Friday, June 21, 2013

Name of Thrones

Blame an erratic eating schedule, bile juices with the competence level of Dr. Manmohan Singh and a reading habit on the smartphone for my very frequent visits to the toilet. Yes, I’ve spent a quarter of my life in the washroom, washing my butt every few minutes without even doing the dirty business, either to make my rectum start believing in Rhonda Byrne’s Secret by doing everything that would fool the universe into believing that I just took a dump, even when I clearly did not; or maybe, I just love the feeling of a micro water cannon teasing my Deepika Padukone of a posterior while I hum balam pichkari.

On days when I’m home, multiple trips to the throne do not bother me. The bathroom is like my little fort made of couch cushions, where I just go whenever boredom starts taking over my brain looking like Ram Gopal Verma’s face. And then there are times when I really pray that such toilet expeditions would bother me enough to make me literally lose my shit. In times of laziness and in times of pain, the john has stuck with me through it all. I’m sure everyone else shares a very intimate relationship with this private space. We all praise the toilet for the beautiful environment it offers us to perform such varied everyday acts of self cleansing. It’s nothing less than an all encompassing, omnipresent super-space that men religiously pay their respects to on a daily basis. It has various forms, and different sections of the society call it by different names. Here, I introduce to you some beautiful words by which different sects address this Oprah of a homespace, and what it shows about their beliefs.

Bathroom ≠ Toilet

I always thought that the difference between bathroom and toilet was very clear. My eyes were opened when I was once told that when you’ve to go take a leak, you say “bathroom jaana hai”, and to relieve the anal wringing sensation, you state “toilet jaana hai”. I’ll be honest, I don’t remember the messiah who answered one of the most intriguing questions about life through this explanation, but I realized its validity when I started observing second generation domestic helpers and drivers saying “bathroom jaana hai” while showing me fists with their pinkies sticking out. Try some toilet humor with your driver or house maid if you can, and you’ll know that this shit is for real. Also, here’s a heads up. Try not to picture a person urinating while you think of the word bathroom. It’ll ruin all showers for the rest of your life.

Washroom Se Restroom Tak

One basic difference between junior school and high school is of a toilet and a washroom. High school is the time when you realize that “Ma’am, can I go to the toilet?” does not have the same ring as “Ma’am, may I go to the washroom?” I assume all the girls from Lady Shri Ram College called it “restroom” while in school. Oh wait; they didn’t? Then someone please do the honor of telling them that it’s a friggin’ canteen and not a mothafrikkin’ “cafeteria” as we don’t believe they were brought up with such a Bridget Jones’ vocabulary.

Note to self: Please ask a waiter for the way to the “restroom” at a restaurant. Saying “washroom” will make him reply with “Restrooms are this way, sir.” This will make you wonder how the waistcoated butler threw a better word at you for the washroom. Flush away the feeling of shame; you just used the word “butler” for him.

Hi! Please take your seat. Take a dump, take a leak.

Back in the good ol’ ‘90s, there was a mild coolness in the usage of the words “I want to go to the loo” and “I have to go pee.” You couldn’t pronounce them while asking your teacher for permission to empty your bladder, but it was enough to convince yourself that you were so hip, even if you otherwise called the classroom session “Mrs. Sharma’s period”.

College not only taught you words like “lecture” but also made you jump over to a parallel life of a sitcom character in New York City every once in a while when you said “I’ll go take a leak”. You had to use it since you heard this cool person use it among a group of peers. Other revelations came when you observed that it wasn’t just a breakup when you could use the word “dump”. You could also feel like one when you actually got dumped.

The Throne of King John

Here are some royal words for the lavatory. Use them in everyday conversation at the risk of the listener picturing you giving a lap dance to some “John” guy on his shaadi ki dulhe wali seat, since that’s the closest we all get to picture a “throne” and a lap dance. Extra caution to be taken by women while using these words as the khaps, the Delhi Police and the Chief Minister may find reason in their usage leading to crime against women in Delhi.


