To
Ms. J.
Tongue
Behind The
Incisor Club
Male Oral
Cavity
Obese Male
Body – 44”46”42”
Dear Ms. Tongue,
I write this letter to you as a
disgruntled neighbor. I have never expressed my unhappiness at your uncouth behavior,
reflected not just in the way you talk, but also in the way you express your
desire to exchange saliva with every ingestible on this planet. I thought your
brothers, the incisors, had enough sense to punish you for your loose character
by giving you a hard bite sometime, but it pains me to see that they are
themselves into chewing hard sugar boiled candies. It’s sad how they’re not
just spoiling you, but also constantly wasting the enamel that they had
inherited. But, who am I to complain when the whole family survives on such acts
of indecency!
I do not care for how your family goes
about doing its personal business, but it is beyond my tolerability to see you
create filth around my property. I know you’re used to having the whole
compound to yourself. I wasn’t there for fourteen years, when you fro-licked
around on this piece of land, but I believe it is about time that you accept
the fact that the land was given to you only on lease and is now part of my
personal property.
I let you use my space for a long time,
when I was young, even after I got my occupancy rights. Your guests, the milk
shake, the cotton candy and the chewing gum would keep coming on to my space,
and I did not have a problem because I thought it was harmless fun. I used to
love it when the slender fingers would come, touch me and police your visitors
away to your abode. But I did not know that my silence would lead to acts that
would compel me to write this letter.
I believe you have a plethora of lovers,
all of them visiting you time and again. I remember the backward, southern
parts complain about your dirty habits and how they were suffering because of
your indulgent behavior, which you so inconsiderately term as “hot and spicy”.
I never paid much heed to all of that, thinking that who gives a poop to them
anyway. But now, you have crossed the upper lip and I will not stay silent.
I almost died of embarrassment when I noticed
your lover, the Rabri, hanging on to me like a shameless suicide case, when I
got back home from my cousin’s wedding and looked into the mirror. I figured
that all the bridesmaids were not smiling at me because they were impressed,
but because your diabetic, chape of a boyfriend was making me look like a
buffoon throughout the wedding ceremonies. I remained calm, only to see that
the following day, another of your lovers, the Dahi-Chaat was trying to escape
when he saw your third lover entering. I mean, this is the height! Your local road-pati boyfriends create a mess
around my house and publicly embarrass me to no extent! On top of it, when I
asked you to clean the mess, you complain that I am prickly? I’ve had enough!
It was a different scenario when I was
young. I’m a full grown handlebar mustache now. It is my sincere request, and a
serious warning, that you may not indulge in any more loose behavior. It is
causing immense trouble to our conservative and purdah-nasheen brothers from the backward southern states; creating
massive amount of difficulty for the legs due to the increase in the digits on
your pincode; and bringing shame to the shaan
of my good self.
“Mard
jeebh katwa sakte hain par moonchh mundva nahi sakte”.
Yours masculinely,
The Moonchh
************************
I would like to give credit for the
title to Pranav Karnad, a person who I do not personally know, but who wrote an
unrelated article by the same title here: MARD-
Moustaches against Rabri chaat and Dahi puri.
@@@@@
ReplyDeleteThanks. I'll eat 'em up, minding my moochh :D
Delete@@@@@@ really entertaining
ReplyDeleteThank you :)
Delete@@@@ :)
ReplyDeleteAnd congratulations about the 50th post!
Thank you, Spanish Armada :D
DeleteHahaha! Brilliant. Now can we expect a letter from Daadi too?
ReplyDeleteI'll need some personal experience for that. I see where that's coming from. Why don't you write one and I'll put it up :D
DeleteGrttt
ReplyDelete@@@@ ..
P.s. +1 ..is 4 ur tolernce :-)
Thank you.
Delete*unnecessary space*
P.S. I'm assuming you mean tolerating the muck by the tongue.
Nope ..nt at al ...fb msgs !!
ReplyDelete