Monday, January 6, 2014

Why Beyoncé Won't Make a Punjabi Bahu

I’ve reached the age at which other than having the comfort of being way too young to tie the knot, I have a number of cousins who stand ahead of me in the queue to marriage-land. It’s comforting because family gatherings are not made awkward with statements like, “ab tere liye bhi ladki dhoond lein” thrown towards me. Instead, I am the one who’ll be made responsible to ensure that none of the ladki wale get their hands on the dulha’s shoes; not just once, but a couple of times over during the next few years.

As my parents are yet to harrow me into thinking about marriage the whole day, I can still dream of Hollywood actresses without feeling pathetic about not really ending up with any of them in real life. On the other hand, my very eligible brothers have finally, being unaware of their blinding over-confidence, accepted that no matter how much they try, a hot patota like Beyoncé Knowles would never be accepted as a bahu in their Punjabi households. And here I bring to you the top reasons why, even though you think your Punjabi genes have blessed you with better looks than Jay-Z, your dadi will not rest in peace in case you’re thinking of making Beyoncé’s kids her pota-poti.

Haaye Haaye, Koi Gori Chitti Labhni Si

If you had a good Punjabi upbringing, you’d know that the color black is accepted only in the kaali-dal and never when it comes to women. The Punjabi bebey can tolerate a gori-chitti-mem as her bahu if the latter, firstly, agrees to wear a Patiala salwar and look like an extra from the sets of a Karan Johar shaadi song set in New York; and secondly, says “paeri pauna, mummyji” in an American accent when the old lady sits in the sun with her senior citizen girlfriends, knitting sweaters and peeling oranges in the Delhi winters. But a dark skinned woman, no matter how pretty, can never become the bahu of your very sanskaari house because kaali-kalooti-baingan-looti and all that jazz. Your dadi will know that no matter how much doodh-malai-diyan-creamaan her kaali nuu puts on her face, she will never have the glow of a freshly churned dollop of white butter that she loves to put on her makki di roti. “Saron de saag de rang di kudi kinnu chaayedi hai? Dafaa kar ennu! Dhup ich ghumdi hogi din bhar, je inni kaali thi payi hai.

Koi Kapoorni Labhni Si, Ae Knowles Kitthe Da Naa Hai?

As a Punjabi, you must choose a Kapoor, Khanna, Malhotra or Bajaj di kudi as your life partner. You must also know that your bebey will be happier in case your lovely lady’s parents come from the same town in Pakistan from where your ancestors fled in the August of 1947. I’m sure you must be aware of the scrunching of a Punjabi nose and lines of worry that appear as soon as someone talks about a prospective alliance from the Baniya clan; so it’d be more than foolish to think of presenting a woman with the surname “Knowles”. I can guarantee some unforgivable and unabashed words being thrown at you, that’d sound like: Knowles te Punjabi ni honde; kaayast di kudi hai?

Dupatta Kadin Ni Kardi, Besharm Jayin

While you’re a huge fan of the leg piece, the dadi is pure vegetarian. So it’s understandable how the dancing legs that make you drool are just as exciting to your bebey as is a Nokia 1100 to Rajiv Makhni. The ideal Punjabi bahu is supposed to not just be sanskaari enough to touch her elders’ feet, but also wise enough to put her dupatta over her head when she does so. It doesn’t mean that your family won’t allow her to wear western outfits. Jeans or Capri pants aside, she will also raise absolutely no eyebrows if she bares her midriff in a lehnga-choli. I’m sure you can foretell that her idea of fashion will be flashing a golden-dori hanging from the bottom of her backless blouse into the camera right after she gets ready for a wedding function. Also, cutsleeve blouse paa ke sohni lagni, bebey di nuu. Ooooh, modern!

Aaloo Poori te Rajma Chawl te Banane Aune Chaayide

Being modern peeps of the 21st century, the Punjabi dadi’s don’t expect their potey di voti to sit at home like a housewife anymore. She’s expected to go and work at the place of her choice, to help the elderly boast about how the nuu goes to work at an MNC in Gurgaon. “Ajj kal saareyan de ghar maid haigi. Nuu-aan kolon vi tem ni haiga kitchen ich ghusan da”; but to be the perfect bahu, your wife must also know how to cook Aaloo-Poori for breakfast on a Sunday morning and Rajma-Chawl for lunch on the same day. Gol rotis go without saying, because we all know how much emphasis her mother lay on it during the two week kitchen training right before marriage.

You may call the bebey old fashioned and all, but her worry has roots in the words of the neighbor that says, “Ajj kal munde seedhe ne; kudiyan badi tez han.” She’s probably just looking for the best for her family ka chirag. It’s an arranged marriage, she’ll have her say. After all, the men of our city haven’t acted like gentlemen in a while, to really make women fall in love with them in the first place.

