They say Sanskrit is the mother of all languages. I think I’ve heard the same about Latin, too. But clearly, no one gives competition to Punjabi in being the bauji, papaji and tu-jaanta-nahi-mera-baap-kaun-hai of all languages. If it were to dress up as a person, I’m sure it would look like a lingo with a bingo bulging out of its pants. Now, before I’m given grief for being overtly sexist, I should cut to the chase and provide support to all the non-Punjabi speaking ladies in the form of easy tips on how to pass off your Hindi as Punjabi like a pro. Nay, like a praa!
Oye!
The Oye is not your usual sissyfest of a greeting. On a scale of badassery from 'Hey' to 'Aur bey, saale', it ranks just above 'Yo', making it perfectly suitable for being used as a first name in your cool Punjabi rapper pseudonym. It doesn't matter if you put it in the beginning, middle or end of your sentence. It's way cooler than English, where using a 'hey' at any place other than the beginning will just make you sound like Forrest Gump.
Exhibit A:
English: Hey there, Delilah. Delilah there, hey!
^ Creepy as fuck. And sorry to say, but does not make you sound like Yoda.
Punjabi: Oye, Delilah. Delilah, oye!
^ Sounds like the title of a Bollywood movie. I mean, can there be a better way to make a woman literally go weak in her knees without considering the option of breaking her godde with a hockey stick?
You can garnish your Hindi with some 'oye' here and there and you'll be half way through sounding like a proper Punjabi.
Haiga
Not to be confused with the Japanese art form by the same name, Haiga is a word that most Hindi speakers use as a substitute to 'hai' only to pass off as being all cool Punjabi and shit. Haigi and Haige are other variations of the word, to be used depending on what you wish to say. The Punjabification of your Hindi through this simple tweak is illustrated as under.
Hindi: Yo Yo Honey Singh ji kahan hai?
Punjabified: Oye, Yo Yo Honey Singh ji kahan haige?
Caution to be taken here is to know your pauses. Or you could have someone reply to that question with: “Kahan hai gay? Dude, your ideas about homosexuality are really screwed up! It doesn't change with geographical location. Like, how bloody ignorant are you!” *pulls faggot face*
Ullu De Patthe, Teri Paen Di!
This is a tricky one for the Tamilians to pronounce because, apparently, a TamBrahm’s “ullu da pattha” sounds exactly like his “aaloo da parantha”. But bad jokes and offensive regionalism aside, Ullu Da Pattha is the cutest gaali you can give someone. (Yes, you -give- a gaali). And therefore, it makes a wonderful phrase to throw around through the day and look like a pakka Dilli da Punjabi munda. It is cleaner than the usual possessive nouns used in context of the feminine gender, and most of the times, a person wouldn't mind being called such a name. Matbal, paaji, boli Punjabi inni mitthi hai ke gaali vi deyo te tareef lagdi ae.
Sat Sri Akal, ji!
They say how cuss words are the first thing that a person learns in a new language, and we didn't want to be any different. But since your parents won't allow you to move out unless you land a job in Gurgaon, it's important that you maintain the decorum of the place. So, along with making sure that you do not put any of your friends on speaker phone while driving with your parents, please be sure to greet your elders with a pleasant "sat sri akal, ji" every morning. It sounds even better when you go full throttle with a "sat sri akal, ji, sat sri akal" to everyone you meet during the day.
Also, Punjabi being a wonderfully respectful language, it goes without saying that "ji" be suffixed after everything. Example: Haanji, paaji! Twaada kamm te poora done, ji. Bilkul ji bilkul!
And before I forget, it’s “sat sri akal” for rabb di sake. Bloody “sass riya kaal” would mean something fairly close to: “Riya’s mother-in-law is black”.
Tidh Da Maamla
Every random community from India talks like it’s the biggest foodie around. But what marks a true Punjabi is the incessant argument about how the best frikkin’ *name a food item* is always at a dhaba in Amritsar. Trust me when I tell you that no one will ever doubt the authenticity of the statement: “Paaji, Golden Temple de kol, pencho, inna wadhiya khaana khaada main. By god, kasam naal, aes tohn wadhiya noodle samosa te China’ch vi ni milna twaanu.” Also, if anyone asks you about the best food you’ve ever eaten, as a matter of thumb rule; it is the langar at the Golden Temple.
And just in case you didn’t know, women are loved just as much as food in Punjab. So if the conversation is in context of the “makkhan de toleyon”; you get the best of those in “Chandigarh sector sataaraa di market”. *gulps down a glass of lassi in preparation for the unleashing of feminist rage in comments*
Babloo, Bittoo, Babli
The easiest way to catch a non-Punjabi is by asking him to name his bua’s, chacha’s and mama’s. Please ensure that you do not address any of your chache-mame by their real names prefixed to the relationship title. Pet names rhyming with baboon are a must for the entire generation; and here are some for quick reference: Babli Maasi, Bittoo Mama, Bobby Chacha, Babloo Bhaiya and Bunty Tauji.
The Nitty Gritties
Some other points to note are:
Whenever the topic of weather comes up, don’t just comment on the miserable climate; instead, give credit to the other for brutally remote controlling the shit out of dhoop, garmi, thand and baarish. E.g.: Aur bhai, badi garmi kara rakhi hai yaar tune!
Never accuse anyone of not taking out the time to meet you. Ask for their darshan instead. “Aur prabhu, darshan nahi dete aap aaj kal!”
And above all, be thankful to Maata Rani for everything. Nothing solves problems like a jaikaara shera wali da; bol saache darbar ki jai!
***********
You might also want to read A Dummy’s Guide to Writing a Punjabi Song and Why Beyonce Won’t Make a Punjabi Bahu!
Image Source: telegraph.co.uk
