Saturday, September 14, 2013

The Delhi Metro Bevkoof

Get frisked and feel like someone just wiped his dirty hands all over your fresh shirt. Flash your card at the entry gate… no response. Rub it on the receptor… Flip it around and rub it… Take it out of the wallet and rub it... No response... Try at the adjoining entry gate. Get notified that the card is out of balance.

Check wallet and see that there isn’t enough money for a recharge. Run to get a token instead. Buy token. Be asked to get yourself frisked again. Think to yourself, “Now, c’mon! I did not just get an AK 47 from the token counter. Wardi pehni hai toh chaudh mein aa gaya. Bloody unreasonable, time-wasting, khaki colored bevkoof!”

Try to peep into the computer screen of the man who x-ray scans your bag. See green, pink and blue outlines of your stuff lying inside. Feel happy for no reason.

Hear the sound of a train entering the station. "Train with destination towards Rajiv Chowk is going to enter platform number 1. Please stay behind the yellow line." Run up to your platform. Notice the train on the opposite side. Bloody uncoordinated, computer recorded Metro announcer, bevkoof!

Check time for the next train to come. Stand at the spot where you know the train will be slightly empty. Cross the yellow line. Hear the guard's shrill whistle. Look in his direction to see him gesturing you to move back. Bloody seeti bajane wala bevkoof!

Try to get in. Get pushed out by those de-boarding the train. Have your earphones stuck to the bag of someone rushing out. Freak out for a micro-second and then pull the earphones back in time. What a frikkin' bevkoof, man! Push against the person standing right at the centre of the door and squeeze yourself in. Have your backpack’s strap stuck between the two doors. Pull hard from inside. Breathe. Well, try to.

Hold your breath and pull in your stomach. Try to reach the pole in front of you before the next station arrives. Instead, have your nose rubbed against an armpit that barricades you to where you are. Bloody unbathed talcum powder using bevkoof!

Get pushed out at the next station... “Utarne ki jagah toh de diya karo! Saale, darwaze ke aage khade hain!” Climb back in again. Bloody insensitive Hindi cusser bevkoof!

Hear commotion behind you. “Haath jagah pe rakh le.”.. “Dimaag na kharab kar.”.. "Tere se bol raha hun kuchh?".. Wonder why some idiots have to fight; the train isn’t crowded only for the two of them! Bloody short tempered bevkoofs! Think about how Indians are always so interested in watching others fight. It makes for a good joke on stereotypes. Haha. Bloody over-inquisitive frikkin’ bevkoof, sab ke sab!

Feel a tap on your shoulder. “Bhaisaab, Rajiv Chowk utarenge?” Nod in agreement. Get pushed out by fifty people. “Pehle utarne toh de, phir ghusiyo.” Save self from tripping after stepping out at the platform. Take half a sigh of relief. Bloody uncouth frikkin’ stampeding bevkoofs!

Walk towards the platform for the yellow line. Get stopped and asked about which train to take for Uttam Nagar. Give directions. Rush to your platform. Late karwa di, bevkoof!

Notice the long queues at the platform. Squeeze through the end of each queue to the spot for the second last coach. Wait. Get pushed by those passing by. Bloody overpopulating, unaware of deodorants, bevkoofs!

Look at the guard. Look at the arriving train. Notice the queues converge into a cluster of sweating bodies as the doors open. Look at the guard getting pushed away by the crowd. Haha, badi chaudh mein khada tha! Bloody dedh-pasli, whistle-blowing bevkoof!

Look at forty year olds rush to grab seats. Wonder why the adults in our country act like children. Notice a person trying to squeeze in between two. “Bhaisaab, thodi jagah bana do.” Know that everyone hates an uninvited huge butt squeezing in and half sitting on the co-passengers’ thighs. Bloody overweight, samosa eating bevkoof!

Notice a lady standing in front of a seat not "reserved" for ladies. Observe how not even one man gets up. Tell yourself that you’d have definitely stood up. Pray for more people to get a convent education. Bloody uneducated bevkoofs!

Count the number of stations to your destination. Multiply the number by two. Feel proud of knowing the time it takes to travel between stations.

Walk towards the vestibule and lean against the side. Feel the synthetic rubber walls gyrate behind your back. Fight the urge to slowly slide down to the floor. Feel the floor shake beneath you. Wonder what would happen if the two coaches broke away at the line of contact.

