Jalool Jalool Aana: A Dummy's Guide to a Wedding Invite

The design institutes of the country produce designers by the dozen, ready to unfurl their creativity in the form of printed machhar daani's being passed off as netted saari's on slender ladies, who walk the ramp with leg movements that speak of a request to wear pants over an unwashed patootie after a bodily waste removal routine. And there are jewellery designers who make neck pieces so huge and triangular that they could be used to cover an African tribal's crotch. You know it's friggin' huge if it can cover an African's if-you-know-what-I-mean. Then there are web designers and graphic designers, which are job profiles requiring you to do everything you did while trying to attract college freshmen to join your pseudo cool society in college using stock images and crappy photoshop skills. With various specialization areas to study design in, still none to bring about a change in the way Indians design wedding invitations, it's about time that a course in Indian Wedding Card Designing is introduced and the following cliches put to an end.

Ganesh Ji

Ganesh ji is gracious enough to bless every newly-wed so that there are no hindrances in the wedding ceremonies. He makes sure that your wedding goes smoothly even though as per popular belief, and much to his relief, he never got married himself. So he's not someone to get jealous and be like: “Haan bey, vats! Meri shaadi toh huyi nahi, sab ki shaadiyon pe muft ke aashirwaad battwa lo!” Despite being aware of his love for laddoos, people don't go ape shit about “yeh shaadi ka laddoo hai; jo khaaye woh pachhtaaye, jo na khaaye woh pachhtaaye” around him, 'cuz he's all like: “Lele, bro, jitne laddoo lene hain mujhse; moti choor, besan, boondi. Lekin aage se yeh ghatiya line maari na, toh kabhi laddoo khaane ke laayak nahi chhodunga” *whips trunk*

Being the darling that he is, I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you decide to skip his photo from your wedding card for once. After all, he's not one of your family aunties who would go around telling the guests about kitna ghatiya arrangement karaaya hai only because you decide not to print his photo on the invitation. There was a time when he used to be happy about being cut out from the invite by a school kid for some Hindi notebook or project which required a Ganpati photo. These days, kids just Google the most badass of all images of him from the internet and the wedding invitation goes to raddii, which is definitely not a place like Goa that would leave our deity beaming and in the mood to click selfies in front of semi clad Germans on the beach.

Also, all that the guests care about is the food, and not whether you've typed a Vakratund Mahakay shlok on the invite. No suryakoti samaprabha, dude.

The Sehrabandi and Reception of Baraat

One, there's no point putting a time for Sehrabandi on the card. It is not one of the bandi's people come to check out at a wedding. Two, if you were to print your wedding invite on a stamp paper, sign it and get it witnessed by two random guys standing outside the court, your timings for departure or reception of baraat would amount to misrepresentation. But only because you thought printing it on a thousand rupees stamp paper would not make the invite look rich enough, it does not mean that you have the liberty to go about lying so blatantly.

It'll be honest to just mention the timing when dinner is scheduled to open for the ladki wale, who don't give a shit about when the baraat will come. They just want to eat, hand over the sagan ka lifaafa and leave because kahaan duur jaake farm book kara hai; kal savere office bhi jaana hai, yaar.

Taaron ki Chhaon Mein

I don't know about taare, bro, but all that one can see at frikkin' four-thirty in the morning after fantasizing about every lehnga choli wali for over one twenty hours is, “Bhains ki aankh, neend kharaab kar di, bc! Khatam karo, saale, aur sone do.” The others who live on Revital and somehow manage to stay up till that early in the morning just care about whether the dulhan would cry or not. Because potential for family gossip and all as aaj kal ke bachon ka kuchh pata nahi, bhai; bidaai ke samay khushi chhupaaye nahi chhupti!

Also, who the frig saw taare in Delhi in over a century? A more apt expression for the time of bidaai would be: Subah paani ki motor chalaane ke time pe. Because I don't think anything else happens at goddamn four-thirty in the morning.

Technically too, the expression loosely translates to “The Shade of the Stars”. Isse achha “The Fault in Our Stars” likh lete; zyada romantic lagta. Anyway, in a few months, there's no way one will be left believing that his stars were perfect to have gotten him married to such a biaaatch in life.

The Jalool

You have no idea about how embarrassed the groom's nephew will be if he ever manages to lay his hands on his mama ki shaadi ka card after a few years. Because one, he does not have a goddamn lisp; and two, his Modern School education does not teach him to say ridiculous shit like, “mele mamu ki shaadi mein jalool jalool aana.” This is not just misrepresentation of facts, but offensive, hurtful and prejudicial to the sexual interests of the nephew.

Trust me, make him sit on the maami's lap as much as you want on the day of the engagement, but he does not give so much as a shit about his mama's wedding.

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Image Source: myshaadi.in