Saturday, October 25, 2014

Open Letter to Shah Rukh Khan

Dear Shah Rukh,

I always thought that if I ever find the opportunity to speak with you, I would tell you how proud I feel to have studied at St. Columba’s School. The school has been one of the prime institutions of the country for generations, but regardless of all its qualities, the fact that you went to school at Columba’s has made me feel just a little bit more special about calling it my alma mater. Similarly, I feel proud to be a resident of the colony you grew up in, to be sharing the same sunsign with you, and to have had a prolonged fascination with girls from Modern School.

With such devout fangirling and unwavering faith on my part, complete with getting myself a “COOL” locket from Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, I think it’s about time you realize your responsibilities and stop making me look like such a fool.

I’ve always maintained that you’re one of the wittiest actors in India, with immense class and an unmatchable persona. You’ve delivered some brilliant performances earlier in Chak De, Swades, and uncritically all over Karan Johar’s fluff bazaar. You’ve been funny and charming, almost emitting some divine light from your dimples every time you tilt your head and do that thing with your eyes, like magically pouring Roohafza into a glass of milk only with your gaze. But if you pick up that glass of milk and throw it at my face like you’ve been consistently so in Ra.One, Chennai Express and now HNY, expecting me to like it, I’m sorry but I’m not trying to spend a suhaag raat with you. Today, I find myself to be in complete agreement with the review of your latest movie given by none other than a gentleman whose idea of wit is “good night and kiss to pillow and kick on ass of mosquito”. I think I deserve better than that.

For years I have judged fans of Salman Khan, picturing them being chin-slapped as you raise your arms in slow-mo; imagining them being shot by a machine gun whenever you go all hiccup-laughter. I’ve appreciated Aamir for his perfectionist spirit, but still held strong that your personality trumps his even on your worst days. But today, you’ve failed me in my attempt to look all pretentious, proclaiming how all rickshaw pullers love Salman Khan whereas you are the beloved of a more sophisticated audience. Your behavior now resembles that of a baboon who has climbed too high a tree to take a dump, and then lives in a false belief that the lowly denizens of the jungle will worship his droppings like a divine fruit from the heavens, with nutritional content of lauki or some such.

Yes, your movies are still making money, and I’m glad that you’re the second richest actor in the world. But does it please you to know that whenever people are asked to speak of your best works, they all take names, none of which belong to a recent time? If it’s all cool with you, I don’t see any reason why I should complain. Maybe, we’ve just developed into people with different tastes and I’m the one who doesn’t understand your idea of entertainment. Maybe, every time that you raise your arms in the air, I wrongly interpret it as a gesticulated depiction of your steadily increasing lameness. Maybe, I’m just jealous that my facebook home feed is full of status updates from girls who I’ve been crushing on for years, stating how they know that your movie is going to be idiotic, but Shahrukh love *starry eyes, hand-hearts and SRK nipples*. Maybe, I’ve been a faux-fan, whose love for you hasn’t been as unconditional as that of many others. Or maybe, I’m just really jealous of your hair. Maybe! But if getting an eight pack does that to people, I think I know why I won’t be working towards an abdomen like that any time soon. I just love my pack of chips too much. It's the Farah Khan to my Shah Rukh of a tidh. Unhealthy, yes, but who cares as long as I'm ready to spend money on a bag of air.


Image Source: yetket.com

18 comments:

  1. Absolutely, SRK as an artist and as one of the finest actors of the country, has to be more careful of his choices.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha. By the way, well done! Imma open you a halwai shop!

      Delete
  2. Yet again, you have outdone yourself. What I really liked about this post is how each and every Shah Rukh fan would relate to it. It DOES get really irritating to defend him in front of Salman fans, when they poke fun at his recent outings. I mean, whatever happened to the SRK who did amazing movies such as My Name Is Khan ? Gone are the days when SRK fans had their chests swollen with pride whenever he sang the Chak De India title track with the feel. I really do hope somehow he sees this post, and realizes that to remain the Baadshah, you need to ACT like one.

    Such emotional bahaav you bring in me, Sarthak, with your amazing posts. Have your jalebis @@@@@@@@
    Sugar free waale hain, we don't want our stud going the Vidya Balan way xP









    P.S : You really should be jealous of his hair, what with you being on the cusp of bhaiya and uncle xD

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, sir, for the prem. I'm glad the Shah Rukh fans aren't going all, "Aey, bhai ke baare mein aisa kyun bola!"

      P.S. So jealous! All the time!

      Delete
  3. Okay. Too much going through my head for me to string together coherent sentences.

    Okay. Okay.

    First of all, I should tell you that I am NOT an ardent Shah Rukh fan. And no, that does NOT mean I'm in Team Sallu.

