Monday, August 18, 2014

Issey Kehte Hain Hip-ocrisy!

Dear Yo Yo Honey Singh,

If only your mental faculties were underdeveloped enough to not understand that a rhetorical question kind of loses its essence if you follow it up with a ridiculous answer, would I have let this pass. But you just came up on my television screen wearing a weed-print kurta hanging from under your sweater/t-shirt/hip-hop and there’s only so much I can stand!

If I were to do a line by line translation of your definition for hip-hop, someone might put it up on the Wikipedia page for the hyphenated term, and I fear that. Or, so you wish! But, it would’ve made a little sense to do your research on the topic before making an educational video on the subject, where you wear little teddy bear shoes and then try to have them make out with each other in the name of hip-hop. No?

I’ll try to break down your words for you here and let you judge if they make any sense in the context. I’m letting you use your better judgment here! It’s surprising that I am expecting so much from you when all you care to give me is some shakkar-paare if you win a Grammy, but the joke’s on you.

It’s amazing how you started as a music director and made friends with bade bade “ector”. I mean, it’s unbelievably impressive how someone can make friends in one’s own industry of work! Like, being a CA, I am hardly friends with any accountants or finance guys. I wonder how hard I would have to work to be able to make connections with some tax consultants. Many congratulations on your feat! You are the X-“fector” of superhit picturein, and the heera in the koyle ki khaan. I’m in all agreement about you being the middle class boy turned superstar, but the thing that you call “charter” is actually an out-of-place tractor. Also, you could wish all you want for a charter, but I get to be the Chartered Accountant here. You see what I did there? Some people call it a PJ; in your words: hip-hop.

I wish your song was more aptly named “Issey Kehte Hain Hip-ocrisy”, because clearly you don’t give a damn about kudiyan shudiyan; and all the brown rang, blue eyes, bebo diyan gallan and high heels can take a walk. Also, at times I wonder how much it would cost to get a white “ginni” among a thousand other things. A million dollars? How would you know, but; you clearly don’t give a damn.

Now, because we’re having this conversation, I want clarity on some matters that we, your fans, don’t completely understand. Like, I can’t really tell if that little Golu in the video is a representation of you at the age of what, negative five? But, if the pehle gaana that you heard was Ass Like That, I send my heartfelt condolences. Also because most of us are so uneducated, I think it would have been a better idea to have spelt out the full form of DNA in the song. People are confusing it with I don’t know what, when all you really want to tell them is that hip-hop ki samajh aapki Delusional Narcissistic Ass mein thi.

There’s one thing that I’m really happy about though. You finally thought of writing a song for little pre-schoolers! You’re not just encouraging them to think of a world without chocolate and suggesting that Bournvita is good for increasing doodh ki shakti, but also pointing at various things and calling out their names to help little babies learn what they’re called. Aww! I’ll give you a firm thumbs up (your back) for your intention, but here come some corrections. So, those tight black pants with golden zippers that you love to hold at the crotch and call hip-hop are actually called Zara pants. I’ll admit, my lady friends gave me that piece of information, but never mind. The tokra that you point to is called “mangalvaar ka parshaad”; the dance step in the end is called “bhangra”; the closing your thighs together and going down is not a hip-hop step but “susu ka rokna”; and my butt cheeks are called Yo and Yo, respectively. Now call out your name once more.

A big fan,

Yo! Yo!

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Raksha Bandhan Tips

#1: Kaju Barfi > Cadbury Celebrations

#2: If your sister ever got you a Livestrong band as a Rakhi knowing how lame it was but it made you super happy because you were in your wannabe phase in 2006, your sister's the best, bro.

#3: Protecting your sister starts with taking her Rakhi shopping a night before Raksha Bandhan and also suggesting which Rakhi you'd like on your wrist. Win-Win!

#4: Know that all the cousins who tie you Rakhi's are not cousins; they're sisters.

#5: It's the day when you meet both the papa ki side and the mummy ki side of the family. Kurta Pyjama up!

#6: Make your plans about the time at which you're supposed to go to nani house and let the paternal relatives know a day in advance. There's a chance the mummy will go on cribbing incessantly about delaying her program from as soon as they leave till Rakhi next year. It's a loop, bro.

#7: If you're supposed to send a Rakhi overseas, 15 days in advance is a safe time to put it in courier.

#8: Don't forget to keep a hanky in your pocket on Rakhi Day. You might want to rub off the tika after a while. Also, who calls it a tilak in Delhi?

#9: Buy a small gift for your sister to show that you made the effort to get something and give her some good cash. She'll love to spend it the way she likes. Trust me, it's really tough to shop for girls. Really tough, bro!

#10: Rakhi earning > 368843135799 x Kanjak earning

#11: As two sisters, you can tie each other Rakhi's and feel like it's a legit thing. It's really cute. Sachi!

#12: Be a man and let that crush tie you a Rakhi if she wants to. With small Rakhi's come great responsibilities. It's the need of our nation.

#13: Aaloo Poori for breakfast. Chhole Chawal for lunch. Woohoo!

#14: As brothers, we wouldn't mind getting some gifts either. It's not mandatory and we don't expect them, but it'll be a cool surprise.

#15: It's advisable that you buy a Rakhi of cotton threads. The silken ones keep opening again and again. Or in case you want us to keep coming to you to tie it repeatedly, it's a separate thing.

#16: Don't be afraid of the Bhaizone. Sisters have friends!

#17: There's no such thing as chhota sa piece of the mithai. Eat the whole damn thing.

#18: Cartoon Rakhi's should stop when your brother crosses the age of 13. Except if his name is Sarthak Ahuja. Spongebob Squarepants Rakhi in 2014, woohoo!

#19: Sit on the carpet during the Rakhi ceremony. Rakhi tying while sitting on the couch is so videshi, bro!

#20: Sisters keep a box for earrings. Brothers, keep one for Rakhi's.

#21: Seen Salman Khan's silver bracelet with a blue stone? It's a collective Rakhi from every sensible woman on the planet. There's a reason people call him Bhai!