Issey Kehte Hain Hip-ocrisy!

Dear Yo Yo Honey Singh,

If only your mental faculties were underdeveloped enough to not understand that a rhetorical question kind of loses its essence if you follow it up with a ridiculous answer, would I have let this pass. But you just came up on my television screen wearing a weed-print kurta hanging from under your sweater/t-shirt/hip-hop and there’s only so much I can stand!

If I were to do a line by line translation of your definition for hip-hop, someone might put it up on the Wikipedia page for the hyphenated term, and I fear that. Or, so you wish! But, it would’ve made a little sense to do your research on the topic before making an educational video on the subject, where you wear little teddy bear shoes and then try to have them make out with each other in the name of hip-hop. No?

I’ll try to break down your words for you here and let you judge if they make any sense in the context. I’m letting you use your better judgment here! It’s surprising that I am expecting so much from you when all you care to give me is some shakkar-paare if you win a Grammy, but the joke’s on you.

It’s amazing how you started as a music director and made friends with bade bade “ector”. I mean, it’s unbelievably impressive how someone can make friends in one’s own industry of work! Like, being a CA, I am hardly friends with any accountants or finance guys. I wonder how hard I would have to work to be able to make connections with some tax consultants. Many congratulations on your feat! You are the X-“fector” of superhit picturein, and the heera in the koyle ki khaan. I’m in all agreement about you being the middle class boy turned superstar, but the thing that you call “charter” is actually an out-of-place tractor. Also, you could wish all you want for a charter, but I get to be the Chartered Accountant here. You see what I did there? Some people call it a PJ; in your words: hip-hop.

I wish your song was more aptly named “Issey Kehte Hain Hip-ocrisy”, because clearly you don’t give a damn about kudiyan shudiyan; and all the brown rang, blue eyes, bebo diyan gallan and high heels can take a walk. Also, at times I wonder how much it would cost to get a white “ginni” among a thousand other things. A million dollars? How would you know, but; you clearly don’t give a damn.

Now, because we’re having this conversation, I want clarity on some matters that we, your fans, don’t completely understand. Like, I can’t really tell if that little Golu in the video is a representation of you at the age of what, negative five? But, if the pehle gaana that you heard was Ass Like That, I send my heartfelt condolences. Also because most of us are so uneducated, I think it would have been a better idea to have spelt out the full form of DNA in the song. People are confusing it with I don’t know what, when all you really want to tell them is that hip-hop ki samajh aapki Delusional Narcissistic Ass mein thi.

There’s one thing that I’m really happy about though. You finally thought of writing a song for little pre-schoolers! You’re not just encouraging them to think of a world without chocolate and suggesting that Bournvita is good for increasing doodh ki shakti, but also pointing at various things and calling out their names to help little babies learn what they’re called. Aww! I’ll give you a firm thumbs up (your back) for your intention, but here come some corrections. So, those tight black pants with golden zippers that you love to hold at the crotch and call hip-hop are actually called Zara pants. I’ll admit, my lady friends gave me that piece of information, but never mind. The tokra that you point to is called “mangalvaar ka parshaad”; the dance step in the end is called “bhangra”; the closing your thighs together and going down is not a hip-hop step but “susu ka rokna”; and my butt cheeks are called Yo and Yo, respectively. Now call out your name once more.

A big fan,

Yo! Yo!