Thursday, September 19, 2013

Shakti Shakti Shaktimaan

Men are like wine they say; they keep getting better with age. But if you've been brought up on a diet of pizza, burger and every other type of double-roti made out of maida, there's only a limit to which your body allows you to be a superhero. This explains why the face of Superman, Spiderman, Batman and every other idiot who has to suffix the word “man” to his name to establish his superiority keeps changing face every few years. Before you think that the reason I made a subtle dig at the concept of male superiority is to hit off well with the lady readers of the blog, let me tell you that the attention will get diverted from my feminist points of view as soon as I pronounce the name of Shaktimaan.

There are a number of reasons to why Shaktimaan is by far the best superhero not just in the world, but the whole frikkin' universe, Krypton included. To start with, he got his superpowers not because of some stupid radioactive insect bite, but because he did yoga for centuries and could play with the seven chakras in his body. Now, this could mean that Sherlyn Chopra can get superpowers too if she continues selling her aerobics/yoga videos, and plays with the chakras on her body like she normally does. But as long as she's keeping herself away from covering her body from neck to toe in maroon fabric, we can be sure of not having her rise as competition to our beloved Indian superhero. Also, it's not just the yoga that helped Shakti boy maintain his position for so long, but also a daily dose of Chyawanprash, Zandu Pancharishth and Parle G, which our heroes from the west haven't even heard of.

One doesn't need to look at Shaktimaan jump off under-construction buildings owned by Robert Vadra to know about his superhuman abilities. Our lowly daily wagers do that every day and miraculously do not appear in the papers either. The mark of a true superhero lies in wearing just a maroon panty-hose without any shoes, and risking his little toe to hit bed-sides all day long. It also saves on money which would have otherwise been spent on seven trouser top underwears for each day of the week. Money saved superhero style in a plummeting economy. Shaktimaan > Raghuram Rajan. Shobhaa De can finally move on.

A modern, metrosexual man, Shaktimaan does not wear Spandex on his skin like his international competitors. He exudes class by donning the soft touch of velvet, custom fitted with gold embellishments made out of material used to manufacture the heavy duty KKR helmets. Extremely hygiene conscious, he also wears gloves to avoid the ordeal of shampooing his luscious knuckle hair more than twice a week.

While the west fears to pronounce the name of the dark lord Voldemort, Shaktimaan battles the likes of Tamraj Kilvish, who is not just evil like Volde-Baldy, but also breathes out evil powers through his pointy nose, a feat that the bad guy from the west cannot even perform. There's Dr. Jackal too; the guy with so much power that it literally overflows from his mouth every five seconds. Batman's Joker had to say three words to freak people out. Jackal just mispronounces Sharad Pawar's last name and people from Punjab lose their shit thinking that he has been causing all their power woes, consequently bringing Parkash Singh Badal for a second term. How frikkin’ politically scheming badass is that!

Superman was incapable of taking up the responsibility of protecting India. Only the Americans are dumb enough to not recognize the similarity in Clark Kent's and Superman's face. All Indians, barring Anushka Sharma (who cannot even tell her husband when he shaves off his mustache) are intelligent, and cannot be fooled by such a ridiculous attempt at disguise by putting on a pair of glasses and tidying the tuft of hair that puts Himesh Reshammiya's hairstylist to shame. India needed a hero who could disguise like a master illusionist. Shaktimaan took up the challenge and wore buck teeth to win the approval of the Board of Superheroes. What a brilliant idea to distract the Indian population, I must say! The little addition to his teeth makes all men above the age of thirty call him Tinu Anand; those below thirty, Darsheel Safary's future; and the women just get really happy and say things like “Awww, bunny wabbit”. And just in case his false teeth ever fall out, he can also say his name, “Pandit Gangadhar Vidyadhar Mayadhar Omkar Shastri” in James Bond's signature style of going last name to first name, rinse and repeat, for twenty minutes to distract the audience.

Even though Shaktimaan is a lover boy extraordinaire, he has never crossed his limits with his love interest Geeta Biswas on screen. In fact, he is a man with high moral character which also shows in the “Chhoti Chhoti Magar Moti Baatein”. Teaching Indian kids to apologize for their mistakes by saying “Sorry, Shaktimaan”, he has changed pretty much the entire population of the country for better, barring a few people like Mika Singh. I literally became a Shaktimaan fanboy when in an episode, I watched a thirteen year old boy trying to clean his ceiling fan with a jhaadu. The dirt from the fan fell into his eyes and he started rubbing them. Immediately Shaktimaan came to his rescue with a “Thehro” and lectured him about the bad habit that is “aankhon ka masalna”. Can you even imagine Spiderman being so worried about the children in his neighborhood? He himself needs a slap on the face for leaving all the jaala around. It'll take just one rap to elicit a “Sorry, Shaktimaan” and set him straight.

