Saturday, November 1, 2014

An Honest Summary of Half Girlfriend

If Chetan Bhagat’s contribution towards making Indians read has to be depicted graphically, the graph will take the shape of a bell curve. I mean, yeah, he got a huge population hooked on to some easy literature, but if he’s going to continue writing Bollywood screenplays in guise of books, you might just think of saving some effort and skipping the 250 odd pages of text to go for the big picture stuff directly. And for the few who wouldn't care for the movie either, here’s presenting an honest summary of his latest: Half-Girlfriend.


Half Girlfriend is very cleverly marketed as a story of Madhav, a Hindi speaking Bihari who falls in love with Riya, an elite Delhi girl at the prestigious St. Stephen’s College. It deceives you into believing that the story would revolve around the travails of a person who cannot speak English. However, it is a story about being horny for someone way above your league and then giving it the name of true love. Considering the number of guys who jerk off to images of Deepika Padukone every day, the plot seems relatable. Only if it were as easy as whacking the weasel.


The leading pair makes it to the esteemed college through the sports quota. It’s a fact that need not have been so explicitly mentioned in this Dummy’s Guide to Indian Stereotypes. Because, how do I put it mildly? They’re both dumb as fuck. The two bond over basketball and soon enough, the Bihari suggests games involving her basket and his balls. Riya, who isn't up for such shenanigans, forces on him an arrangement of half-girlfriendship, which is understood to be a relation more than friendship but excludes the physical-whisical. (Super shit deal, I tell you.)

The Bihari male hormones soon get the better of Madhav, who professes his love with a: “Deti hai toh de, warna kat le.” Riya chooses the latter and kattofies, telling Madhav to never contact her again. Months pass before the Bihari boy can gather the courage to speak with her again, and when he does, Riya hands him her shaadi ka card complete with chocolates and stuff.

Heartbroken, our man throws away the card and cries his eyes out while pocketing the chocolates. Why? Because free food trumps true love, that’s why.


With Riya married off to a hotel-mogul in London, Madhav realizes that there isn't much to look forward to in Delhi. He therefore decides to go back to his village Dumraon to help his mother in running her rural school. But before he leaves, he sits for placements for HSBC and makes the panel realize that the interviewers themselves are facing a mid-life crisis and need to STFU. They offer him a job because all it requires to land a job is to go all mean girl. (I don't know what a casting couch is, but a casting grouch is this one. Totally!)

Madhav declines the job offer and leaves for Bihar because it makes a good scene for a Bollywood movie- idealistic and shit. Except, not really.


Madhav, or Mr. Jha, as we will now call him, starts helping his mother at her school, where they need funds to build toilets. As the government officials are unable to help in any way, the next obvious step is to wait for Bill Gates to visit their school and give them some money. Who thought about making some moolah by getting a job at HSBC instead? No one, because we’ll get the founder of Microsoft to build our toilets, FTW!


As luck would have it, Bill Gates decides to visit Bihar with his team from the Gates Foundation. To get Bill to pay their bills, Mr. Jha has to organize a little song and dance performance for the delegation and deliver a speech in English. (And this is when you realize why he being poor at English is the central theme of the story. And this is also when you fail to understand what he was doing at St. Stephen’s for three years. Oh wait, he was trying to get into some girl pants.) #Prioritiezzzz

Jha-Man soon enrolls himself for some English classes at Patna, the city where he also runs into Riya. ZOMG, how did this happen again! Totally did not see it coming! (Totally, did.) Riya is now a divorcee and is working with Nestle. Madhav, with renewed hope of love, now helps her with setting up her little apartment, and in return, our lady helps him with his speech, telling him to read Chetan Bhagat to improve his English #LOLZZZZZZ

Very close to the day of the big speech, Madhav takes Riya home to his mother, who gives our pretty lady the stares. The newly-in-love do some jumma chumma de de on the terrace, after which Mr. Jha delivers his speech and gets a lot of money from Mr. Bill Gates.

