Kurta Phaad Ke

So you decided to wear a kurta to college today! Very good decision, I must say. Who said only the street play guys could pull it off? They don't own the rights to the style, and neither do those who plan to pursue their post-grad from Jamia. Nor is the kurta the apparel just for Diwali card parties and mata ke jagran. You're looking great in it, and there's no denying it. I just hope you don't feel too much of a need to go to the toilet today.

So you'll walk straight up to me and start talking about how the politicians of the country are abusing the socio-economic diversity of the nation to build a vote bank for the upcoming elections! I know that you're wearing a kurta, and it probably suits your personality to prefix “socio-economic” before anything today, but it's making me uncomfortable. I'm a t-shirt wearing guy whose knowledge of politics is limited to as observed in the college fest organising committee. I feel uncomfortable standing here, having nothing to say. My opinion of the next Prime Minister is heavily influenced by the social media and I fear looking like a fool if I take any names in front of you. But in my silence, I'll nod with whatever you say and pray that you don't feel the urge to go to the toilet today.

So you'll wear your kurta and still drop words like 'dude' and 'bro' after every sentence! I hope you're not trying to live up to your Fabindia label with wooden buttons et al., looking down on the Hindi speaking nukkad-naatak team, which wears its plastic buttoned Khadi. I know guys studying English literature and Journalism wear kurtas too, but c'mon, Hindi sabhyata, man! You can drop the angreji attitude just for today and let it look more authentic, while I wish for a toilet free day for you today.

So you'll steal all the female attention away from me because of your kurta today! I can see how one pretty lady complimented you on the color that you're wearing, while another was amused by your decision to support the cottage industries of our country from today. I know my jokes will not match the charm that your kurta plays on the fairer sex today, and there's nothing that I can do about it. But anyway, let's drink to your kurta; a bottle of Coke each. Treat's on me today.

So you want to rush to the toilet to pee! Now you'll have to lift up your kurta and hold it between your chin and your collar bone today. I know it'll make you look like a villager trying to save your kurta from the trajectory of your aim, but considering the length of your clothing, it seems to be the only option you have today. You'll have to constantly look down while you pee, courtesy the kurta that you clench with your neck. You'll see yourself aim at the naphthalene tablets that sit right next to a chewed piece of gum that someone spat out into the urinal. If lucky, you'll also see the torn off corner of a pan masala sachet. You can thank the kurta for these sights today.

While you take a leak, be sure of having a fellow classmate enter the washroom and push you closer to the urinal just for a little fun today. As you'll try to pronounce a few words of praise for his sister, moving your upper jaw, while the lower stays stuck to your upper chest, prepare yourself for another little nudge. You'll probably lose hold on the kurta by then, letting the stream make a shapely parabola right in the centre of your kurta, all the way to the bottom. Thank the kurta for teaching you, through a simple experiment today that a straight shooting liquid does not act like a laser on an opaque surface.

You'll have to be quick with your thinking and splash water all over your clothes to camouflage the wet patch today. You can either thank the kurta for an unplanned shower from the wash basin in the men's room, or thank yourself for not wearing a pajama in place of the blue jeans today.

I'm sure you must've considered using the cubicle today, but remembering the time from school when you held the door shut because it wouldn't latch, while two boys kicked at your door and laughed, you decided to stay away from aiming into the un-flushed squat style pot today.

So you thought you could make me feel uncomfortable with your pseudo-intelligent talk, look down on the street play society and steal my thunder with the ladies today! I could still pray for you to not have another trip to the toilet, only if you're up for a round of Mountain Dew with me today.

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