Look at a guy wearing a checked shirt, skin tight jeans and canvas shoes that read Relaxo. Notice his highlighted hair, locket and a Samsung Galaxy bigger than your phone. Listen to him tell his friend, “Bhai, merse kehti number dede. Maine ka bhaad mein ja. Hyahya, saali.” Smirk at being able to tell through the lie. Bloody sadak-chhaap bevkoof!

Close your eyes and try to concentrate on the song playing through your earphones. Open your eyes thirty seconds later to see the checked shirt wearing a pair of glares and his friend clicking a picture. Roll eyes. Model banne chala hai bevkoof!

Notice a pretty girl wearing orange pants. Look at her white BlackBerry with a pink silicon cover. South Delhi; addicted to BBM; next purchase will be the iPhone. Think how she seems to be the only person in the train that you could make a conversation with. Notice a few men staring at her. Ladki dekhi nahi, taadne chale. Bloody desperate bevkoofs!

See someone reading a book. Tilt head diagonally downwards to see the cover. Revolution 20-20. Bloody pseudo-intellectual; pedestrian taste in literature, saala bevkoof!

Walk towards the door two minutes before the arrival of your destination. Mentally recite “Agla station Vishwavidyalaya... hai!” Smirk at the pause before “hai”. Tubelight kahin ka, bevkoof!

Peep from the corner of your eye into the phone of the fat girl standing in front of you. Notice her scrolling through her WhatsApp screen. Look at her type, “i luv u 2 baba” followed by a heart. Almost barf at the state of the world. Question self about why every ghee-smeared retarded bevkoof in the country has a relationship and a Samsung Galaxy.

Listen to an uncle talk on the phone. “Hain? Samajh nahi aa raha… Metro ki basement mein hun.” Notice that he has a black BlackBerry Curve. Run eyes over to his balding head, grey hair and plastic bag in hand. Hmm. Refrain from judging him. Feel proud of having respect for elders. Nahi toh aaj kal ki youth ko dekho, bloody uncivilized, disrespectful bevkoofs!

Look at a guy with his middle finger inserted into the hole above the doors. Chhed dikha nahi, ungli ghusa do bas. Such a bevkoof!

Wait for station to arrive in less than a minute. Cross both arms and wait while trying to balance self as the train makes a jolt. Get out and stand on the escalator. Walk towards the exit gate.

Flash card… no response… Flip it around… Rub harder. Realize you’d bought a token. Fish for token in your pockets. Irritate everyone behind you.

Bhai, pehle token nikaal liya karo.”… “Kaun hai saala bevkoof line rok ke khada hai!

Feel your cheeks flush. Insert token. Exit. Avoid all eye contact.

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  1. I could relate with almost every line written in this blog. Amazing you are :)

  2. A gud time "bevakuf" attempt....
    But a true account of d convent educated male delhite...strangely though no reference to d metro ki jannat????how come???
    Nd dt 'ungli' wil be men..
    But evry line tells a tale.....
    Take a special permission from delhi dm ur blog;m sure dy ll be willing to oblige...nd write a piece from d female perspectve too...wud love to read it!!!

    1. Um, I don't know what is "metro ki jannat". Please shed some light.
      I can only speak for myself, no? Side effects of being a boy. But, thank you :)

    2. Chal jooothaa.....dilli whch aise munde vi henge jinne metro di jannat da gyaan ni???......
      Oyiee puttar tune mummy nu bahu hi laake deni hai na??
      Ya na phulo phallo..kher chado ka progrrame haii???*wide eyes*

      Convent da zyada asar ho gya!!
      Ma da laadlaa bigadd gya!!!!*crazy grin*

    3. Um, this has to be Karishma Khattar. I really don't know anyone else who'd say such a thing >_<

    4. Well i wud say "lame excuses" for deviating from d topic....jalebi ki tarah seedha...typically punjabi....come to d point na!!!!
      Taking kisi ka bhi name doesn't really serve as d answer!!!!

      Nd dre's a reason y people post under d anon tag.....u cant really know ,every1....keep guessing btw *wicked smile*

  3. @@@@@
    Loved the end.
    Predictable yet Crispy.

