Jhaag Jhaag DK Bose

If you thought only women are choosy about which soap to use on their supple skin, you’re probably still waiting to catch your train from Lahore to Amritsar in 1947 A.D. You should know that it’s not just a metro-sexual man who takes his time to decide between a Park Avenue or a Brut bar of lather maker but also every other hetero-sexual, homo-sexual, bi-sexual or asexual in the nation. When we say that we care about what lathers our body, we’re not mistaking “what” for “who” and watching Emraan Hashmi being washed dirty clean by skin-babies right out of a season of Bigg Boss. Our definition of a “daily soap” may be different from that of the ladies, but it is taken more seriously and literally than just passing it off as an over-dramatic TV show of a joint family snorting sindoor out of bindis, bahus and blouses.

Even at the age of two when we would put everything that we could lay our hands on into our mouths, we knew that Johnson’s Baby Soap did not taste anything like “mamta ka ehsaas”. Connoisseurs of lather bubbles, we are here to present the ladies some unsolicited gyaan on soaps.

Lux

The Madhuri Dixit of soaps, this pink little voluptuous bar of fake rose petals has been in every household of this country for as long as Anil Kapoor has known hair. Lux is what defines “soap smell” for our countrymen. Our fathers and grandfathers have used it unabashedly for decades. We’ve never thought of it as a ladies’ soap. Some of us men just stopped admitting to its use since the time Shahrukh Khan appeared in the advert. It was a good decision on our part, I must say. Endorsing Shahrukh’s choices in movies has been extremely embarrassing in the last five years, yeh toh saala skin pe lagaane wala saabun hai.

Dove

This soap is owned by our mothers and sisters, but we’re so convinced by the pretty looking women in the advertisement that we can’t help but try it. You cannot use Dove and not say how it is “actually” so creamy! Feel it butter your body and then leave it back in the bathroom with seven strands of chest hair embedded in this condensed milk of a bar. Be prepared to get strict instructions from your sister not to ever use her soap again. Wonder how she got to know that and then just say how it’s not stereotyping when a man says that women are so suspecting all the time.

Lifebuoy

Never admit to using this brick of soap because it looks disgusting, smells like medicated pomegranate fart and can be found at all the tubewells in the country, not just bathing men dressed in striped kachhas but also their faithful buffalos. Someone in your family will anyway get it and you’ll be damned to froth your body in pink for eternity because it just doesn’t seem to get over. This soap just doesn’t die! It gets reduced to an almost pink colored scrape of wood which will develop cracks, fail at lathering, and then sit right on top of the drain on your wash basin. You won’t feel like picking it up. Spit toothpaste right on top of it and laugh a Mojo Jojo laugh.

Dettol

Be “hundred percent sure” of smelling like a doctor’s fingers after you take a bath with this one. You brought it to your house for using it after the potty business, but the company got smart and introduced a liquid handwash soon enough. You can’t help it. Your dad will like it because it’s antiseptic and all that jazz while your mum picks it up during grocery shopping because they give three bars for the price of two. You can’t make your parents understand that it’s not a promotional offer if it is on all year long. Be sure of it lasting a month. Find solace in believing that the doctor whose hands totally felt you up was a woman. Or, could be a nurse. Dammit!

Pears

The true antonym of the UPA Government in India, Pears is all about transparency. The smell of this soap is so ineffable that you begin to wonder how many citrus fruits got together in a divine orgy to produce this piece of marvel. The lather from this soap is transparent too, making it extremely difficult to use in a bathtub scene for a movie. It looks huge and worth the price when you buy it, but don’t be surprised when it gets all used up in three days. After all, we let it melt in the water for as long as we stand in the shower, rolling it between our hands, trying to look at the mirror through it, dropping it twenty six times, picking it up from right next to the neck of the commode and then complaining about how it’s so slippery yet so adorable.

Cinthol

The male equivalent of Liril, Cinthol brought a whole new meaning to “taazgi” in the bathroom. My personal favorite soap in the ‘90s, it ensured that Odonil would not make sales to middle-class Indian homes as Cinthol clearly managed to do its job of a bathroom freshner just as well. It died a somewhat silent death for most bathrooms a few years back. I heard Hrithik Roshan tried to glamorize the product recently, but people decided not to trust someone with a cameltoe for a chin and three thumbs to scratch it. I would still swear by the awesomeness of this lathery green bar. If life gives you lemons, make Cinthol.

Medimix

You can be sure of this soap being south-Indian because it says “100% vegetarian” on the cover. I mean, yes, the southies make it to the IITs and all but there are many other ways of determining a person’s intelligence. It’s not always the habit of reading The Hindu, solving crossword puzzles and listening to Carnatic music that defines intelligence and great taste. Great taste can also be proved by showing that you know that your soap is not tasty. However, there are a few benefits of rubbing this brick of green vegetables on your body. First, be sure of developing macho biceps when you lift it high enough to wash your shoulders. Second, give it to your kids if they don’t eat green vegetables. The nutrients may photosynthesize through their skin, if that makes any sense. Finally, it helps if you’re a follower of Baba Ramdev. Be celibate for life.

Water

Bazinga! You really thought true men give two hoots about a choice of soap! Be thankful we take a bath, which is, um, whenever we do. :P

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