Immediately after the grand event, Riya memsa'ab goes missing. When Jha sa'ab goes around looking for his lady love, he receives a letter from Riya in which she tells him about her terminal lung cancer and how she has decided to go underground and die alone because she doesn't want him to take care of her in her last days. More like: enough of your nonsense, gavaar. Except, the letter ends with an “I love you”. (Girls, I tell you.)


Jha-Boy looks for Riya-Babe all over Dilli-Bihar, but to no avail.

Three years later, Riya’s landlord from Patna finds some of her journals from the apartment and hands them over to Madhav Babu, who thinks it will be torturous for him to go through them because her painful memories will come rushing back. So, what must he do with the journals? Keep them safe in the attic? Throw them away? Burn them? Hell, no! Take them to Chetan Bhagat, he says.

(At this point, you’re all like: Dude, this makes absolutely no sense! I mean, what has C-Bag got to do with this?)

Apparently, Mr. Bhagat is also confused to see the journals. He is told that Riya had asked Madhav to read Chetan Bhagat’s books to improve his English, so that’s how he thought it would be best to take the journals to the author. #LogicDividedByZero

Because if there's one symbolic memory that you have of your half-ex, it is of her being a supporter of Chetan Bhagat's literature. *slow clap*

Let’s just say that we’re glad she didn’t ask him to read Wren & Martin.

Moving on… Madhav, who we will now call Dr. Logic, tells Chetan to dispose of the books the way he pleases. Mr. Bhagat bids Dr. sa'ab goodbye and dumps the journals into the garbage bin before he decides to go to bed. Except, with so much literature lying in his book rack aka the koode daan, his conscience is all like: Bro, utth ja. Dekh shayad koi story mil jaaye picture banane ke liye.



Chetan then reads the journals through the night and phones Dr. Logic early morning. Dr. sa'ab reaches C-Bag’s room soon enough and is asked to read some of Riya’s diary entries. #Picture Abhi Baaki Hai Mere Dost

Through the journal, Madhav learns about the domestic violence his lady had to go through in her marriage, about how she was sexually abused as a child and about how Madhav’s mother had told her to stay away from him because of which she had to make up the cancer story and leave Mr. Jha to his own misery. (Wow, so much plot twist. *yawn*)

Dr. Logic remembers that Riya always spoke about wanting to be a singer at a bar in New York and therefore, she must be in New York. (Here, we accord him the title of Sherlock.) Mr. Holmes requests a few of his friends at the Gates Foundation to get him a three month internship in Manhattan. They oblige and Sherlock travels to the Big Apple in search of cray-cray. On his last night in America, he finds out where the crazy woman could be singing, runs seven miles in the snow to reach her and stands in front of her while she sings with her eyes closed. #CreepyFeelzzz.


Riya opens her eyes at the end of the song and both cry like do kilo pyaaz katwa diye. Then the couple heads over to Riya’s place to do what bunnies do because poori book mein nahi kiya.

(So much naatak for just one moment of action! I mean, college mein hi settlement ho jaati toh all of this drama wouldn't have happened. Too much moral of the story, this.)

The story (umm?) ends with Mr. Chetan Bhagat being shown around the rural school by Madhav and Riya, who are now married and have a son (awww?). Also, this Chetan is very vella, visiting schools and all!

Given how the storyline has so much depth, it is worth mentioning that through the course of the book, the author touches upon all possible social evils that he can spell out, including but not limited to illiteracy, domestic violence, corruption, casteism and sexual abuse. There’s also a hint of cancer and hygiene. But most importantly, the book is about the two biggest social evils of all: an author’s attempt to star in the movie adaptation of his book, and stupidity. Both, not necessarily mutually exclusive.


109 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Lovey, Amreekey tohn vi mera blawg padhda? :')

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  2. @@@@@ x100 (This was better than all of C-Bag's books. Combined. XD)

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    1. I initially thought the "X100" was "XOXO" and my heart skipped a beat, but yeh toh multiplication by hundred hai. Chal koi ni. Thanks :D

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  3. well...i feel the book wasn't that bad. :/ i mean...don't tell me you didn't feel bad while reading riya's letter when she leaves patna or madhav's struggle in the states. i do agree it had too much emotional stuff and was a typical bollywood screenplay, but the story was pretty touching, no?

    sorry, no jalebis this time. :'/

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    Replies
    1. I didn't feel bad at all, bruh. Maybe I'm patthar dil only.

