Friday, December 27, 2013

The Terrace Party Guest List

The bathroom is where all the bad-asses literally get swept clean, but the most badass of all parts of a house is the terrace. If there’s one thing a person should learn from it, it has to be confidence. With dirty walls, hanging kachhe-baniyan, black Sintex water tanks and bird-poop all over its face, it is still the most loved part of the house for a party. The evidence for the same is all over my facebook home feed and I’ve decided to reiterate the same by being a host to one at the nearest opportunity.

Organizing a terrace party is easy. The blackness of the night and a bunch of glittering fairy lights from Diwali set the perfect lighting for new flattering profile pictures for all present. Deciding on the food doesn’t require much thought either as long as there’s booze and a dramatic couple on the guest list. This brings us to the most important part: deciding on the guest list. Your terrace party is incomplete without the following people, who will ensure that the event lives up to every minute detail of a typical Delhi terrace party.

The Invite Said It Starts At 8 Guy: Leaving the host’s best friend aside, every other person who makes it to the party before or within half an hour of the “scheduled” time deserves an eye roll for not just presenting himself at a time when the host has not even begun to get ready, but also for leaving open the risk of making awkward talk with the host’s parents that leaves immense scope for undesirable disclosure and hard to imagine consequences. He does not only show his lack of social understanding by reaching the party at such an inopportune time, but also exposes himself to arguments that best explain the concept of generation gap through voices traversing from hallways to awkwardly silent drawing rooms. You must not forget to invite him so as to make your parents believe that you have some “sensible” friends. It comes with the side effect of later being given his example as the epitome of the ideal son. Deal with it.

The OMG It’s So Good To See You Hyper Jump and Screech Girl: Ask this woman about any of your mutual facebook friends and be sure to get a “omg, we’re like best friends” in reply, which is enough for you to know that she uses the word “best friend” as liberally as Siddhu uses the word “haha”. She lives in a false belief of having a wonderful social circle that begins with noticing a name etched behind a DTC bus seat and ends with adding every person with that name on facebook because wow, 2900 facebook friends! You must not forget to invite her because even if the party is actually boring, all present should think that it isn’t so for others. I mean, it will look like at least someone’s having fun.

The FirstName LastName Photography: If you haven’t invested in a DSLR yourself, there is no way that you can miss out on inviting someone who owns one, no matter how much you loathe him IRL. If creativity was his last name, he’d watermark it on his pictures with the word “photography”; but he does enough already to live up to the creative image with a narcissistic facebook page, nerd glasses and a profile picture that is a selfie of him wielding his 30k possession and looking at a mirror through the view finder. You won’t have to worry about putting up pictures, because he will do it for you complete with “editing” which is the one word for crop-deepen-glow. Just make sure to tell him not to add that idiotic watermark. No one’s stealing his work to enter into a desi-dope-scene-photography competition. He can just drop. the. goddamn. watermark!

The BFF Girl Gang: These gals have a post party night-over planned for themselves that shows how thick their friendship is to have survived over six months without anyone getting vocal about the ugly group dynamics. The leader of the pack stands in the centre while the others flock around in poses that would be most suitable during a screen test for the new face of Moov’s Aaa se Aaha campaign. Putting all hands on the waists and more than gently arching the backs to flash their better profiles into the camera, they can also never seem to get rid of the Hyper Jump and Screech Girl, who they will bitch about being chape when the picture is up on facebook. You must invite them to really understand the value of all your friends who you have been taking for granted till now. Zilch, that is.

The Dude Chain: The guest list has to include a bunch of cool guys who look good holding a beer bottle each and just silently observe the girl gang do 'their steps' to 'their song'. This group has nothing much to talk about other than discussing everyone's need for a change in job. It diffuses with one taking charge of DJ'ing on the laptop; another trying to network with all the random faces because that's what parties are for; the third tagging along with his girlfriend because he got invited courtesy her; and the fourth joining the women in dance, thinking of himself as a player despite just having played the trail of aces in being friendzoned.

The Silent Corner: You will have to invite at least one person because he/she invited you to his/her birthday in the third grade; or because he/she thinks of you as a close friend and this is your chance at a guilt-free pass for not feeling the same; or your parents are fond of this person; or you have to invite him/her because others from the same group are invited and it'll be awkward otherwise; or because this mirage called social norm is staring you in the face. If it's a woman, don't worry; she'll find someone who'd try to make conversation with her in order to get lucky. If it's a guy, I feel you, bro.