20 comments:

  1. @@@@@ --- i swear this one rocked me out of my chair at work... my colleague from the next cabin came asking if i was alright... and oh yeah "very eligible brothers"... oh yeah again for that one.... and "Koi Gori Chitti Labhni Si" ... believe me when the time comes it wont only be bebe with the advice... a generation younger (without taking names so that you dont get me into trouble with anybody) will say the same.....

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    1. Hahaha. I'm sure. I didn't wish to take any names either. But you're getting there soon. Btw, I wish we get to travel to Australia for your wedding. Jugaad nikaalo, yaar!

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    2. sorry it took me like 2 weeks to come to this... was nikalo-fying a jugaad... good thought.. but hold onto it... it will be difficult.... anyway... you are welcome to come to Australia anytime for a vacation and stay with me... unfortunately i stay in Canberra now.. to which most tourists give a miss when they come down under.. but u never know... you might just like it.. plus there are places nearby where you can go for sort of day trips or weekend trips that are very pretty...

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  2. Wow! Somehow all these conditions apply to not only punjabis but other communities as well. No wonder I couldn't stop laughing!
    Ps. Thanks to ur blog that now I know all significant punjabi terms, but I'm still dicey on the meaning bit. :P
    @@@@

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    1. Koi ni, yaar. Ask me any of the meanings. Assi ta sabnu Punjabi sikhaunde ne.

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  3. So a darky punjabi is doomed or should she marry a Bong?
    Are you a vegetarian punj? Besides punjabis,which other community scores well in your report card?
    Will you have a phodu wedding or a modest one when your time comes?

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    Replies
    1. She could also use some Fair & Lovely, no? :P
      Yes, vegetarian punj. Canedde wale Punjabi te Sydney wale.
      Kudi labh la, pher dassna 'aan.

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  4. All those homely Punjabi phrases added just the right amount of mirch-masala to the already hilarious post! I wonder how these out-of-the-box topics come to your mind! And the way you throw in those random yet appropriate references is like a cherry on top! Like that Rajiv Makhni reference that came out of nowhere!
    What can I say? 5 delicious jalebis dripping with extra desi ghyo. :)

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    1. You, my dear T-Bub, are just so nice with a bag full of flattering comments and all. Thank you :)

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  5. Write a post on punjabi food Sarthakji.
    Something special for lohri ji.
    Lakh lakh vadhaiyan twanu.

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    1. Twaanu vi wadhaiyan ji. Very nice type da idea ditta hai tussi. Likh deyaanga kuchh soon :)

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  6. This post made me keep saying 'Beyonce Knowles Ahuja/Khanna/Kapoor" a dozen times in my head... :D
    @@@@ for you and one @ for dear Bebey of course, she deserves her credit!

    PS: Have you ever considered joining Quora, 'coz I am pretty sure you'd be more than welcome there! :P

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    Replies
    1. I've read a lot about Quora, but never tried it. Will do now. Thank you :)

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  7. hahaha...fell off my chair laughing..
    worth a few jalebis!!!@@@@@@@.......
    i liked the lines written in punjabi...punjabi dadiyan are just like that.....
    just show her your post ...she's gonna say"ni puttar tu ai ki likhta paya hai.. main tainu kuttangi..!!

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    1. But sachaai no? My dadi would forget her godde ka dard if she's told that her pota has decided to get married.

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  8. Replies
    1. No. Hair removal won't help her case much.

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  9. Horrible Racist article which you and your community take so much pride in. I thought Punjabis were such well cultured people until I read this piece of. Horrendous!! and you people reading this and falling of chairs, I hope, will land on your brainless heads someday. This is in no way funny but illiterate, insensitive, racist and a culmination of garbage from your head.

    Sasriyakal matharchod!!!

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    Replies
    1. Love it when humor comes in the form of people not getting sarcasm and satire.

      Thank you for adding to the humor quotient of this blog :)

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    2. There is humor and then there is something called being sensitive. Yeah a black woman in India who is deeply affected by this article is the 'humor quotient', my point exactly. Unless you are on the receiving end you will not understand or support discrimination rather you'd call it sarcasm. If it hurts someone you should think twice before masking it in humor. I am offended that someone would want to write about the cruel color discrimination that exists in India and call it humor. Educating people against this is the way to go. You call it sarcasm but for a person who believes in this color discrimination it does nothing but strengthen his backward beliefs. India desperately needs teaching rather than sarcasm and crude humor. It has gone beyond the point of humor.

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If you had 5 Jalebis, how many would you give me for writing this post?

None = You don't deserve any >:O
@ = Soggy and stale! :(
@@ = Stale! :|
@@@ = I'll need a samosa to digest this with! :P
@@@@ = Sweet and Crisp! :)
@@@@@ = I'm opening you a Halwai Shop! :D