      Also, the book touched me in ways considered inappropriate.

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  4. Oh, dear God. If only Mr Bhagat's books were half as hilarious as this summary!

    No, but, seriously. I admire the guy's imagination. Because when you need funding for a social cause, of course you will contact one of the richest people on Earth. As for the best international spot for one's married life! London, duh! And ob-vi-ous-ly she went to New York for her dream job! Such creative ideas, I CANNOT EVEN.

    But the realllly out-of-the-box concept? The idea that Chetan Bhagat's books are good for improving one's English. Standing ovation, boss.

    Extremely noble of him to touch such diverse social issues, though. If I didn't know better I would think he put that stuff in for Bollywood-baiting. But, no; the very thought 'appals' me!

    Too good, man. The day I read Two States, I decided to stay away from Chetu bhaiya's fine literature. It is simply too much for my low-IQ brain to handle.
    Have your jalebis!
    @@@@@@@@

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    Replies
    1. It's a screenplay for a Bollywood movie, and how! But such a great businessman, this guy. Pehle script bech ke paise kamaao, phir movie bana ke. Ab toh he will be a hero too :')

      P.S. I feel pathetic about my life. I haven't even started working on a book. What am I even doing!!

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    2. sooo true...I haven't either..started three at the same time..finished none (sigh)

      Do not want to sound idiotic and pessimistic and like am the Tolstoy of my generation, but getting to know CB's every book sells like a piece of newlydiscovered literature, I kind of lose it...I mean, is that the formula that works in the market now? For getting people to hear your voice? No offense meant,All the non-English speaking might be getting the kicks out of reading "literature", making the population of reader touch a million or so, CB is the least of inspirations!

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  5. LOL! Loved reading this hilarious post. And quirky visuals too!
    Now for the first time I feel like reading something crap too, just to make fun of it.

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    Replies
    1. Yes!! I'd love to read that. Why don't you review one by Durjoy Dutta? :D

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    2. Nice... Bt girlfriend half hi hoti h chor k,chali jati h :(

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    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    4. Also, try Ravinder Singh novels... They also make you feel that you are reading a script of some Bollywood movie... They should make movies on them... Really cool

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  6. @@@@@ Sarthak.You saved me the misery! Commendable job here. I almost felt like watching Kannan Gill and Biswa's pretentious movie reviews. Kudos. :) :)

    P.S : Hopefully you remember me. :P

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    Replies
    1. That's a huge compliment, Swaja madam!

      P.S. And c'mon, of course I remember you! Kai zhala and all that :D

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  7. Guffaw! CBag decoded! This book is being adapted into movie? Yeah Must be by Farah Khan! Oops there are just too many :)

    Punch packed review...loved it!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Ekta! Mohit Suri and Ekkta Kapoor bought the rights. *double sigh*

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    2. Oh My God! What the title would be? Kkkya aap half girlfriend ho? part 2

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  8. This definitely deserves 'dabul' the amount of jalebis man. Just so hilarious(and informative) this was :D ;)
    And some should be sent C-Bag's way too I think, for writing such masterpieces :P

    Loved it!! @@@@@@@@@@

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    Replies
    1. Usama! Much shukriya's and dhanyawaad's. You don't comment too often, but when you do, *butterflies in my stomach* :D

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  9. Cool way of admitting you've read the book.
    And i thought Riya had to die coz she considered C-bag's lit as fit.
    But his lit even makes dead come alive.
    Khair, i went through his janampatri.
    It is in his karma to earn money by such shit.
    What to do,his kismet...
    But for this top-trash,ask auntiji to feed you kalakand.
    Likhte rehna,Sarthakji.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, I say to you,
      For visiting and commenting too.
      I'd have liked it if you had left your name,
      But anyway, it's all just the same.
      I'm surprised you know I love kalakand!
      Who are you? An acquaintance or an old friend?

