Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Jalool Jalool Aana: A Dummy's Guide to a Wedding Invite

The design institutes of the country produce designers by the dozen, ready to unfurl their creativity in the form of printed machhar daani's being passed off as netted saari's on slender ladies, who walk the ramp with leg movements that speak of a request to wear pants over an unwashed patootie after a bodily waste removal routine. And there are jewellery designers who make neck pieces so huge and triangular that they could be used to cover an African tribal's crotch. You know it's friggin' huge if it can cover an African's if-you-know-what-I-mean. Then there are web designers and graphic designers, which are job profiles requiring you to do everything you did while trying to attract college freshmen to join your pseudo cool society in college using stock images and crappy photoshop skills. With various specialization areas to study design in, still none to bring about a change in the way Indians design wedding invitations, it's about time that a course in Indian Wedding Card Designing is introduced and the following cliches put to an end.

Ganesh Ji

Ganesh ji is gracious enough to bless every newly-wed so that there are no hindrances in the wedding ceremonies. He makes sure that your wedding goes smoothly even though as per popular belief, and much to his relief, he never got married himself. So he's not someone to get jealous and be like: “Haan bey, vats! Meri shaadi toh huyi nahi, sab ki shaadiyon pe muft ke aashirwaad battwa lo!” Despite being aware of his love for laddoos, people don't go ape shit about “yeh shaadi ka laddoo hai; jo khaaye woh pachhtaaye, jo na khaaye woh pachhtaaye” around him, 'cuz he's all like: “Lele, bro, jitne laddoo lene hain mujhse; moti choor, besan, boondi. Lekin aage se yeh ghatiya line maari na, toh kabhi laddoo khaane ke laayak nahi chhodunga” *whips trunk*

Being the darling that he is, I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you decide to skip his photo from your wedding card for once. After all, he's not one of your family aunties who would go around telling the guests about kitna ghatiya arrangement karaaya hai only because you decide not to print his photo on the invitation. There was a time when he used to be happy about being cut out from the invite by a school kid for some Hindi notebook or project which required a Ganpati photo. These days, kids just Google the most badass of all images of him from the internet and the wedding invitation goes to raddii, which is definitely not a place like Goa that would leave our deity beaming and in the mood to click selfies in front of semi clad Germans on the beach.

Also, all that the guests care about is the food, and not whether you've typed a Vakratund Mahakay shlok on the invite. No suryakoti samaprabha, dude.

The Sehrabandi and Reception of Baraat

One, there's no point putting a time for Sehrabandi on the card. It is not one of the bandi's people come to check out at a wedding. Two, if you were to print your wedding invite on a stamp paper, sign it and get it witnessed by two random guys standing outside the court, your timings for departure or reception of baraat would amount to misrepresentation. But only because you thought printing it on a thousand rupees stamp paper would not make the invite look rich enough, it does not mean that you have the liberty to go about lying so blatantly.

It'll be honest to just mention the timing when dinner is scheduled to open for the ladki wale, who don't give a shit about when the baraat will come. They just want to eat, hand over the sagan ka lifaafa and leave because kahaan duur jaake farm book kara hai; kal savere office bhi jaana hai, yaar.

Taaron ki Chhaon Mein

I don't know about taare, bro, but all that one can see at frikkin' four-thirty in the morning after fantasizing about every lehnga choli wali for over one twenty hours is, “Bhains ki aankh, neend kharaab kar di, bc! Khatam karo, saale, aur sone do.” The others who live on Revital and somehow manage to stay up till that early in the morning just care about whether the dulhan would cry or not. Because potential for family gossip and all as aaj kal ke bachon ka kuchh pata nahi, bhai; bidaai ke samay khushi chhupaaye nahi chhupti!

Also, who the frig saw taare in Delhi in over a century? A more apt expression for the time of bidaai would be: Subah paani ki motor chalaane ke time pe. Because I don't think anything else happens at goddamn four-thirty in the morning.

Technically too, the expression loosely translates to “The Shade of the Stars”. Isse achha “The Fault in Our Stars” likh lete; zyada romantic lagta. Anyway, in a few months, there's no way one will be left believing that his stars were perfect to have gotten him married to such a biaaatch in life.

