Sunday, June 8, 2014

Candy Crush Saga, F You!

When they warn you about candies giving you cavities, they’re not just talking about gaping holes of decay in your teeth. The brain is equally a victim. The saga of every candy to have ever been crushed between the molars does not end with the picking out of their deformed pieces from between the teeth using nothing but fingernails and then shoving them down the throat again. The candies are back to avenge their brutal murders at the oral guillotines, and how!

Candy Crush Saga has changed my life to such an extent where my parents think that I’m perpetually whacking the weasel in the confines of my bathroom when I’m actually just sitting on my throne, matching pieces of candy to make color bombs instead of making shit bombs and leaving the washroom in a time that does not cause suspicion. Even though it has already become a synonym for facebook and has more number of downloads than actual candies in the Parle factory, here’s a little guide for you on this god of a puzzle game because why should I be the only one to suffer at its addiction. Maro bc saale sab ke sab!

Candy Crush Saga is a little puzzle game which requires you to switch two candies in such a way that three of the same type come together and then explode, giving you a false sense of intelligence because haha, this shit is so easy for me, I have a knack for brain puzzles and shit, so smart, bro! This will also explain why you thought playing Angry Birds requires a natural flair for physics and trigonometry. *pats back*

To start with, the game has six basic types of candies:

The Red Jelly Bean which is shaped like a kidney, an organ used to make urine, nay, peshaab, which is like a chaddi-buddy of tatti, making it pretty much like liquid shit itself. So yeah, in short, it’s shit.

The Orange Lozenge which is basically orange flavored Strepsils that you suck on when you have a terrible throat, which could be a symptom of viral fever, when the antibiotics don’t just make you shit real bad, but make you feel like shit too. So yeah, in short, it’s shit.

The Yellow Lemon Drop which is yellow and shaped like the last droplet you shake off after taking a leak. Now refer to chaddi-buddy reference above. Also, it’s yellow. So yeah, in short, it’s shit.

The Green Gum Square, which is known more popularly as chicklet, which has absolutely no flavor at all. At all! No, wait. It tastes like shit. So yeah, in short, it’s shit.

The Blue Lollipop Head, which is sure to make you look like a shithead if you lick a lollipop in your twenties or beyond. Just so you know, a man is defined by what he eats. So if you think this blue round thing is edible, it would mean that you’re shit too, because you think it can be eaten. Might as well believe that it’s inedible and shit. So yeah, in short, it’s shit.

The Purple Jujube Cluster. WTF is this shit! So yeah, in short, it’s shit.

Now, there are also some special candies in the game, which have superpowers! Oooh! But you don’t get them on a platter. You have to earn them by playing smartly, putting your Forrest Gump of a brain to best use. Here’s explaining what these special candies do and how to get them.

The Striped Candy: Whenever you switch candies in such a way that it makes a straight line of four candies, it gives you one striped candy and removes the other three candies from that line. Now this is no ordinary candy! It has white stripes and its superpower is that it reminds you of the stupid striped candies Alpenliebe had brought to the market. We all know that if a candy brand can only afford to bring in Kajol to be its brand ambassador, it’s not really making a lot of profits. Also, Alpenliebe was shit. Even though the striped Alpenliebes (esp. the strawberry flavor) were not bad tasting at all, but here, urge to mock is much greater than urge to make any logical sense, so yeah, shit!

The Wrapped Candy: If you form a T or L shape with candies of the same color, the candy at the intersection turns into a candy in a wrapper, which makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever because we know how once you take a candy out of its wrapper, you can’t put it back in the same way. It doesn’t even work with candy wrappers that have twisty sides. What kind of crap does this game want us to believe in! Anyway, in case you hadn’t figured it by now, the T and the L stand for Tatti and Latrine, respectively.

The Color Bomb: When you make a straight line of five candies of the same type, the one in the middle becomes a color bomb. Now, whichever color you try to swap it with, it destroys every candy of that color. How frikkin’ racist and genocidal is that! It’s disturbing how it doesn’t realize that all races are the same. You can’t tell an African guy’s shit from an Asian dude’s shit from a Caucasian person’s shit because all shits look the same. It must be buried in shit for it to learn the lesson that every person may be different on the outside, but is just the same as every other person in the deep burrows of the intestines. Shit!

As we’ve already established that the core of this game is crap, let’s move on to the other things that make this game so wonderfully addictive.

This beautiful game has various levels, all having such descriptive names like “Lemonade Lake” which urges me to make another susu joke; “Salty Canyon”, which is basically an Indian buttcrack in the summers; and “Licorice Tower”, which um.. let it be. It will challenge you to do things like clearing all the jelly and bringing down the ingredients, which you will keep at for frikkin’ weeks and not be able to. And on a random day, if you happen to tell a friend about being stuck on a level for weeks, the said friend will borrow your phone for a minute and clear the level in two attempts, making you feel like shit about yourself. Also, it will put you in the dilemma of whether you should move on with the next level or reattempt the crazy level because you want to clear each level all by yourself. Misery! So much misery!

The look of the game is pink and rainbowy, and it looks beautiful in your hands when you play it in the Metro, almost falling into the ladies compartment, which is so symbolic, but anyway! Unicorn farts and Pixie poop in your eyes, yay!

Within fifteen minutes of playing the game you will realize that you’re out of lives and if you wish to play further, you will either have to wait for a period as long as it takes for a season of Game of Thrones to get over or you may purchase a life for Rs. 55, which is basically so shit an idea that it is clear from the fact that $0.99 does not convert to Rs. 55. Now, instead of waiting and thinking about how this game has changed you into a person who remains furious at things like jelly, corners and chocolates, you miss the fake Amitabh Bacchan of a voice that encourages you to play on with words like “Tasty!”, “Wonderful!”, “Delicious!” despite making so many innuendos and poop references. So you find another solution, which is sending some Candy Crush Saga requests to a few friends on facebook, making them realize that the reason why your significant other broke up with you is because you have some really crazy unresolved issues in life, your priorities are messed up and you are so addicted to this shit of an addicting game developed by King McShitworth that everyone else on your facebook friend list now has to feel like they’re passive Candy Crushers like passive smokers or some shit like that, and if you send me one more Candy Crush Saga request, I shit you not, I will write a post on how much I frikkin’ hate your shit existence for the blog’s audience of three people to read, you frikkin’ Candy Crusher!!

So yeah, in short, it’s shit.

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  1. I don't play candy crush.
    Amazingly, the write up almost convinced me to never even think of doing that.
    But the last line was the one which did the thing. Now I am sure I am not playing it.

  2. I had never tried my hands on this shitty game, fortunately, nor had I planned to. But like everyone else, I am plagued by the frequent, "Blah Blah has invited you to play Candy Crush Saga" notifications. Although I'm sure this is just a phase, a lot like the Farmville phase (that one I did play).

    But, thanks to you, now I know exactly what this game is all about (shit). Witty and hilarious insults, as ever, Sarthak! Reading this made me realise that we can associate almost every edible thing (including jalebis :p) with shit. It didn't exactly help my appetite, but it's done an awesome job of tickling my ribs. Just what I needed to bust the stress! Thanks! :D
    Here's some delicious, twisty, orange shit for you:

    1. Hahaha. The last line! Thanks for all the shit :')

  3. You have more than three followers on this blog, trust me :)

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If you had 5 Jalebis, how many would you give me for writing this post?

None = You don't deserve any >:O
@ = Soggy and stale! :(
@@ = Stale! :|
@@@ = I'll need a samosa to digest this with! :P
@@@@ = Sweet and Crisp! :)
@@@@@ = I'm opening you a Halwai Shop! :D