Sushi Ki Paen Di!

I know that the world seems like a small place now and we’re all so called “global citizens” aware of world news, brands and cuisines; but being a pakka Dilli wala, a beauty-queen with the surname Sen is the only thing that comes to my mind when someone says “sushi”. As I had recently been invited to review a restaurant to which I did full justice by writing about everything but the food, my friends thought that it’s about time I was made to try out some international cuisine, so that I don’t embarrass them at an Asian restaurant again, like the time when the server asked if I wanted some green curry and I responded with, “Ah Paalak Paneer, yes!”

So, I happened to be chilling at a praa’s place recently, when it was decided to order some veg sushi. Psyched about how the new food experience would give me something sensible to talk about when people discuss Japanese cuisine, instead of making a stupid joke about the Paan originating in JaPaan, I consented to the idea, feeling cool about how there was a vegetarian version of the dish that made it possible for me to taste it. Our meal arrived in a ribboned little plastic box with eight circular pieces of sushi that looked like close cousins of a fancy Haldiram’s mithai. There was one little transparent box with a hari, pudine ki dahi wali chutney and another which when emptied out on our plate looked like thin shreds of red meat. The packing also had what seemed little recycled bottles of eye drops with soy sauce in them.

The plate was laid nice and pretty and I was convinced that what looked like shreds of meat were actually shreds of vinegared ginger, which kind of made me feel disappointed in them for not sending sirke wale pyaaz. But the real disappointment came when I was told that not even one of the sushi’s had a paneer filling! I mean, I know I don’t know shit about food, but how in frig do you make a vegetarian version of a non-vegetarian dish by not adding any paneer! I thought they would’ve compensated with a soya chaap filling, but nahi! BC, restaurant kholna hai India mein chaahe Indians ki liking ke bare mein kuchh na pata ho! On top of that, what I was mistaking for hari chutney, turned out to be this weird shit called wasabi, which I could not even save for later to have my evening pakodas with.

On reading the description from the menu, I found that the filling was avocados, cucumbers, asparagus and shiitake mushrooms, rolled into sticky rice and sea weed, which if translated to Hindi would be samudri paalak ke patton mein sabse saste wale khichdi ke chaawal aur Amreeka ke lauki-tori daal diye. In just one bite of the goddamned sushi, I realized why you’re supposed to empty the contents of their plastic box on to a plate and have it. So that you can hold the empty box close to your mouth and throw up not just the little morsel of BC-kya-bakwaas-hai-yeh you tried to consume, but also make your intestines reverse engineer and barf the shit at the end of your rectum through your mouth.

I can’t say much about how the avocado or asparagus tasted in the whole concoction. But, I’m sure the avocado tasted something like the guacamole I once had in my burrito, which could’ve been any of the sauces it was dressed with, none of which I really hated. But I’d blame myself for being foolish to have agreed to eat something which gives a heads up about tasting like shit in its name itself. I mean, what the friggin’ hell is your shit-ake mushroom! It’s a simple mushroom that you cook with matar and sauté in matar paneer wali gravy, but shittier looking and even shittier tasting. Also, you know what! It has a double-i in the Shiitake, emphasizing more on how friggin’ shitty it really is!

After going through such a terrible experience, I realized that it gave me some wonderful life lessons, like every other terrible break up experience does.

- I’ve been told how a person’s eating habits reflect in his looks. So, do not ever decide to marry a Japanese woman no matter how pretty she looks. Haldiram ki mithai and all that, my patoots!

- A cute name does not really mean cuteness on the inside. So, I’m glad that you have a girlfriend named Simi. Sorry, I’m not interested.

- If kids in India hate lauki-tori-tinda, then kids in Japan must hate sushi-sushi-sushi. 

- Do not trust these videshi people with what they’re trying to do with our culture. Matlab, aaj ki generation ko poora spoil kar diya hai. Paeri pauna your ma-pyo and eat Dal Makhni. Koi sushi pushi ni khaana.

- Japaniyon di bebey ne onha nu chawl khaan ni sikhaaye! Rice is best eaten as Rajma Chawl, Chhole Chawl and Kadhi Chawl, oye hoye!

- Wah Ji Wah ka Soya Chaap roll kha ke dekh, chicken shikan bhool jaayega!

Image Source: static.takeaway.com