunt, mother, daddy, daughter, etc. from your facebook profile. You thought not listing your ex as your girlfriend on facebook was mature? Boo-yeah!

Ruins Your Chances with Your Ex’s Hot Best Friend:

Remember, every single time that you get into a relationship with a girl gang girl, you’ll somehow be tricked to falling in love with the second best of the lot. It doesn’t matter at first. You’re too much in love. Now, aww at yourself and shut up. Because just seven hours after your break up, you’ll realize that you’ve lost your chance with your ex’s best friend. She used to be the one who’d tell your ex that she has the most amazing boyfriend in the world, but tera toh cut gaya, maamu! No point in trying to relive memories of eyeing her best friend at the casual lunch you guys had at Khan Market one day. The best friend is just like a warranty card you get with your phone. You feel great having her around, thinking that you might get a shot with her some day. But, the day your phone breaks and you read the conditions on your card, you realize that the warranty doesn’t cover your loss.

Turns You Into One of Them:

You don’t just befriend a girl from an all girls’ school and live in peace. You’ll have to become an important member of her gang, win all her friends’ hearts, get into a relationship with her, get exposed to emotional imbalances, break up, lose your chances with her best friend.. And then move on by dating another girl from a girls’ school. It’s a vicious cycle. You lose the charm that impresses women from co-ed backgrounds. It doesn’t take long for you to realize that you’ve started behaving just like your ex.  You refer to some of the girls from her school as bi*ches, calling some other your bros/sisters, being invited to all of their girl parties.. And not too far away in the future, everyone on your facebook friend list realizes that you don’t have a shot with any of the girls you’re posing with in your latest DP. KLPD.

So, they’re like the pigeons, you see. Love them, hate them; you can’t get rid of them. They’re too important a part of your life.

P.S. Trust me when I say that Bollywood has a song for every situation. The mixed feeling of love, and desire for separation with a creature worth adoring: “Kabootar Ja Ja Ja.” Wah wah!

Image Source: inwlakorns.com