Friday, July 13, 2012

Yo Yo Honey Singh's Gay Muses

India has lately been showing a certain level of advancement in the form of acceptance of the sexual preferences of its citizens. I know that it has been quite some time since same sex marriages got legalized, and I should instead write on people being sent to spend a Shawshank term in prison for calling a person from the North-east “chinki”. But, I’m random. So, kindly bear with the nonsense.

I’ve noticed how these days a lot of people are coming out of the closet, revealing details about their homosexual tendencies and preferences. It really is a good thing. It makes me feel kind of cool to know someone who is gay. Jim Parsons made people speculate for ten long years before he openly declared that he gets pleasure out of posterior humping and swelling. Neil Patrick Harris broke a number of hearts on declaring that he is gay. And, it’s nice to see that the audiences still drown in a fruity bubble bath of awe on seeing these actors do their roles on screen.

But, I feel ashamed of admitting that the one industry which inspires most of my writing still fears letting the pussy out of the bag with reference to so many “heroes”. Bollywood, you disappoint me there. It’s shameful that some of our actors have to sport beards, marry former beauty queens and sell Idea sim cards to show their machoness. I mean, why not just let them go and do an Olay advertisement if they want to? It’s good that you let them act in movies where they wear floral shirts and play gay roles with straight guys that have biceps the size of Veena Malik’s boobs, but it is the limit when they have to go to the extent of having daughters with their wives to falsely project their straight sexual orientation.

To give these actors some encouragement to come out and declare their love for “pockets mein rockets”, I will play Satyamev Jayate. I’ll tell them how the dude-est punjabi munda of the country writes lyrics with these closet gays in mind. You thought your desi-Eminem, Yo Yo Honey Singh was really singing about doing brown girls? No, sir. Yo Yo ain’t “Yo Yo” for nothing. Here’s why.

Brown Rang

Leaving Bipasha aside, we really don’t have any brown girls in Bollywood. Yo Yo won’t write a song on your gulley ki brown kudi. Hell, even you wouldn’t, you brown b***ard. Going by the declining career line of Ms. Basu, and your annoying obsession with everything Bollywood, we’re just left with a few big brown names that fit the bill.

I could’ve said Ajay Devgn, but I’m sure no gay dude has teeth as disgustingly stained as his. You should learn how to floss, Ajay. You could’ve made it to the list that way. But don’t cry. We’ll give a Brown Rang award to your Manikchand loving teeth nevertheless. Now, scoot.

Shah Rukh started off as one of the members of the brown clan in the early ‘90s. The sucker painted his face with truck loads of mardon wali fairness cream and moved out. Abhi toh bach gaya, saale. Aage dekh lunga tujhe.

Now, there’s only one other brown thing I know in the industry. His clean shaven face got him no recognition in the industry in his initial years. He used to hang around near his mummy-papa like his paa’s organ hangs in Amar Singh’s puffy hands. There was no way that he could sell movies with his gay looks. So, he thought of bluffing his way to stardom by growing a beard for Bluffmaster and putting up the whole macho act. He instantly rose to fame, trying to act witty in Koffee with Karan, irritating the shit out of people like Preity Zinta, and haunting children in their dreams by coming dressed up in safari suits, selling yellow sim cards. People were convinced of his masculinity and he could choose to act natural in movies like Dostana and Bol Bachchan, gaining appreciation for acting out characters so effortlessly. We had Honey Singh recognize his true identity, and pen down Brown Rang for him. He saw how dear Abhishek must hardly be getting any food at home. His pig of a wife’s weighty issues are enough reason to inspire words like “Koi kamm utte jaave na, roti paani khaave na”. If you think Aishwarya’s gained weight ‘cuz of her pregnancy, I suggest you go watch Kahaani and see what Vidya Balan does with her belly.

Abhi Baby, I’d say: go for Honey. Don’t fear daddy Bachchan. Don’t you know, Yo Yo will “saambh lega tera pyo.

