Monday, October 13, 2014

Tattoo With A Double-E

I know tattoos have probably been around since the time everyone from my grandparents’ generation decided to get an Om symbol etched at the back of their hands, but times have changed. If I so severely judge my printer every time that it begs to get itself inked, that high maintenance son of a Canon, I see no reason why I wouldn’t judge someone who shares the same interests as my inkjet despite not being an accessory to my internet-running-machine. My facebook feed is infested with pictures of flabby arms with a red swelling that would’ve been better if given by a hundred mosquitoes, but sadly, almost always, a tattoo machine and a brain that fails to see the future are to blame.

I would probably stay shut if the little body art has got something to do with your mom, but if your best defense will be that you got her name written in Chinese, some Yo Momma shit is got to get real. So, here’s a list of tattoos and what my brain thinks they say. ‘Cuz my brain is like Shakira’s hips. *Hi5* if you can make the inference, and if you can’t, congratulations for featuring on this list.

The Dragon Wagon

I know you love Honey Chilli Potatoes and Gobhi Manchurian, but asking your tattoo artist to copy the design from Berco’s menu card on to your bicep will only end up making you look as Chinese as the bees rupaye wali diwali lights. There are certain things you need to consider before you get that dragon on your body. Like, if the Singapuri noodles you have at the fast food van are actually called “Chomin”, or if looking up Hentai on Google Images will throw some pictures of hens wearing neck-ties, or if the only reason to travel to Thailand is Bangkok massage, and a realization that “abey, yeh lady-boy toh apni Katrina se bhi zyada sundar hai.” If the answer to any of those questions is yes, you don’t need a dragon tattoo, praa! You already think you have a dragon locked in your skin fit jeans, no?

My Name is… *Chica Chica*

If I could explain Maslow’s Need Hierarchy to you, the world would’ve been a better place. But we’ll do with a Thick-Brained Hierarchy till then, and it goes: For every person with an IQ defined by a fraction with the denominator zero, there is a need to remind himself of his existence on the scientific chart for nomenclature of living species. A constant urge to know that you belong to the class “homo sapiens” aka humans is not extinguished till you get an indelible mark on your body that screams out your name, staring at you as a permanent reminder of your inconsequential existence defined by the number of selfies taken in Maurya ka bathroom with the hashtags #selfie #maurya #loo #justafterpee #nohandwash #badboy. To cut it straight, you get your name tattooed on your arm and wear Being Human. You’re like the god of cool. All hail Salman bhai.

P.S. I meant Rushdie, but never mind.

The Floral Butterfly and the Tribal Ribald

I’m a big fan of the flowers and the butterflies. They speak originality like they are Made in China products. Where did you get your tat? On your ankle or the lower back? Or your shoulder so that it shows when you wear a tank top? It’s lovely how you think you got it because you resonate with the butterfly, which symbolizes freedom from the pupa but is still answerable to the pyo-pa every Saturday night with a: “papa, friend ke ghar pe padh rahi hoon” while dancing to Honey Singh with the Jaanu.

I also love how your Jaanu has that tribal thing on his shoulder. It totally goes with your nature inspired design. Why don’t both of you run to the forest where you belong? Here, take some aashirwad while you go. Scoot!

The One Word Deep Metaphor Something

Wow, you’ve got some deep shit printed on your skin, yo! Your wrist says “Breathe”. That’s a good reminder to self if you’re Hazel Grace or Baba Ramdev. Same difference if you don’t know who the first is! I also notice your brethren with words like “Success”, “Courage”, “Forgive” and “Forget”. What are you noble sire? Seven characters from Deepak Chopra’s tweet or a motivational poster bought off Janpath with a bad illustration that is your face?

The Henna Tattoo, FTW!

Now this is one tattoo I’d recommend you to get if you haven’t already. Why don’t you get the one in which they make a checkered section on your palm and full solid orange colored blocks at the top of your fingers with one diagonal trail of flowers running down your index finger at the back of your hand? That’ll add one more person on my friend list to make me feel weird about people getting married already. But, I don’t mind! Anything as long as I get an invite and your shaadi has some good Chinese in the name of honey chilli potatoes.

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  1. @@@
    I don't enjoy reading your blog as much I did earlier.
    All the best for the next one.

    1. I know, bruh! This blog has become the sux.
      Thank you :)

  2. 1/2 a Jalebi because i was forced to spit the other half out.

    1. "a" This is how you make half a Jalebi. I must add this to the rating remarks because that's all the writing has deserved mostly.

  3. I've wanted a tattoo for years, now. I just can't bring myself to ask my parents. :P
    But when I do get one -and I hope that's soon - one thing's for sure: it won't be something cliched. (Probably something fandom related... )

    I've seen every single one of these on someone or the other. Especially the butterfly and the dragon ones!
    But I hate Hena tattoos. Ugh. Spare me the overwhelming smell, please.
    And don't even get me started on the deep-metaphor-spewing machine that Hazel Grace Lancaster is. Okay? -.-'

    Basically, this is one hell of a post! :D
    Have your well-deserved jalebis.

    1. You must wait. You'll get over the fandom phase too!
      P.S. You're my ONLY reader now :D

    2. gently bloweth the breezeOctober 16, 2014 at 12:13 PM

      Hey hey HEY! :|

    3. Yeah, yeah, I know. I AM waiting. I'm going to wait long enough so that people can no more tell me that I should just wait.
      P.S.: I am SO not.

  4. I apologize for my comments earlier. After putting a lot of thought into it, i think what you meant made sense. I would eat the half Jalebi which i spit out and have three more. @@@@

  5. okay so i was gonna get a "i believe in me" tattoo once i turn 18, but looks like you've changed me mind now! :P
    anyway, amazingly written! funny as always! :)


If you had 5 Jalebis, how many would you give me for writing this post?

None = You don't deserve any >:O
@ = Soggy and stale! :(
@@ = Stale! :|
@@@ = I'll need a samosa to digest this with! :P
@@@@ = Sweet and Crisp! :)
@@@@@ = I'm opening you a Halwai Shop! :D