Friday, August 23, 2013

A Dummy's Guide to WhatsApp


Ever since Salman Khan declared, “tere se chatting karne ki khaatir internet lagwaunga main”, nabbey-parteeshat-bhaarteeya decided to buy themselves smartphones with internet connections and installed WhatsApp to follow in his footsteps. A handful of these users have started mistaking the application for a social networking platform and it is about time that someone gives them a step-by-step guide on socially acceptable methods of WhatsApp use.

You can tell a lot about a person from his WhatsApp status message. A person with the status “at work”, “in a meeting” or “urgent calls only” will mostly be unemployed. No one with an actual job has the time to put these words up for everyone to see. Actual office goers do better things in life like scrolling through their WhatsApp contact list to zoom in on profile pictures of random people and checking the “last seen at” time of people who haven’t yet replied to their messages. The pseudo-work guy will be close friends with a person who puts up his status as “at the gym” and also has a picture of himself flexing his left bicep into a full wall mirror, clicking a self shot from his phone using his right hand. This person has a brain equivalent of a pre-Jadoo Hrithik Roshan from Koii Mil Gaya, which is also reflected in his creepy smile and the way he spells “Koii” with two i’s.

You can observe a minute’s silence for people who put up their status as “battery about to die”. They clearly need a counseling session on prioritizing life decisions because setting one’s status to inform the world that your phone is about to die over just keeping it aside and saving on some battery life is the decisional equivalent of coming out with a movie like Chennai Express after RaOne. I also give my heartfelt condolences to those who care to set their status as “sleeping”. This is only to make them believe that the reason why no one texted them while they were asleep was because people cared to read the status message.

Beware the person whose status message says “available”. More often than not, it’ll be a dude who thinks it refers to “relationship status” and also finds it funny to write “everyday” in front of the sex column in any form. Don’t fret over his existence. There’s a high chance that he’ll apply for the next season of Roadies and get his butt cheeks smacked on national television.

You will never see anyone with the status “at the movies” because the movies are not Indira Gandhi International Airport Terminal 3, where no one will ever forget to update his status across all online social networking platforms. And, you will almost always see some people with the status “Hey there! I am using WhatsApp.” Trust me when I say that even if he’s Punjabi, he’s not showing off; he’s just busy doing more important shit in life than updating a status message that no one gives a shit about.

The feature that defines your existence better than a status message is your WhatsApp profile picture. The reason why this is such an important part of your WhatsApp experience is because facebook birthday photo dedications for friends are passé; the world has moved on to WhatsApp. You are expected to change your WhatsApp picture to one with your sister on Raksha Bandhan, with your mum on Mother’s Day and to a “Keep Calm and Drink Beer” on other days. No, don’t care for if your boss has your number on his phone and he might see it. He didn’t even put up a picture with his wife on his marriage anniversary. What does he know about WhatsApp etiquette!

WhatsApp also offers you eight hundred and fifty emoticons to express yourself. It includes more than twelve types of hearts because obviously, how else will you tell a girl that “tune mere dil mein itne rang khila diye”. With eighteen different hand gestures yet not even one to give someone the finger, the sole purpose of these emoji is to make you forward one joke that creatively uses the hand gestures to depict the whole human birth cycle. The remaining eight hundred something emoticons each represent the number of times your smartphone will hang in a day because of low internal memory.

I could go on and on about this marvelous phone application, which has such useful functions like “group chat”, “broadcasts”, “voice notes” and sending someone your “location” on a map. I mean how else would you be able to discuss everything but anything remotely connected to the topic for which you create a group chat? How else would you tell someone that you’re “out of station” without sending them your location on a map? How else would you be able to send “I love you” messages in your own voice to your better half and then complain about your voice sounding ridiculous on being recorded? Oh my God, this app is so useful, I wish Rahul Gandhi would download it to his phone and let it do so much on his behalf!

And just in case you didn’t already know, this blog post has been written by Jimmy Watson, CEO of WhatsApp, who says that you have to forward this to a minimum of ten people on your WhatsApp list after which you will be registered as a frequent user and the green symbol will turn to red. If you fail to do so, it will be assumed that you are not a frequent user and your services will be terminated. This is not a hoax!

59 comments:

  1. Sarthak, you have done it again! Hilarious and eye opening! "Whatsapp etiquette" and the last part! Too good!

    @@@@@ all the waaayyyyy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You don't compliment my writing much, but when you do, it feels good.

      I realized the above sentence can be translated into Hindi and used in a Bollywood movie. That cheesy.

      Delete
    2. If this was a Bollywood movie, we'd already be in love and apparently singing a "romantic" song in the lush mountains of some exotic location.

      Delete
  2. Badly needed realty chck!!!!
    Gud 1...
    @@@...




    P.s. how exactly did u count 850 emoctions?..is ur status "in a meeting" too??.....lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Multiplied the number of rows with the number of columns in the five separate sections of the emoticons. See, I do my homework.