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    2. Sarthak,I know you must get this quite har baar,
      That you look good with hairs, then why do you shaved your head yaar?
      And don't you think that i'm hitting on you, as even i'm khabardaar,
      That one will end up in jail, agar uspe lag gye dhara teen show satah taar,
      And why do you think Sherlock's mother made that story about Can-saar?
      Yes! She wanted to take revenge with her for recommending such a great piece of litre-chaar,
      So that he could learn a few words, taaki uski english mein ho sudhaar.
      And now that the movie is going to be released, do watch it in your nearby theataar,
      But be careful before booking your tickets, as it comes with a discle-maar,
      That if you don't believe in fairy tales and pyaar-vyaar,
      Then don't come and watch this, as this is going to be the 150 minutes of torch-chaar,
      Anyways, magnificently you have written the kahaani ka saar,
      Just keep on writing like this, blogs ke duniya ke Gul-zaar!

      P.S. The name is Sinha, Rahul Sinha.

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  10. So sorry that you had to waste your precious time on this crap of a book. Personaly, I never liked c bhagat's bollywood screenplays/books. But, with this book he has reached the next level...Ekta kapoor's TV shows.

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    Replies
    1. I'm really glad that I wasted my time on it. You don't get such fodder to write about every day!

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  11. Best one was #logicDividedByZero. Amazing one :)

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  12. Man ! Where were you all this while ! I stumbled across your blog accidentally and I'm in love already ! Fucking hilarious ������

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    1. Main toh yahin tha. Tum kahan thi!

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    2. Kahi Ye kismat ka koi haseeen ishaara to Nahi ! :O :p :D

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  13. Hahahhaa. Maza aa gaya sacchi. By god Sexy jhand kari hai. Meri taraf se halwai atta khol hi lo. Kamal ho tum.

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    Replies
    1. Yaar, thanks yaar. Tune kya dil se comment likha hai :D

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  14. @@@@@@@@
    this is totally HILARIOUS!!!

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  15. Did your girlfriend inspire this?

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    Replies
    1. Why would anyone's girlfriend inspire this!?

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  16. @@@@
    so I read the book, because well, because of the hype *embarrassed*
    And then I read your review and I went like 'Oh My God, this should be printed, put into an envelope made of pages of the book and gifted to Mr. Bhagat for his "innovative" efforts :p

    P. S. The deal where she says it's okay to be more than friends but no physical relationship doesn't sound shitty to me [the only thing in the book that didn't], just saying :D

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    Replies
    1. Haha. Well, you're anonymous, yes. And if I were to go by gender stereotypes, I'm sure most guys won't agree with you :D

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  17. I havent dared to read the book, coz of the appalling title itself (makes you visualise just the torso of a girl). But your "gayee bhains paani mein" and "which english speaking girl would want to spend her last days with a hindi wala" lol...had me in splits! Laughed so hard my colleagues turned around to look at me!

    Since I haven't read it, I'll go by your humorous review and not read it. It's too much of a chore actually. With global warming, early aging, impending alien attack and general shittiness of life, I really cant pick up a CB book and kill my kindred spirits. For starters, I really thought it very boastful and pompous of CB to claim in his book that Riya had asked Madhav to go meet CB (for better English or whatever the heck it is)...I mean okay, half a billion people in this country have lost their minds and propelled him to the sky-high position he is in right now, but its toooo much to think ur some expert on love, relationships, whatever...
    atleast not in your own book..
    atleast not for teaching English
    atleast not BY Chetan Bhagat who writes horrible English woven into overbaked filmy bloopers

    It disgusts me no end coz Bollywood will not lose a minute to milk CB and his masterful creation, for what it's worth. And then from the 30 second shaadi.com ad, we are going to see CB in a full-length 10-15 minute role..heck, if Bolly directors feel like adapting this shit and try getting Bhagat to become a "friend, philosopher, guide" to Madhav, in his dark, dark hours...shit will hit the roof for good.

    and btw, with the chocolatey image of the moronic-looking man along with this internal dialogue "bhai, pyaar nahin mila toh ka chocolat bhi chhod den??" u hav permanently ruined the image of "love" for me :p :p

    hats off Sarthak!! Awesome post!