Dope Shope

It all started with Sanjay Dutt and later went on to Fardeen, but these innocent little spoilt kids with baap ka paisa learnt their lesson well in time and gave up on their dope shope. Good boys.

Nonetheless, there are these other incorrigible duds in the industry who think they can get away with any amount of alcohol and tobacco. Little do they realize that the censor board will not just blur out images of cigarettes in their hand, but if the need arises, their eyes may well be blurred out to hide signs of excessive alcoholism.

Honey-Man took it upon himself to set these guys straight. Uh, I mean gay. After all, what better method there is to spread a message than through a song? Salman bhai’s drinking habits are clearly seen in the little beer bongs hanging under his eyes. Giving a whole new meaning to nashile nain, he has not just accused Sonakshi of taking away the dil ka chain, but has himself taken away the chain of all the Mumbai pedestrians in his state of dope-shope-iyat. On top of that, his 1 BHK sized body frame sure makes him look like a “nashe di dukaan”.

The Badshah Khan is another dope ka shikaar. He smokes cigarettes at the speed with which my idiotic neighbor burns phuljhadiyan on Diwali night. It took Honey no time to see through Shah Rukh’s gay tendencies. One doesn’t have to be a grown version of Sherlock’s sperm to figure that out. He’s pretty much always been clean shaven, be it his face or hands/legs/chest. And, do you really think he’s married to Gauri? I couldn’t survive three relationships in four years, and he’s been married to a woman for twenty-effing-plus years! Yeah, right!

Honey paaji really is concerned about our Badshah Khan. Seeing how Shah Rukh smokes his cheeks hollow every year and then returns after a quarterly botox treatment, playing the game of SmokeCheeks-Botox-SmokeCheeks-Botox like I play Lava-Safety-Lava-Safety on the twin colored sidewalk tiles, Yo Yo had to put some words to music and dance on a yacht in the hope that SRK will “enna vi na dope shope maareya karega” in the future.

Angreji Beat

Bollywood is full of pseudo-angrez b*tches. One Sallu miyan wasn’t enough to meet the fake inglis accent quota for the reserved classes, that we needed Deepika’s pseudo-Bollywood member ex-boyfriend Siddharth Mallya to shower visions of weird curling of his lips on us. There are so many of these angrez in our film industry that it must have been really hard for Yo Yo to fantasize about one while writing the lyrics for this dance number. Saif’s fake royal English and Farhan’s western rock inspired singing helped them make it to the second and third spot, respectively. But, the undisputed champion of angreziness remains our beloved Karan Johar.

Enough has already been said about Karan by the Star Parivaar Awards crew a few years back, when they asked him why he doesn’t marry Ekkta Kapoor. Such Hindi channel wale, I tell you. Karan won’t just marry any random guy, dude! He has been waiting for his Mr. Right all these years. Perfect timing for
Honey Singh to walk in. And our Punjabi munda does so in full naach gaana style. As soon as Karan told the world about his decision to judge a dance show on television, Honey came out with this popular number along with fellow gay pal, Gippy. Ab Karan ke bare mein main aur kya kahun? I’ll just wind up this post, feel good about having written tonight and let Yo Yo Honey Singh fantasize about “paaving bhangra Karan de angreji TEAT te.”

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  1. Ha Ha..This is good stuff :) Loved it

  2. How do you do this...! Incredible blabber-blabber-blabber! I hate the srk part though..and I can kill you for that, like LITERALLY. But what an awesome write up. You know what! Go sell your stuff to Brunch or something! You'll earn, my gay! ;) Oops guy, i meant! :p ahahahah! *Choli k peeche kya hai! :P lolz

    1. Tumhaare husn ne toh waise hi jaan le rakhi hai :P
      You really think so? I make a lot of grammatical errors. Lots of them!