      Delete
  3. You are really cute sarthak. Here are all the jalebis, @@@@@. lo, take some ladoos too. 000000

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I hope they're moti choor ke laddoo :D

      Delete
  4. How come you are that talented?I mean looking at every detail about a certain issue and then writing about it in a humorous manner..wow..Applause!

    Personally I feel that whatsapp is such a shitty application.First your friends add you to groups which you don't want to be part of.Moreover,damn!These "last seen at",they are the reason why my friends stay angry at me for not replying them and being busy talking with someone else.And yes for some guys this might result in volcano eruption(when their girls keep a check as to what time they were online on whatsapp after they slept):P

    Again loved reading your post.Too good.Life was much easier and hassle free with SMSs' around. @@@@ jalebis for you!:D :)

    PS-There eight hundred and fifty emoticons whataspp offers?Really? :O

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Prerana. I don't hate the application. Thankfully, I don't really have a lot of annoying people on my contact list. Works good for me. But yes, makes for a nice blog post topic :D

      P.S. I counted, sire!

      Delete
  5. You have done it again.....hats off to u.....brilliant write up....i am straight away opening a halwai shop for u.....;-)
    U realy hate watsapp rite?;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Manisha :)

      No no, I spread love to the world around and the app falls in the range of my pink, glittery lou vibes. Makes for a good blog post topic, so it ain't that bad after all :D

      Delete
  6. HAHA
    Really loved this one!
    I immediately checked your whatsapp status after this. Smart job ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See! Smart hun bete main :D
      Setting my status to "sarthakahuja.com" saved me from so many wisecracks :D

      Delete
  7. Loved the last part! Adds that punch and a bit of sarcasm to the whole piece... Keep writing and entertaining us :) @@@@@@@

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Bob didi :D

      Y'know, I was laughing like an idiot typing the last paragraph. Matlab, hadd hai, khud ke joke pe kaun hasta hai :D

      Delete
  8. Natwardhan Singh :DAugust 24, 2013 at 7:05 PM

    BEST. :D

    ReplyDelete
  9. Smart and funny. The post, not you :P
    I'm new to WhatsApp. I was always skeptical about it without using it and then I started and got messages "yay you're on WhatsApp too" mostly from people who haven't pinged again :P And having had the option to shut off the last seen thing totally, it's more like an additional.. umm.. way of communication sometimes. I like the way I can send photos easily.

    Enjoyed reading this! :D Keep writing!
    PS- I never gave you any jalebis, did I? @@@@ for you! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't believe I'm so sleepy I didn't even complete the sentence. -_-
      "Having had the option to shut the last seen thing totally, it's not much of a bother" ;)

      Delete
    2. Haww! I'm smart and funny too, ok? :P
      And, you got a new phone! Yay! I don't think you'll come back here to check my reply on your comment, so I'll ask you about it on facebook only.

      Delete
  10. @@@@@ jalebis for you Sarthak! Your blog posts are such mood-lifters, I tell you! :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, you Potter fan. I just read a bit through your blog. It's so hard to believe that you're just sixteen!

      Delete
    2. Really? Thank you so much!
      While commenting I hadn't imagined that you would take the time to actually read my blog! Again, thanks a ton:)

      Delete
  11. Replies
    1. It's "sarthakahuja.com". Works like a charm, and no one dares to write about it on a blog :D

      Delete
  12. Truly hilarious,as usual @@@@@|:-)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I know this is a punjabi man's blog.But can you please translate alongside the punjabi/hindi quotes you insert?
    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never had people who didn't understand Hindi read my blog before. But now that I guess you'll be following it, I'll definitely keep it in mind. Thank you :)

      Also, here's a little translation just for you.

      “tere se chatting karne ki khaatir internet lagwaunga main”: "I will get an internet connection just to be able to chat with you."

      "nabbey parteeshat bharteeya": 90% Indians (in the Salman Khan accent)

      :D

      Delete
  14. Sifting raadi this morning i came upon your promoted blog in HT.My afternoon was spent lol-ing.
    You write well for a punjabi-almost like a bong.
    Which college did you study in and what are you doing presently ( yes,this is typical punjabi assessment you're being put through puttar)
    Also,how much time do you actually take to write a post?
    Do you like reading books a lot? Can i know about your reading tastes as well.


    Thanks

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, so HT is helping me get readers even after almost a month and a half. Feels good :D

      Thank you, Anon. I'm glad you liked it.

      I completed my graduation in Finance from Shaheed Sukhdev College of Business Studies, University of Delhi in 2011. I then went on to complete CS and CMA in 2012 and 2013, respectively. I'm currently preparing for my CA finals and trust me this is the toughest set of exams I've ever seen. It's so hard, I don't even feel like saying "that's what she said" after "hard"!

