Kudi Namkeen!

If a famous Bollywood song is to be believed, the samundar wields the power to turn women into namkeen. I’d prefer mine to go take a dip and come out as Aaloo Bhujia. Except, I don’t really know how visually appealing she would look draped in a packet of Haldiram’s. However, in this age, when such a radical shift is being made from desi namkeen to American food snacks, I believe it’s the perfect time for some namkeen emancipation. Trust Ekta Kapoor to buy this idea for a few krores. More so because the namkeen is a woman calling out for attention from the society, and as we’ve already seen, the best medium to spread her message is through a daily soap. The biscuits are the unimportant male characters with names like Monaco and Bourbon. Except for Marie; that one is just transgender.

Aaloo Bhujia

The Aaloo Bhujia (AB) is like the peppy didi in her early twenties who is just about to get married. But don’t let the word “peppy” confuse you with an image of Preity Zinta. Think more on the lines of a new face trying to pull a Kareena Kapoor from Jab We Met. She’s the one who does not shut up about her love for gol gappe and wishes to play pitthu with the colony ke bache. Her backless choli and long Sardarni hair are to die for. She’s a favorite with the kids, to whom she brings a taste close to that of Lay’s Masala Magic, but is still thoroughly Indian. Dare you call her an aunty, heartburn de degi, heartburn.

Bikaneri Bhujia

The older, more mature, and spicy like you cannot handle that shite – the Bikaneri Bhujia (BB) is the saree clad boss of cougar town. The Bhabhi of the house that AB will be marrying into; the BB will be your bet for the character who turns out to be the vamp some day, except, she won’t. She’s like the female version of Ronit Roy from Kasautii Zindagii Kay. You know this is the closest Indian telly can get to Meryl Streep in a saree with a sleeveless blouse.

Have you also seen those fat brown globules of shit in the Bikaneri Bhujia packet? That is Ram Kapoor inside of her, refusing to pull out!

Khatta Meetha

The Sakshi Tanwar of Namkeenville, she doesn’t give you as much acidity as the others. You think the kids will love her, but there is just so much mamta right there that teens growing up on American Pie and the like just don’t get going with that taste. You can expect her to go all: “Aww, mere raja beta ko dudhu chahiye”, when the son screams for MILF (Munchies I Label as Food).

There’s a mole on her upper lip to help her live up to the khatta image but everything in the namkeen is so boring, complete with peanuts and sabudana puffs that you just want to distribute it as parshaad and convince people that it’s so nice ke isse vrat mein kha sakte hain.

Moong Dal

The Baa of Kahaani Haldiram Ki, this namkeen is so bland that it just goes into this endless loop of nobody-wanting-to-have-it and it-does-not-frikkin-end-it’s-still-staring-me-in-the-face. It’s there, offering nutrition related sanskaar in the form of salted daal without any unhealthy masala, but sher ke munh ek baar bhujia lag jaaye toh phir kya kar sakte hain. You put a rubber-band on it and keep it aside, but no one is ready to do the dirty work of finishing it.

Navratan Mix

You know this shit will make your vocal chords burst because of all the spices it hits you with. And then it’s like you just stepped into Rajasthan, and Ila Arun jumped in front of you, refusing to leave till you let her woo you with “Dilli Sheher Mein Maaro”. With a name like Navratan, it promises you some nine different types of ingredients mixed in one, but one fistful down your throat and you recognize it to be Dadi-Sa or the like from Balika Vadhu: paise (read: ingredients) toh aa gaye but class nahi aayi.

Nut Cracker

The Goddamn Vamp! Oh this thing is so damn sensuous, it’s like your nuts are on crack. She tempts you into falling for her and indulge in some adultery. You want her with the whisky, and her body on your rocks. With the curvy texture et al, she is the mistress of spices. You know it’ll be extremely painful later, and a moment of pleasure is not worth the consequences. But, you learn it the hard way. A hangover, a glass of Eno and some spicy moments down the dark alley are enough to remind you of your Moong Dal (read: nani).

Badam Lachha & the Others

The Badam Lachha is the Bollywood cameo that comes every Diwali and makes your day extra special. The Boondi is like the Ramu Kaka; present everywhere, yet hasn’t been honored with the status of a namkeen. And what, you ask, is the person who just wrote such a zabardasti ka blog post? It’s the namkeen you get when you misspell Bhujia to start with a C and end with a T-I-A.

Image Source: blendwithspices.com