    2. But that's copychecked by someone! So dont worry about it! I'm serious. TRY!

    3. I'll try. Fear of rejection thoda thoda hota hai :|
      But, I'm a brave boy :)

  3. Sarthaaak! Ahahahahha. I have SO much to say about this post man. Its brilliant :D
    P.S.- I really hope you re-checked the information about AB Baby. You never know when the paparazi goes wrong :P

    1. Jab papa mummy raazi, toh kya karega paparazzi :P
      P.S. Thanks yo. Kehde jo kehna hai :D

  4. Dear Sarthak,
    Can I call u Sarthak ? U are probably my brother's age. Yeah. My brother is 10 yrs elder to me. I am gonna turn 16 this Nov. Got diverted. Sorry. So, it happens that I stumbled upon your blog while Google-ing another Sarthak Ahuja ( no I did not google 'honey singh gay' or 'kapil sharma wig' , just so u know ), and oh my God. You are amazing. I am in love with your style of writing. Finding your blog is the best thing in my life that I can credit to Google ( except for all the marks I get on my assignments ). You are a wonderful writer. I don't know why, but it saddens me to know that only 1117 people in this whole wide country with a population of 1.25 billion, like your page. The way you observe the society so keenly, the minute details in our lives we could never bring to words, u convey them so effortlessly. So simple, yet so flawless. I am basically from Bihar, have been born and brought up in Mumbai, but by god ki kasam, dil se am a total Punjabi. A foodie, I talk a lot, I love to sing and dance, and am always very cheerful. Am a big potterhead. A kid who watched Cartoon Network when it had Dexter's and Popeye, not Ben 10 ( I mean, how do people even tolerate Chota Bheem ? -.- ) I connect with everything you write. After all, Mumbai n Delhi are only culturally different. You won't believe, but there are more North Indians here than Maharashtrians. You have the Metro, we have the Dheemi Local. You eat aloo chat, we have vada pav. You have more Hindi-speaking population, here its more of English. Other than that, I think most of our life experiences are quite relatable. T-BUB's comments on your posts are amazing. She's my age, right ? A fellow Potterhead :')
    Also, Honey Singh -.-
    Have you heard 'Isse kehte hain hip hop hip hop' ? You could write a week's worth of articles on how non-sensical someone can get.
    I would also love to suggest some topics to you :
    Justin Bieber - the fifth most hated person on Earth ( that's an understatement )
    Harry Potter
    Birthday Parties in India

    These are a few that are coming to my mind at the moment. Also, I would like to blame you beforehand for scoring low in my Maths test on Tuesday, because your write-ups have me engrossed so deeply, I have forgotten that I am in class 11 and have to study to achieve my aim in life which is to become the best Neurosurgeon in India.

    Being an avid and voracious reader, my best compliment to you can be that if writers like you are not recogonized soon, literature in this country is going to be fed to the dogs.

    My best wishes for your upcoming endeavours and amazing posts.

    Sincerely in love with your blog,

    P.S : Not to forget, here go some Shudh Dhara ke jalebis @@@@@@@
    And some laddoos as additional » oooo xD

    P.P.S: Laddoos are not motichoor. xP
    You can very well detect the Punjabi inside me from the length of thd message. Sorry if I bored you. This was just supposed to be a message from a fan.
    I forgot to mention something
    My WhatsApp status promotes u, and almost all my friends have already read your posts and are loving u. Am glad.

    one of my friends, Richa, corresponded with you some time ago. I inspired her B)
    I messaged your page on FaceBook, but you did not reply. Please reply. I need to ace my test. /\

    1. Hi, Isha! I received the same comment on email from you and I have replied to you in a special way that we shall not let others see! Secret! Ok? :D


If you had 5 Jalebis, how many would you give me for writing this post?

None = You don't deserve any >:O
@ = Soggy and stale! :(
@@ = Stale! :|
@@@ = I'll need a samosa to digest this with! :P
@@@@ = Sweet and Crisp! :)
@@@@@ = I'm opening you a Halwai Shop! :D