The Uninitiated Relatives: I know you know it's a bad idea, but you can't fight against your parents' prerogative of inviting some bua’s and chachi’s. It's not generation gap when you can tell that it's not a wise idea, but your parents can't. It's just wisdom of the fact that there will be scandalization of middle-aged peeps who will complain for eternity about today's kids not touching their feet and wearing haaye, besharmi wale kapde. The worst part is how they won't roll their eyes, but stare right at all your friends, further scandalizing everyone else. Judgment Day has a whole new meaning in your life henceforth.

The Cinderella and a Half: This person will make the biggest deal about leaving early so as to make it back home well before her curfew time. But she won't leave in silence. Instead, she'll send the person she came with on a guilt trip because ek toh jaldi jaane ka naatak, upar se doosre pe waapis drop karne ki responsibility is how she rolls. It's just the absolute worst if it's a guy. Back home by 11, my Punjabi patoots.

There may be more awesome peeps on your list, but I assure you that I am the worst version of all the above-mentioned, including being a member of a girl gang and worrying about turning into a pumpkin as soon as the clock strikes ten. That might make you strike me off your next party guest list. But I'd ask you to consider how just inviting one person (cue: me) who meets all the criteria on the list will help you have a very cool, economical party. Aakhir hum jahan khade ho jaate hain, party wahin se shuru ho jaati hai.

29 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Ae lo ji, Navvy paaji! Tussi list'ich kuchh add te kitta ni. Twaanu te bot experience hai :D
      But twaada paela comment. Thanks ji :D

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  2. @@@@ yes, chhota, sweet and crisp :) :)
    and, seriously, what's with people going to parties only to get new profile pics?!
    and uff, I know, DSLR wale right?!

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    Replies
    1. Haha. Guilty! Also, still praying for a DSLR. Sigh!

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  3. 5 Jalebis are too less for this one! I think no one has escaped from experiencing the DSLR and the Curfew one!
    PS- "Dont underestimate the power of a halwai" sounds perfect after reading your blog. (It absolutely didn't sound so post chennai express!:P)
    =)


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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Gauri. I'll be honest, I haven't watched Chennai Express. But I get the "flattery" :D

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  4. "I feel you, bro" Fucking hilarious typo :')

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  5. Amazingly hilarious man. :-)
    @@@@@ for you
    @/2 for the dslr guy. :P

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. The DSLR guy says thanks too :)

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  6. Hilarious, as ever! @@@@@ for this one!

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    Replies
    1. Aey Nipunwa, apna dhanwaad toh levat ja :D

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  7. I'd be part of the BFF girl gang, and we don't miss a chance to bitch about the Hyper Jump and Screech girl! And there's always the DSLR guy! XD
    "Hum jahan khade ho jaate hain wahin se party shuru ho jaati hai." Signing off in style (even if it's copied from a rather lame movie), I like that!
    I'll give you @@@@@, no post of yours deserves less than that. :)

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    Replies
    1. I had no idea this line is from a movie! Which one? Tell me!

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    2. I think it's from an old Amitabh Bachhan Movie...might be Kaalia. But he repeated it in Buddha Hoga Tera Baap, which is the lame movie I was referring to.

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  8. Every category reminded me of someone!! So aptly described...your blogs are just amazing to read!

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    Replies
    1. I'm sure it reminded you of a lot of people ;)

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  9. I guess I'm the DSLR guy, sadly flipping through albums and seeing none of my photograafs.
    But totally agreed ki hamesha there's this one girl jo ek to jaldi jaa rahi hai and fir dusre ki bhi responsibility hai oospar. Loved it. :)

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  10. Mind, blown. Great read as always :)

    Happy New Year to you!

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  11. Woah. So appropriate.
    Couldn't have been better. Brilliant work :)
    @@@@@

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    Replies
    1. Yo go to a lot of terrace parties, eh? Thank you :D

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  12. "The leader of the pack stands in the centre while the others flock around in poses that would be most suitable during a screen test for the new face of Moov’s Aaa se Aaha campaign" this line KILLED me.

    Two suggested types to add: foreign returned-salman-khan-accent person who will insist on showing you pictures of the indian food they cooked in their dorms in some village in the US.
    AND being delhi, at least one jhola-carrying-bleeding-heart-type who shows you the error of your jaded ways.

    :) nicely done though! I want to be at a delhi terrace part right now!!

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    Replies
    1. I don't know any foreign return Salman-Khan-accent types, maybe because there aren't any in my social circle. I can actually imagine people like that though. But the jhola guy for sure! :D

      I had at least one person in mind while listing all of them down. See, shows how I write about real people and true incidents O:-)

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If you had 5 Jalebis, how many would you give me for writing this post?

None = You don't deserve any >:O
@ = Soggy and stale! :(
@@ = Stale! :|
@@@ = I'll need a samosa to digest this with! :P
@@@@ = Sweet and Crisp! :)
@@@@@ = I'm opening you a Halwai Shop! :D