The Jalool

You have no idea about how embarrassed the groom's nephew will be if he ever manages to lay his hands on his mama ki shaadi ka card after a few years. Because one, he does not have a goddamn lisp; and two, his Modern School education does not teach him to say ridiculous shit like, “mele mamu ki shaadi mein jalool jalool aana.” This is not just misrepresentation of facts, but offensive, hurtful and prejudicial to the sexual interests of the nephew.

Trust me, make him sit on the maami's lap as much as you want on the day of the engagement, but he does not give so much as a shit about his mama's wedding.


Immediate Family Surname
Maternal Family Surname
Person you don't know how your grandparents are related to Surname
Who the Frig is this Surname

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  1. Nice write up!
    I wonder if you'd prefer a no-frills marriage as a punju yourself.
    Or this is just a light hearted dissing..
    I wonder if e-invites are better or are they too impersonal?
    Or should we have photos of would be dulha-dulhan instead of cheesy Ganeshji?
    Or if a humble fare at the wedding will really be a memorable affair-as most remember marriages by their spread.
    What kind of wedding will you have Sarthak,and if wedding is necessary at all?

    1. I think I'd want a number of ceremonies to satellite around the wedding date. One being all morning sea side brunch scene. Another be at some amusement park. But the main event to be like a big fat Punjabi scene.

      I think it's nicer to invite in person.

      That is exactly what I'd want. Photos of the dulha-dulhan. *realizes that it's such a narcissistic answer*

      I think that answered all.

  2. Bwahahahaha. Clich├ęs sooo fuckin true man! Best wo fault in our stars wala tha n bandi wala...kya bindass likha hai Sarthak!. Wedding cards ke sath ppl send those 4 moti choor ke laddoo which are as big as African*...* as you rightly mentioned. And you end up serving the shaadi ki mithai as naashta in front of the guest for next whole month to get away with eating the desi ghee on urown

    1. "And you end up serving the shaadi ki mithai as naashta in front of the guest for next whole month to get away with eating the desi ghee on urown"

      ^All the frikkin' time! ALL. THE. FRIKKIN'. TIME. :D

  3. Hahahahaha!
    Great job!
    So freaking awesome!
    Loved it
    @@@@@ :D

    1. Thank you, ji. Thank you, thank you.
      *takes a bow*

  4. Shaadi season is full of hypocrisy,
    That happens only in India.
    I totally hate punjabis for their over-the-top excesses.

    1. I totally love them Punjabis for their over-the-top excesses. Bruaaaaah! B^)

    That's exactly what I think of each of these things! Especially the Ganesh ji part, the sehrabandi, and taaro ki chhao me. Also, the Jalool part and the RSVP. So, yeah, everything.
    All people care about during the 'phere' is to be chhat ki chhao me, to avoid the heat or cold of Delhi nights and the killer mosquitoes that come out along with the practically invisible 'taare'.

    'Subah paani ki motor chalane ke time pe.' - Hahaha, loved this part. And I agree that nothing else goes down just before dawn in any urban household, if at all anything. Not even the early morning shauch.

    As for the venue, I recently learned that WB Universal has opened its Studios for wedding ceremonies. How cool would it be to get married on the sets of Harry Potter? If only they were in India. Although I highly doubt that Warner Bros. got the studios designed keeping a Punjabi wedding in mind.
    But you sure cooked up this post thinking of exactly that. I've never heard of a wedding invite accompanied by jalebis, but this particular 'Dummy's Guide' deserves a whole lot of those deliciously mean, twisted things. :)

    1. T-Bubbly! Hello ji, te sat sri akal! :D

      Damn, bruh! Shaadi at the Universal Studios would be insane. But nothing like a wedding at Tivoli Gardens, kyun? :)

      Yaar, you write the best comments. Little girl being so nice to me all the time :)

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If you had 5 Jalebis, how many would you give me for writing this post?

None = You don't deserve any >:O
@ = Soggy and stale! :(
@@ = Stale! :|
@@@ = I'll need a samosa to digest this with! :P
@@@@ = Sweet and Crisp! :)
@@@@@ = I'm opening you a Halwai Shop! :D