While you read this, Shaktimaan is slowclapping at “Spiderman Spiderman, tune churaya mere dil ka chain”, giving a week's supply of Vicks ki goli to Batman, delivering a lecture on the drawbacks of a skewed sex ratio to the Fantastic Four, advising the Silver Surfer to invest in gold during times of recession, rubbing Iron's Man's face on his neck to cure a bee sting because someone said, “loha mal le, theek ho jaayega”, and dancing to Chalo Ishq Ladaayen Sanam with Geeta Biswas, all at the same frikkin’ moment! Please rise and put your hands together for the grand daddy of all superheroes, the aaloo de paraunthe loving Punjabi pattha, the elder brother of Gurdas and Harbhajan Mann, our beloved Shakti Mann.


Image Source: webmallindia.com

*****
You should also check out this really cool piece by Khamba: Why Mukesh Khanna is the Greatest Human Alive 

18 comments:

  1. @@@@@
    " Jackal just mispronounces Sharad Pawar's last name"
    and
    “Pandit Gangadhar Vidyadhar Mayadhar Omkar Shastri”

    these lines made me laugh so hard that i forgot i had a pain in my head because a friggin person dropped coconut on my head during ganpati visarjan!!!
    I give more than five jalebis for this... it really made my day especially when you mentioned that spandex thing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha. You can write a post on the coconut dropping on your head. I bet people will find it frikkin' hilarious :D

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  2. Hahahahahahaha i ended up checkumv out his globes to make sure. Oh god. Good ol'dsys!
    Krrish can never beat our shaktiman
    before i forget @@@@@

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    Replies
    1. See, you got so excited, you misspelt so many words. Meri pyaari Diksha! Thanks :D

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  3. Iron man being the bee sting cure. "loha mal le, theek ho jaayega". that took the cake ... and jalebis :D :D
    @@@@@

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    1. While writing that, I was actually wondering how many people would even know of it! Been stung by a bee twice, I've seen the craziest things being rub on the stings :D

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  4. Shaktimaan......frm wher d u get sch unique ideas yr?;-)
    Realy he z d true super hero.....since nw u have pointed out so many errors wid other boys.....oh sory man....;-)
    one thing which amazes me is how beautifuly n satirically u have woven woes of our generation wid our gud old hero....* applause *

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Manisha. I can be honest about where I got this idea from. I read Khamba's post on Mukesh Khanna, the link to which is given at the bottom of my piece. Give it a read :)

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  5. "Spiderman Spiderman, tune churaya mere dil ka chain". Brilliant.

    No one beats Shaktiman and his powers will earn you a successful halwai shop :D

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Sakshi :D
      And, saare engineers ka favorite song hota hai along with ischool ke tem pe :P

      Delete
  6. BAHAHAHAHA XD
    "Thehro"
    Goodness, my eyes are wet from laughing!
    Shaktimaan beats all the other 'MEN' - I never thought of it that way before, but now I totally believe it!
    Just take all the jalebis in the world for this one!

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    1. Thank you, T-BUB! :D

      But, did you really watch Shaktimaan as a kid? I think you must be really young for it back then.

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  7. I have lots of elder cousins who used to make me watch all the stuff that they grew up watching. Perks of living in a joint family, I guess. So, yes, I watched it as a kid, and loved it too! :)

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    1. I was in a joint family too. Made all my younger cousins watch cool stuff. Later, they introduced me to Shinchan B)

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  8. @@@@@ Salute sir. Salute.

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    1. Thank you, SIR! *stands to attention*

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  9. Hhahahahhahhahhaha. Loha mal le, theek ho jayega... I'm dead laughing. This was fucking hilarious.
    And I really like the way you use French vocabulaire. Ça me plaît !! ;)
    All the jalebis to you!,

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Sujata, my new friend. I can almost hear you laughing through your comment :')

      Delete

If you had 5 Jalebis, how many would you give me for writing this post?

None = You don't deserve any >:O
@ = Soggy and stale! :(
@@ = Stale! :|
@@@ = I'll need a samosa to digest this with! :P
@@@@ = Sweet and Crisp! :)
@@@@@ = I'm opening you a Halwai Shop! :D