Sunday, November 24, 2013

Those are Blue Lenses, Smartass!

Lucky Ali could’ve used a reference to “blue eyes” in his video for the song Oh Sanam, but decided against it for a reason. Knowing how none of the producers could afford to hire Aishwarya Rai for just one shot of cyan eyes, people would’ve definitely confused the person behind the burqah to either be Jugal Hansraj or Adam Bedi. So he let the video be and culled lyrics suggesting the beauty of those eyes lest he sounded like a gay dude. If only the musicians of today could be intelligent like Mr. Ali and realize that the entire blue-eyed population of the country got named right in the second sentence of this post, the Indian economy would’ve saved a pelvic-load of foreign exchange that got spent in hiring Lamborghinis only so that YoYo Honey Singh could pick up a desi woman with blue eyes in a foreign locale without even realizing that she’s clearly wearing colored lenses.

Mr. Singh, I’d have contested the logic in getting hypnotized by two eyes disguised in a fake shade, half a kilometer away through the windscreen of a moving sports car, without even considering the obstruction caused by the Janpath shopped wayfarers and the visor of your cap. But I decided to cut you some slack for having to get through life with an IQ level of a Nokia 1100. However, your lyrics are more pissing than a ninety year old who cries for an adult diaper despite being attached to a dialysis machine. If the lyrics of the song were even half as fun as bolo-tara-ra-ra, I would’ve let the matter pass off in silence. But words such as “champagne ger di hai tune meri pant pe; kehti hai change karlo hotal leke rant pe” do not deserve to be forgiven.

I was amused at how the lady you picked up could not notice the beauty in the way you rhymed rant with pant. Cuz if she had, I assure you of her walking out of that car and going back to her tant. But rabb da banda you are, and also are your women god-sant. Maybe she was impressed with your promise of “pass kara dun phone ghuma ke; teri principal bhi baby YoYo ki fan hai.” I mean, if you could honestly get me to pass my CA finals by making a call to the Institute’s president, I guarantee that I’d have also dressed up in a yellow colored short dress and licked on a red ice-lolly, creating a beautiful contrast with my blue eyes so that you could pick me up on the road. I wouldn’t have cared a hoot about my safety because as soon as you’d have asked me to decide if you should take a “left ya right”, I’d have directed you to the “pillow fight” and then bashed the shit out of you with my dhai kilo ka haath because that is what I use as a pillow at night. And, shut up with the bomb-figure adjective while you dry hump some air in a Justin Timberlake ensemble. It makes you look like a person whose favorite pick up line would be “is your dad a terrorist?”

Honestly, man; I have been a fan of your music not only because it gets me a chance to dance with some pretty ladies at parties, but also because the maximum hits on my blog come from the Google search “honey singh gay”. (No kidding. Google it!) I deleted songs of Coke Studio from my phone only to make space for your music. I also published an in-depth analysis of your success in the Punjabi music industry here. I got ridiculed by the JNU types for my pedestrian taste in music, and I took it all in silence. A lot of us did. But I will not let you take advantage of your non-Chandigarh fans, who I like to believe, deserve to be given something better to help them retain their fan status.

Also, if you say “katal kare tera bomb figure” one more time, I promise to get a suicide bomber from Afghanistan and make your dream come true!


Friday, November 1, 2013

The Bollywood Horoscope Experiment

“Your day will be full of experiences today” is pretty much exactly what my horoscope reads every day. It's astounding how it so accurately sums up my life. My zodiac sign character traits define me to be a person who feels good when happy and bad when sad. I'm amazed at the accuracy of these observations and how they apply so perfectly to not just me, but to everyone else born in my zodiac month.

As much as I'd want to take these zodiac traits at face value, being a rational man having pursued the study of science up till the tenth grade, I want to put these horoscopes to a little experiment for which I would like you to be the subject.

Considering the lack of privacy Bollywood celebrities enjoy in this country, I think it will be best to compare your traits to those of a celebrity who matches your sun sign and then record the results to form our conclusions about the accuracy of these traits. Kindly cooperate.

Aries (21st March – 20th April): Ajay Devgn
The universe may not have blessed you with the best of physical beauty, but it will ensure that you find a partner who complements your visual attributes by being at par with your personality. You might improve on your physical structure by working really hard at the gym, but most of it will go unnoticed as the world does not like taking you seriously.
Lucky color: Dark Brown

Taurus (20th April – 21st May): Shiny Ahuja
You are extremely close to nature and often feel the need to strip yourself of all worldly coverings and engage in acts that can be best described as animalistic. Your animal instinct gives you great passion which often makes you forget about what or who you are doing, and put not just your heart and soul, but a lot of other personal belongings into your object of affection.
Lucky color: Skin color

