A Dummy's Guide to Writing a Punjabi Song

The Punjabi music industry has grown so tremendously over the past one decade that the only legit way to acknowledge its magnificence is to introduce a Four Year Undergraduate Program called Chhadeyan Punjabi Gaane Vich (translation: Bachelors in Punjabi Music) at the prestigious University of Delhi. The idea may seem ridiculous to most of you, but trust the University to implement it if it receives an application. For all those who have already graduated and are happy to have studied at the University when the course structures actually made sense, here’s a chance to do a crash course on How to Write a Punjabi Song.

*dhol-roll*

Say your own name at least 5 times

The reason why you need to do this is because people get really drunk at parties and as a Punjabi singer you want to help them claim that they’re not drunk enough to not be able to tell who the singer is. There are some anti-Punjabists who might tell you that nothing screams indulgence in self-pleasure as much as having to say your own name aloud again and again. They will tell you that it’s creepy when you say the names of two dudes in the same breath. But haters gonna hate! The reason why Jay Sean and Juggy D are so popular is because they go a step ahead and also say the name of their music producer, Rishi Rich. These Hindi song-walas are just jealous because no one shouts “Anu Malik” or “Pritom” in a Bollywood song.

Tip: It’ll be better if you also change your name to something that has the letter-Z. For example: Jaz Dhami, Jazzy B and Taz.

Heeriye, Soniye, Kudiye, Mutiyaare, Patakhe, Laila, Gurrrl

Include at least two of the above mentioned words to refer to the ladies. It just doesn’t stop there. Punjabi lyricism gives you enough freedom to get as creative as possible and objectify women by calling them whatever you want. Once you get some practice, adjectives like “nasal di gori aah… ganne di porri aaah” and “mitraan di hoe” will come naturally to you. You can also try using “marjaani” and “khasma nu khaani”, which are both extremely popular. And if you’re one who likes showering your girlfriend with beautiful compliments, try taking inspiration from “kudi bann gayi beauty queen la la body butter caream.”

Tip: Who the bloody nonsense teach you girl-girl? It is gurrrrl.

Vodka, Daaru, Dope, Beer, Botal, Neat

Punjabi music is for times to celebrate, be it a wedding when you go “rum rum rum rum rum, oh whisky” or a tough heartbreak when you start humming atrocious lyrics like “upar upar upar, in the air.” Your song should show self-pride through words like “main sharaabi main sharaabi” even if they form more than eighty percent of the lyrics. At the same time, you should also promote responsible drinking through the words “naale thode tikke shikke tussi kha leya karo” and “khaali tidh liver na saadeya karo”.

Tip: Rhyme your alcohol and narcotics’ names with made up words starting with “sha”. For example, “daaru-shaaru” and “dope-shope”.

Chandigarh, UK

It doesn’t matter if you’re from Lajpat Nagar or Hissar; to be a successful Punjabi song writer, you have to know the names of all the important places in Chandigarh and UK, which are… um, Chandigarh and UK. You’ll then be able to bring the authentic Punjab spirit to your song. Some of the greatest songs of our time have lines like “tu Chandigarh tohn aayi ni” and “jidaan Chandigarh lagda na tere bina dil.” The safest place to use “UK” is to say it right after you say your name. I promise no one will doubt it!

Tip: Patiala is not a place; it is a peg.

Insert names of at least two luxury brands

Connoisseurs of style, Punjabis no longer define “bling” as the strip of jewels on Daler Mehndi’s turban. Also, today’s Punjabi boys know the difference between brand and brandy. You should try getting used to the fact that “Tommy” is not the name of a dog; “Bobbi Brown” does not mean that your “Bobby bhaiya/chacha/bua” is being made fun of by racist whites; and “Pa-rada” is not a brand of “paranda”. Try getting into the mode by listening to “kaali teri Gucci te Prada tera laal”, “Bobbi Brown da make up laake munde pattdi jaandi hai”, “kudi da chitta iPhone, laake LA wali tone” and "...shoe teri da, dress teri da, ghadi je paayi Guess teri da."

Tip: Ed Hardy and Being Human are not luxury brands. Basically, anything that Salman wears is easily available on the roads, so better avoid ‘em all.

Gaddi, Jeep, Lamborghini, Bullt

It was no miracle that the only Punjabi song to break all records for being used in a Bollywood movie was “Main nikla gaddi le ke”. However, the most beautiful use of a car is credited to Imran Khan who made waves with lines like “ni gaddi saadi bae ja ni jattiye… woofer tu meri meri, main tera amplifyaa fyaa”. A car is the only object about which you can be realistic in your lyrics and still be sure of sounding like a badass Gabru, as seen in “pijj gayi kurti paseene di… chaali degree sidhi dhup paendi… on karaan AC.”

If you can’t find the proper place to talk about your car in the song, don’t fret. But you must not forget to show the swankiest of Ferraris and Jaguars in your music video. Also, the only motorcycle that qualifies to be spoken about is Bullt.

Tip: Get your car registered in Uttarakhand. That way, you’ll get a number plate that says UK.

The Weaponry, the Party and the Gabru

It’s always a good idea to talk about all the pind gang wars that you’ve been a part of. “Hockey, gandaasi, goliyan, bandook and talwar” add the much needed punch to your lyrics. Also, the translation for yo’ nigga in Punjabi is “oye, gabru”.

Tip: If all else fails, pick up and translate any 50 Cent song for best results.

Exhibit A: In Da Club

Oye, oye, oye, oye, oye, oye kudiye,

Ni ajj tera burday.

Assi karaange party ni ajj tera burday,

Piyaange ve Bacardi, ni ajj tera burday,

Fikraan ni assi karde, je na ho tera burday!

Tu mil le mennu pub, main nachaan in the club,

Tu soni enni kudiye, ni vekhen tennu sab.

Main kardaan shaitaaniyan, ruka haan main vi kab?

Aa chal mere naal, kehde tu hi mera rabb.

Je Yo Yo tera gaddiyan ni apniyan laave,

Jaa Gur-gaon geet je apne sunaave,

Saare loki hath utte nachde jaave,

Te pher tu mere kol na ajj kyun aave?

Dad mennu kende si: nalayake tu padh,

Main keya main gabru jawaan o’ Chandigarh.

Je lage meri hockey di kissi nu vi ragadh,

Otthe hi banda kutt jaana, ho jaani body sadh.

Oh kudiye ni aaja ni tu mere naal pub,

Dolce Gabanna di tu dress jaa ke fadh,

Karaange assi party, na kisi da vi darr.

Je Yo Yo tere naal, te na koi vi fikar.