Open Letter to Ted Mosby

Dear Ted,

While you sit there, telling your kids the story of how you met their mother, I think you seem to have forgotten that a huge population of the world has also sat through your narration for almost nine years now in the belief that your experiences make for a nice sitcom. Shocker, right? I thought so. Or how would you have not realized by now that the only humor in the situation is that you haven't aged even a day through all these years? Now before you start blushing like a little girl and say, “thank you”, continuing further to tell me about why saying “thanks” bastardizes the magic word, I should stop you right there and ask you to hear me out first.

I am ok with Marshall looking like he is living on a perpetual diet of 15 rupaye wale chhole bhature outside Karkarduma Court. I have no complaints against Lily's need to pout at a steam iron in an attempt to straighten out the wrinkles around her lips. I am willing to forgive the fact that Barney still dresses up like Mike Ross, when Harvey Specter's suits look more dapper. And I am ok with not hearing anyone exclaim, “Bhai, yeh toh bilkul Katrina lagti hai” on checking out Robin for the first time. But the fact that you are exactly the same even after nine years shows that you have had absolutely no character development. I guess we seem to have discovered your superpower. It being that your body ages with your mind, and well, we can clearly see how your brain hasn't matured even a bit after all these experiences. Elaborate, I shall.

So you almost got married to Stella, had to break it off twice with Victoria, fell in love with the Captain's wife and have had countless other flings when you said you had finally found the one. Good job. The men of the world are proud of the wonderful women you've managed to get with. They try to be like Barney, but realize that they relate more with you because the only time they can actually use “wait for it” is when they're about to fart after a huge serving of kadhi pakoda. You give Indian men hope to move on and find “the one” after every heartbreak. But as soon as they manage to get a girl to reply to their facebook messages, it dawns on you that you still have feelings for Robin, which makes all my brothers believe how they will never be able to get over that one woman they were once in a relationship with. I mean why would you do this to these people! The Hindi movie industry has anyway been feeding these peeps nonsense on the lines of “pehla pyaar kabhi bhulaaya nahi jaata”. Why do you have to reiterate it again and again, godammit! Set a good example for your bros and move on. Let them drunk dial their exes, pronounce a few cuss words and move on to comment, “hiiiii...... vry prty!!!!” on someone else's profile picture.

Also, your friend, Barney, deserves a hi-five on his face for letting you be such an influence on him over the years. The guy used to be such a player and look at what you've done to him in the past three seasons. The world rejoiced when he fell in love with Norah, thinking how this was the perfect ending that Barney's ba-donka-donk streak could be given. But no, he didn't stop. He then fell in love with a stripper, and proposed to her too. It seemed sweet. But no! Then he decided to get married to Robin! Great build-up. Not! I mean what have your writers been thinking? As the ping pong ball metaphor is too old now, let me ask you to not treat Robin like the diamond shaped pillow in a DDLJ inspired game of passing the parcel. So much for hating Canneda, you guys!

The ninth season is six episodes down and apart from the fact that it is just as interesting as watching Cook it Up with Tarla Dalal, you haven't even met the mother yet! I'm assuming the writers don't want you to romance Cristin Milioti even close to as much as every Punjabi hunk does with Mallika Sherawat on the Bachelorette. Why, oh why? Your gang's antics have been getting really lame for the past two seasons and going by how the current episodes are progressing, I think an additional season was added only because the UPA government gets some kind of commission for every episode made.

While we're on the topic of writing, I'd also request you to stop giving life lessons that seventeen year old girls can Google with the search query “Shitty Ted Mosby Love Quotes” and put up as their facebook status messages. It makes you look like you just walked out of a Thought Catalog article on twenty-somethings. Great taste in literature, right? Right?

I hope you realize that maybe your kids have just been humoring you for years now despite knowing that they're adopted. There's a possibility that you could be an American version of Ajay Devgn from Main Aisa Hi Hoon and your children just sit through your stories because your therapist prescribed family time for a person with special abilities. Whatever be the case, if you don't give this show the ending it deserves, know that I will get a dadi for you from India who will milaao your patri with her mandir-saheli's daughter and then harrow you to give her a par-pota to play with. Phir rakhiyo karva chauth ke vrat chhani uttha ke!

Yours truly,

Sarthak WaitedEnoughForIt Ahuja

Image Source: glamour.com