Gemini (21st May: 21st June): Bobby Darling
Gemini’s are the most unique people in the zodiac and have a wonderful ability of being able to look at the best of both sides in any situation. You yearn for more and do not just settle for what life gives you. It is in your nature to defy nature’s laws, if needed, to achieve what you have set for yourself. People might label you as confused, but believe in yourself, and they will gradually begin to recognize the balance of the yin and the yang that you so beautifully represent.
Lucky colors: Pink and Blue

Cancer (21st June – 22nd July): Priyanka Chopra
A perfect Cancerian often gets confused in life and thinks of following dreams which are clearly not meant for him. You get easily distracted by the things around you, which appear exotic to your inexperienced self. Instead, you should stick to your original pursuits and see yourself rise to the status of not just a queen, but the Begum of lands far and wide.
Lucky color: Black. It’s the Badshah’s favorite, isn’t it?

Leo (22nd July – 22nd August): Sanjay Dutt
A risk taker, you believe in quick action over considerable thought. Your not so thoughtful ways land you in trouble a lot of times, but you come out stronger than ever. You may not have been blessed with a fertile imagination, but you make up for it with your fertile body which is capable of producing offsprings much past the expiry date. The sky is the limit for you when it comes to choosing a suitable career as you are capable of doing every kind of job to perfection, be it the occupation of a gangster, a doctor or a radio jockey.
Lucky colors: White with black vertical stripes

Virgo (22nd August – 22nd September): Shakti Kapoor
A Virgo is known for his passion, and you are extremely passionate about everyone you do. People around you wonder about the secret quality in you that does not clearly show in your personality, but comes out beautifully in your product, which may be your daughter, if not your work. Gifted with a beautiful voice, you are capable of making not only human but wolf sounds. The latter is more apparent from the usage of sounds like 'Aaooo' on noticing people of the opposite sex.
Lucky color: Revlon’s Luscious Red

Libra (22nd September – 23rd October): Sunny Deol
You are extremely calm and soft spoken, but when angered, you literally bring the house down. Your warrior spirit is as strong as seen in the Sikh community, and it brings you immense praise from the people around you. Time is of great importance to you and you get agitated when someone tests your patience by delaying to lend an ear to your concerns, time after time, date after date. Creative pursuits like singing and dancing should be best kept at bay.
Lucky color: Any color, as long as it is the same for the turban and the tie.

Scorpio (23rd October – 22nd November): Tusshar Kapoor
Extremely close to the women in your family, you see your support system in your sister. You will be blessed with abundance in your inheritance, but the planets will deny you the gift of gab. It is best to make the most of what you have by showing continuous affection to your siblings and engaging yourself in work that requires you to do minimum talking.
Lucky color: Any kolor with the letter K, e.g. pink

Sagittarius (22nd November – 22nd December): Govinda
A joyful person, your personality can be best described as colorful. The way you look at all colors with equal importance also shows your non-judgmental nature. Easy going and flexible, you go with the flow of the moment, and so does your body. You believe strongly in the power of self confidence and believe yourself to be the 'number one'. A true friend, you never leave the side of people who you consider close to yourself, and always prefer working with the same people.
Lucky color: Multicolor

Capricorn (22nd December – 20th January): Salman Khan
Like a hunter, you aim high and mostly achieve what you set your eyes to. However, you find it really difficult to find true love. Nature compensates for the pain that you endure in your search for love by giving you the love of the masses, where admiration for your panache trickles down to the lowest stratum of society. You may often get confused about the linguistic background you belong to, but accept the ways of speech of the country you live in and look at your confusion wither away.
Lucky color: White with “Being Human” text

Aquarius (20th January – 19th February): Abhishek Bachchan
You are born with a silver spoon in your mouth, which you refuse to take out even when you grow up, thus projecting the image of a child in want of attention. The universe will bless you with a love life much beyond your imagination. People will see you as a reflection of either of your parents, but remember to not believe them. You will see a lot of ups and downs in your career, which will bog you down at times; but you will find real peace when you surrender your current pursuit to basic ones like eating, sleeping and leaving the rest of the world alone.
Lucky color: Whichever you can spell

Pisces (19th February – 21st March): Aalia Bhatt
Born to family members known for being eccentric, it is difficult for you to think rationally. You may often find yourself confused either because of your inexperience or because of the Freudian values that you have been brought up with, complete with forced, often unnecessary innuendos. You have immense potential to rise up in life as you have been blessed with the charm of a person capable of generating paedophilic tendencies in those around you.
Lucky color: Baby Pink with a Hello Kitty Sticker for good luck

Disclaimer: Complaints against the exclusion of Shah Rukh Khan, Hrithik Roshan, Amitabh Bachchan and Katrina Kaif will not be entertained. There’s only so much that a Horoscope reader like you can ask for.

This piece originally appeared in the humor and satire column of Taleport Magazine's October 2013 issue. You can check out the magazine's latest issues and archives here.

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