    Let's start.
    1. You used the word 'fangirling'. You are awesome. :D
    2. '...like magically pouring Roohafza into a glass of milk only with your gaze.'
    When I imagined this, I got creeped out. Just saying.
    3. 'a gentleman whose idea of wit is “good night and kiss to pillow and kick on ass of mosquito”.' Sorry for being ignorant, but WHO IS THIS ABOMINATION FOR A GENTLEMAN? :O
    4. SRK nipples? NO. Just... NO.
    5. You have written this with so much emotion and disappointment that I genuinely feel bad for you. You have expressed your feelings hilariously, but after reading this I feel sad.
    6. If it makes you feel any better, my opinion is that SRK has a lot of pressure to maintain his 'Badshah' image and that's inversely affecting his professional decisions.
    Actually, I'm not sure why I thought this might make you feel better.

    Maybe these will help. Comfort food is always good. :P
    Jalebis: @@@@@@@@@@

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1. I am totally a fangirl of all things nice. Like Modern Family and The Office and Tom Hanks and Chitrangdha Singh. Ooooh! *_* More like a FanMan for the last one though.
      2. Best creepy magic trick ever! "Roohafzalio Pouriotta"
      3. I added a link to the word "review". Check it out for yourself.
      4. They're all cute and supple, ok!
      5. *consoles you* There, there!
      6. My friend Rahat had the same thing to say. There could be some truth in it.

      Thank you :)

      Delete
    2. Tom Hank! Captain Phillips? Sleepless in Seattle? *high-five*

      Delete
  4. Oh my god!! I feel the same for every word of this! I worry at times that you can get into my head :-). I am completely an SRK camp chipmunk and do endorse his views in every debate but for sure his recent outgoings have left me short of words. Tired, all I do is duck dowm in sorrow as my friends bombard anti-sharukh words. So badly wish he sees this and heals our aching hearts.
    And what do I say!? Your writing always is so articulate and crisp. Every post a fun filled one. SRK u do make me melancholy but this post right over here has got me all dimpling!
    Am too short of jalebis, no amount can match your joyous writing ...plus I ate too many this Diwali :-p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Richa.

      P.S. I just realized that your name sounds like Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Richa Das, Poora Das :D

      Delete
    2. Buwahahahah!!! :-D noone ever made my name this funny! However I do see that my name has too many contradictions...one half makes me rich and the other half tags me as "Das" , poor me!! ;-):-D

      Delete
  5. I'm a die hard Shahrukh fan but in the end all I can say *wiping the tears off my face*
    I feel you bro

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    Replies
    1. I know, man. Jaane kahan gaye woh din feelzzz.

      Delete
  6. hahaha....I ve been having a hard time debating over why SRK is still the best! This is my tragic SRK Love dilemma expressed in absolutely excellent words!

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    Replies
    1. Hi, Manu.
      Yay, Manu.
      Thanks, Manu.
      Bye, Manu.

      Delete
  7. Feel every word of this. Heart ache trying my best to defend HNY in front of some dumb girls who watch saas bahu serials and discuss Big Boss. They have no qualms in admitting what I would rather jump from the top most floor than admit. SRK isn't as good as he used to be. Even his joked aren't that funny as they used to be. Aaaaaaaa.... Come back SRK!

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  8. Well this year been great for him. Just saw the movie of sharuk khan named dear zindage and it was awesome.

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  9. Hey all,
    Guys relax...It's all about time as people say....SRK is good in all ways..Just that he is a bit lost with his work after so much of struggle to success journey.
    Not sure of this but just assuming..Just give him some time n less of stress...He deserves to rest himself coz no one will deny this fact.that his struggle was a long journey where he had been hit down on but still stood up to rock n roll again..As an actor n with so much responsibilities to look after he is somewhat busy and he has all rights to stay busy too...He is also a human at d end and has somethn called personal life..So much of expectations frm u if I keep..Will it be good..U knw him coz u his fan nt for him writer u r totally a stranger..He doesn't knw on what basis u have judged him..Ya his movies didn't go well..But it's just luck bro...He still works hard but it's us..We keep on expectn better better n better..Just let it be..If he feels like creatn more for us he will surely do..It's nt his fault if the story is not worth playn o. Screen..It's d directors fault for choosing such a waste low grade story..SRK is a hero..All he does is moves as per d directors will..So grow up guys..Stop blaming people...It's his luck he chooses such sucked up movies to act on but might be he did it coz he found some meaning..Evryone thinks different ly..One is happy with orange ice.cream but other might end up taking scoops of chocolate butterscotch Kesar pista..😍

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If you had 5 Jalebis, how many would you give me for writing this post?

None = You don't deserve any >:O
@ = Soggy and stale! :(
@@ = Stale! :|
@@@ = I'll need a samosa to digest this with! :P
@@@@ = Sweet and Crisp! :)
@@@@@ = I'm opening you a Halwai Shop! :D