      Since I don't really think beforehand about all the things that I'd be talking about in my posts, the time taken varies from anything around forty five minutes to an hour and a half. If things keep striking me in the head at lightning speed, I'm mostly done in forty minutes, but if I'm really distracted, at times I go on for two hours!

      I love reading. I used to read books and novels in school, but after 2008, I've been so occupied with these academic pursuits that I don't get the time to pick up a big fat novel. I've mostly been picking up books like Freakonomics, The Tipping Point, Blink, etc. because they don't really command heavy time commitment. But I plan to read all of Paulo Coelho's and Khaled Hosseini's after my exams.

      I do a lot of online reading on my feed reader though. I have around a hundred and fifty subscriptions on my feedly account, which include a huge variety from Harvard Business Review and Forbes to Thought Catalog, Firstpost, Buzzfeed among many personal blogs.

      Delete
    2. Hmm..so you wear so many hats.
      Great!.
      When done,write a book post.
      Also,you don't write like a scorpio though you're observant like one.
      Plenty o good luck for your upcoming exams.
      And yes,@@@@@+@
      :D

      Delete
    3. Thank you :)

      P.S. How do you know that I'm a scorpio? O_o

      Delete
    4. I know quiet a lot about you, now! ;)

      Delete
    5. Funny how much one can gauge while sifting raddi and landing on Page 12 of a random newspaper. *Applause*

      #kthnxbye

      Delete
    6. Hey,don't blame me for being well read.http://www.sarthakahuja.com/2012/03/burday-burps.html?utm_source=blog&utm_medium=gadget&utm_campaign=bp_random

      Delete
  15. amazing work sarthak, that was tottally a mood buster for me... my husband nd i had a serious fight, just after the fight he switched on the tv and i started reading ur wats app blog, jo uske baad i started laughing at each line,nd shared the post with my hubby, TDAaaa... and fir ladai k baare mein bhool hi gaye...oh god! there r so many such kind of ppl in my wats app contact list.. like one person changes his watsapp status to "aaj phir ek baar dekho aaya shaniwar, party karne ke liye sab hogae taiyaar" on every saturday he never forgets to update his status... :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm such a peacemaker then :D

      And, hahahahaha. This reminds me of a little poem that one of my friends from kindergarten used to recite often. It might work wonderfully for your friend's Tuesdays.

      Aaj mangalvaar hai,
      Choohe ko bukhaar hai.
      Chooha gaya doctor ke paas,
      Doctor ne lagayi suyi.
      Chooha bola, "Uyi, uyi, uyi."

      I felt like such a retard typing that!

      Delete
  16. @@@@@@@@ yeh lo jalebis bohot saari :D

    ReplyDelete
  17. Sarthak Ahuja,
    Are you single?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My mum is the only person who keeps asking me the question.
      Wait... Mummy!?

      Delete
    2. ...and i thought it was The Ultimate Compliment,even better than five jalebis you usually ask for :(
      Aur teri mummy hogi teri maa.
      Mood kharab kar dita :(

      Delete
    3. Thank you :)

      P.S. My interest in food is more than my interest in man/womankind. That's reason why I don't ask for five gilli puchis in place of the jalebis.

      Delete
  18. Let's say humour is your forte.But you can also manage something sentimental?
    C'mon,you are a metrosexual man,aren't you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Humor is humorous because it relates to your sentiments.

      Don't be mistaken by the header photo; it is almost two years old. I'm a man with a sedentary job, an increasing waistline and a receding hairline. Definitely not the definition of metrosexual.

      Delete
  19. Whatever is a Jalebi, you can @@@@@ because this text was amazing, very funny and very well written, just changed my status right now, haha :D

    Cheers from a very far place :))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha. Thanks, Richard :D

      Here's everything you'd want to know about the Jalebi: Jalebi's Wiki Page :D

      Delete
  20. This is pretty nice guide to the use of WhatsApp !

    ReplyDelete
  21. How dare you mistake Jimmy Watson for me? I'll sue the Jalebi out of you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Chill, little person. Send me a WhatsApp announcement with your name in bold letters and I promise I'll forward it to not just ten, but every single person on my WhatsApp list.

      Delete
  22. i need to forward a link of this blog to every single contact of mine. :P and hats off for counting the no. of emoticons....you could have googled though. xP
    @@@@@

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What is more amusing to tell - you counted or you Googled?

      The things I have to do to impress you :)

      Delete
  23. Replies
    1. Thanks, Mike. It's too long to be a WhatsApp Status though. Just saying.

      Delete

If you had 5 Jalebis, how many would you give me for writing this post?

None = You don't deserve any >:O
@ = Soggy and stale! :(
@@ = Stale! :|
@@@ = I'll need a samosa to digest this with! :P
@@@@ = Sweet and Crisp! :)
@@@@@ = I'm opening you a Halwai Shop! :D