    1. You mentioned the end! Not many people have noticed it. Or prolly they haven't mentioned it. Thank you :)

  4. @@@
    Helllllllooooo(in gaynam style)
    LGBT community is gonna be so upset on their absence.
    Rajiv chownk the Mecca of gays

  5. I was laughing out loud throughout the whole thing.....every little detail captured so vividly n an accurate thought accompanying it.....u r simply brilliant.
    Also the bloody bevakoof thing......worth applause. Its lyk evry moment on metro etched here......great piece.....straight away opening u a halwai shop.....;-);-)

    1. Thanks, Manisha. You always leave such nice comments :D

  6. Hahaha...
    The fact that this is true just shows how judgemental we all tend to be in a public place. Everyone except us is a bevkoof, except for the cute girl (or guy) and most of the senior citizens.
    Har metro commuter ki daily katha, amazingly put. Five very well deserved jalebis for you +1 for the "unaware of deodrants" vaala part =)

    1. Thank you, Chalice :D
      I'll call you by your old name only. Calling you Bent will be a little weird :D

    2. Haha... yeah, that would be weird XD

  7. HAHAHAHAH! This is by far the best metro post I've read! Jeeezzz! I've written on the metro too but this is so so awesome! :D Loved it. Have 10 jalebis, you! ;)

    Could relate to every single thing described! Favorite: "Wonder what would happen if the two coaches broke away at the line of contact." Eeep! I do this all the time, even planning a mental escape route, going all spider-womany in my imagination :P

    Aise bhi koi post likhta hai amazing se? Bevakoof :P

    1. Haha. Thank you, Banga sa'ab! Arrey, make me read your Metro post, please! Inbox me the link or just post it here for everyone else to read. I'll remind you to send me the link if you don't do it yourself :P

  8. @@@@ from my end! Could actually relate to all the lines like everyone quoted above and this really brought eeewww feeling :" “Bhaisaab, thodi jagah bana do.” Know that everyone hates an uninvited huge butt squeezing in and half sitting on the co-passengers’ thighs." :P

    Kudos!! to this on "Bevkoofs".........

    Catch my view on first coach of metro ;) at :

    1. Thank you, Shilpa. Now I'll rush to read your blog :D

  9. I'm not much of a reader, but I never ever miss reading your blogs! They indeed hold one intact! :D
    Perfectly described the world full of bevkoofs! You are kamaal Sirjee! :D
    @@@@@ from me!
    Keep making us laugh! :P

    1. Whatte cool thing. Thanks, Priyanka. Really happy :D

  10. HAHAHA Well written!!!
    U expressed urself in quite a hilarious way bt yes i have to admit that we encounter almost all these bevkoofs during our metro ride n rubbing ur nose against someone's armpit is the most disgusting part...

  11. "Try to peep into the computer screen of the man who x-ray scans your bag. See green, pink and blue outlines of your stuff lying inside. Feel happy for no reason"
    i do that!!
    plus "Bhaisaab, thodi jagah bana do"... one particularly "healthy" aunty said to someone "bas bas, main toh thodi si jagah mein bhi aa jaungi" :D
    every para had me saying "exactly!"
    khatarnaak well written ... @@@@@

    P.S. they always say 'vishvidyalaya' (at least they used to jb hum college mein they)

    1. A khatarnaak thank you for such flattery :D

      P.S. Ooh. I never noticed that. I'll remember to listen carefully next time.

  12. Hahaha..too good!You combine the real facts and sarcasm so amazingly!:)

    All 5 jalebis to you for this masaledaar post!:P

  13. HAHAHA!
    This is the funniest metro post everrrrrr.

    1. Thanks, man. If it made YOU laugh out loud, toh phir thoda funny toh hoga :D

  14. I like the way you spice up your posts with humour. Couldn't stop laughing throughout the post. :D

    Awesome, I must say. :D

    1. Thanks, man. I couldn't stop laughing through your posts either ;D

  15. I think this is your best ever. Cut the chase and soo apt. "Hatt saala bevakoof". Delhi Metro Tagline.

  16. Your blogs are inspiring me to write a book.... seriously bro.... itna resemblance hai iska life ke saath..... hasi toh aa hi jaati hai! @@@@@ i dunno why they gave you 3 jalebis but here i am opening a halwai shop specially for diabetic patients :P

  17. Have you thought about writing shorter blogs?
    I skipped to the end pretty soon.

    1. This is one of my longest. There are loads of short posts too. Seek and you shall find.


If you had 5 Jalebis, how many would you give me for writing this post?

None = You don't deserve any >:O
@ = Soggy and stale! :(
@@ = Stale! :|
@@@ = I'll need a samosa to digest this with! :P
@@@@ = Sweet and Crisp! :)
@@@@@ = I'm opening you a Halwai Shop! :D