No matter how much I try pulling off the use of “WC” in everyday written conversation, it’ll never play the charm as well as I think it would. Firstly, it will be extremely disrespectful to Warner Bros. as there are bound to be rumors about the younger Warner brother splitting from the elder, Ambani Style, only to open a new production house with the initials WC. Secondly, my only exposure to the “WC” is on the Roadrunner Show or some Hannah Barbera cartoon where they would show the WC as some little wooden box in the middle of nowhere, with a crescent moon engraved on the door. So there is always some mystery about its usage unless you google it and confirm. Thirdly, you might just have to nod and smile if your boss understands what it means and says the full form, which according to him is “White Commode”. Finally, “Water Closet” doesn’t make any sense in India. “Water Close it” does, though. Thank you, leaky flush tanks.

Shauchalay: Tatti 5 Rupaye, Peshab 2 Rupaye

We can see how we’ve moved up the ladder of the ever-changing toilet jargon. There’s still a long way to go for us to be able to pull off “the throne”, “the john” and the “WC” with √©lan. But I think it’s unfair to not include the good ol’ “Sulabh Shauchalay” in the list, as one does not do justice to toilet humor in India without mentioning the aroma of freshly baked “tatti-peshab”.

What you call your toilet does not only show the extent of your vocabulary but also reflects your way of life. I made two trips to the shauchalay in the forty three minutes that it took me to type this post, potty time excluded. I’m sure you know about method acting. Ever heard of method writing?

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  1. I absolutely adore your skills of making the reader laugh , even if you are talking shit! :)

  2. If it makes you feel any better...Tatti in Kolkata costs a mere 2 Bucks...Which means you get to spend an awesome amount of more time at your favorite Toilet :) ... Simple Math : 2 X 2.5 Times = 5....:D

    1. People in the capital are in too much of a rush anyway. Kolkata is for artists who take their own sweet time, letting ideas marinate in inspiration :D

  3. Hahaha.. This is some awesome shit :P

  4. Giving you Jalebis for this one would be uncomfortably ironic :p But I want to give you 5 anyway, for your unbelievable humor, and to give you reasons to frequent your favorite place in the house :P

    This one surprised me with some really intelligent jokes, and made me wonder if they all originated while you were... .. ?? that's an altogether new way to look at creative prompts you see. I'm highly intrigued :P

    Keep writing ;)

    1. I'm surprised you liked this. Y'know, how toilet humor is the easiest way to get laughs. Cheap comic technique.
      I get the best thoughts while answering nature's call. Dammit! I should've used "nature's call" somewhere too!

  5. HAHAHA! This post is equal parts disgusting and humorous :P
    Had fun reading it. ;)

    1. You are such a disgusting girl :P
      Glad you liked it :)

  6. True incident-
    Me: "Excuse me. Hi! Which side is the canteen?"
    "Super cool" person standing in front of me: "Oh! You mean the cafeteria?"
    Me: No, the canteen.

    Extremely innovative post! Five jalebis, all the way!

    1. Thank you, Nidhi. I know I must write something really awesome for you to like it ;)

  7. ha ha... Shit it was amazing... :)

  8. Awesome description of awful your so fertile mind which I guess got more fertile after pushing out the manure on one of your thrones... One variant I heard in a movie .. Which I guess slipped from your mind is "sandaas" . Hope I spelt it correctly ... Eeew.. ( thanks to your post .. My mind too ran down to every stupid connotation I ve ever heard for it :)

    1. Oh yes. Sandaas! And, "latrine", which has to be the most disgusting English word ever!

    2. truly a dadi's disgusting!!!

  9. I am already your fan in 20 minutes.... goddamn!! so hilarious... it feels like you wrote about my life... i am a mumbaikar not a from delhi but exact same thing happens to every guy over here

    1. Thank you, my dear Tanz.
      May you always date girls who are perfect tanz (10's).

  10. PIKU movie was inspired by this post I guess.. and look how you mentioned DP in your first para..
    ** FATE**

    And yeah ofcourse ***SHIT***

    - Asha

    1. Haha. Understand the reference, but yet to watch Piku. Will do soon. And, thank you :)


If you had 5 Jalebis, how many would you give me for writing this post?

None = You don't deserve any >:O
@ = Soggy and stale! :(
@@ = Stale! :|
@@@ = I'll need a samosa to digest this with! :P
@@@@ = Sweet and Crisp! :)
@@@@@ = I'm opening you a Halwai Shop! :D