A Dodo's Reading List for the Resumé

Having passed my CA finals recently and not having found the modesty to not mention it at every possible opportunity, like the one above, I am yet to reach the point where the feeling finally sinks in. My parents have been trying to make me feel like a Chartered Accountant through words that sound like, “now you’re free to do whatever you want; choose wisely” but literally translate to “we will always have the power to veto your decision of a career path, the girl of your choice and the kind of pictures/posts you put up on facebook”. To compensate for the lack of authority in areas that really matter, I’ve been given the power to interview and select trainees who I think are fit enough to work in our firm.

Yes, I get to ask cliché pseudo-smart shit like “tell me five reasons why I should not select you”, to which the smartass replies with “my handwriting is not very neat”, thinking that it’s a safe answer to give because these days everyone works on the computer and typing speed is more important than one’s handwriting. However, I get to own him immediately after when I tell him that for the first three months his job will be to fill government applications that are required to be filled by hand, and he is unfit for the said position. But before I can enjoy my moment, the wonderful hobby called “reading” glares at me from his resumé and I can literally spell out the books and authors he will mention in the next two minutes.

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

If only Paulo Coelho were a Bollywood fan, he’d have figured how his book made record sales in the Indian sub-continent only because the very few who had read the book and also watched Om Shanti Om spread the word on the grapevine that the novella takes inspiration from Shahrukh Khan’s, “Kehte hain kisi cheez ko agar dil se chaho toh saari kayanath tumhe usse milane ki koshish me lag jaati hai”. Consequently, the bhed-chaal just bought copies off traffic signals to feel patriotic and go ape-shit about Mera-Bharat-Mahan and Shahrukh-is-so-romantic at the same time.

In case you mention Paulo Coelho as your favorite author, please make sure you do it not because the orange colored pirated copy on your book shelf is just a little over a hundred-fifty pages long, making it the longest story you’ve ever read, but because you want to be bitchslapped for not even knowing the names of two other books written by the Brazilian author.

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne

Only firm believers and practitioners of the Secret mention the book during an interview; which is something I can say with unshakeable faith because I’m sure the interviewee had already visualized the interview in his head fifty-six times and made himself believe that talking about the law of attraction would really impress the interviewer. However, truth be told, a person spends more time feeling the smooth picture of the wax seal on the cover than reading what the book actually has to say, which is: ask, believe, receive.

I won’t blame the poor “reader” kid though. He’s seen the secret work for people like Vivek Oberoi, who “asked” for trouble when he messed with Salman bhai, “believed” in Aishwarya’s love for his silky hair, and then “received” one tight slap from the twitterati when he compared his performance to that of Heath Ledger’s. Really worked for him!

But, going through a few pages that look like an adult’s version of a kindergarten pictorial story book, in which the idea is repeated again and again and again and again so that the little five year olds understand it better, does not count as reading!

Three Books by Chetan Bhagat

If a movie adaptation actually turns out to be better than the book, you can safely say that it’s not the director who is brilliant, but the book that is shitty. I must clarify though that I do not hate Chetan Bhagat. I’ve enjoyed reading some of his stories like they’re the first drafts for a Bollywood B-grader. But, it pains me immensely when a person mentions Bhagat as his favorite author. It’s all the more ridiculous because the so called reader has read not more than three books by Chetan, and the reason why he stopped was not because he realized they were the three mistakes of his life, but because he then took up a job requiring him to spend more than one night at the call centre.

The Monk who sold His Ferrari & 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Either of these two books will feature in the list because the interviewee:

-had been hearing about them at personality development seminars and other places where you’d form a crappy social circle

-found them for cheap at a traffic signal

-makes him look intelligent in front of his Chetan Bhagat reading friends

-has learnt up the names of the authors but not cared to read the books because oh-gawd-so-boring!

-thinks it is still safe to mention it because every goddamn self-help book under the sun has the same things to say.

-has read The Secret as well as quoted Shiv Khera’s “Winners don’t do different things, they do things differently” in the one debate he participated in during school. So he can pass off shit from there in either of these without really getting caught.

-the interviewer has them on his shelf but hasn’t read them either because oh-gawd-so-boring!

Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown

Realizing that all our purchases are made at traffic signals, it’s easy to just grab one pirated book seller and list down all his items for sale in such an anthology. However, I will give some extra points to the person who has read the Da Vinci Code, provided he also admits to having read Angels & Demons and getting inspired to design ambigrams thereafter.

Even if the interviewee has not read anything apart from these two books by Brown, I will not judge him for calling him his favorite author because it takes talent to make stories about the church and dying naked old men interesting.

And now for the one answer that will guarantee a throw-up for the interviewer and throw-out for the interviewee:

The Newspaper

“So what were the headlines of today?”

“Sir, today I did not read it because I had to prepare for this interview!”

Image Source: facebook.com/akshar.pathak