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha. I'd suggest you read the book anyway. It makes me feel pathetic for not having started working on a book till date!

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  18. Ohh, and I'd give you 10 on 5 for this...an extra 5 jalebis for making me laugh so hard!!

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    1. Half girlfriend book 📚 very interesting and I love this book but I say I am not speaking in English
      So any mistake soosory

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  19. Lol :D
    this is like really nice :D
    @@@@@ ^_^

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  20. This is the reason why Chetan Bhagat should not write anymore ! :D

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    1. Or probably the reason why he should :D

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  21. this is so funny :D absolutely love it ! what amazes me is the fact the crap never ceases, come what may , year after year, book by book with the "maha dramatic" turn of events.

    Anyhow good job ! I say lets open a halwai shop , i mean @@@@@ :D

    Ps: food does trump true love :D chicken to be precise !

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    Replies
    1. Thank you!

      Cease the Crap! Seize the Crap! Crape-diem! :D

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  22. @@@@@@@@@
    ROFL!!!!
    gave you five extra jalebis for summing up the whole book perfectly!!!
    a big thumbs up to you


    your writing is so great
    i will obviously rate
    extra jalebis to you
    lets open a halwai shop
    which will be so brand new you
    totally in love with your writing!!! :)

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  23. dude ur parody hit that underlying hate for c-bag novels..... u rock.
    P.S hansraj at adarsh nagar in delhi serves best jalebi and samose. recommended

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    Replies
    1. Really? Must try it out fo'sho! Thank you.

      P.S. My dadaji's first name is Hansraj too :D

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    2. ( THUMBS UP ) do try for a discount :)

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  24. Gimme a way to share this!!!!!!!!!!

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  25. I am just half way through and I am laughing so bad that I had to take a break.. Sarthak.. Dude you have a talent.. Please use it.. Probably you should write Bollywood scripts for comedy movies..
    The only book with which I acknowledged C-Bag ( BTW, I did not know he is called that, I like it :D ) as a writer was "2 States" and that too bahut dil bada karke..
    I will give you 100 jelabis ! XOXO

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    Replies
    1. And forgot to add.. this guy is now a judge on ' Nach Baliye' I heard.. I mean like W-H-A-T!!!??? ( Mind-blowing waala WHAT )... Isse achtha toh shaadi.com ke ads kar leta..

      XOXO(again) ... Asha !

      PS: Can't wait to read your other reviews of C-Bag's books..

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    2. Hi, Anon! Thank you for reading, and taking out time to write such a long comment! I hope this will keep you coming back for more :)

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  26. Awesome summary ... c-bag in your face!!!!! Hilarious man and yeah the book mind numbing dumb

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    1. Haha. I tweeted the link to him. He didn't reply :(

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  27. @@@@@

    Abey isko toh apples ki spelling bhi nahi aati hahahah

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    Replies
    1. You liked this joke? Thank you and congratulations, our sense of humor is equally lame :D

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  28. Omg..... :'D I had a good laugh while reading the book because of its stupidity.... But this review made me laugh 10 times more.. Oh god logic divided by zero.. To good... :'D if chetan Bhagat sold this... The number of copies sold will be double than the original book...

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  29. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE WAY YOU WRITE!

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  30. je baat launde!!!! by god C.bhagat jaldi dekhe ye post aur roke apna torture !!!

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    Replies
    1. Haha. But he's doing what he does best. So we'll let him do it anyway :)

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  31. Replies
    1. Bet a hundred bucks this will come out as a movie in 2017.

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    2. Sarthak Ahuja ji u were wrong.. THE HALF GIRLFRIEND movie is going to release shortly in 2016 instead of 2017.. ;)

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  32. better than original.... dear...

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  33. I had to read Half Girlfriend because my girl friend liked it... it was her first novel. I felt miserable every second. I literally forced myself to complete it as fast as I can. I didn't know CB novels are this bad. I am never touching any of his books again.

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    Replies
    1. It wasn't that bad after all. There's humor in everything, my friend.

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  34. Sarthak Ahuja ji u were wrong.. THE HALF GIRLFRIEND movie is going to release shortly in 2016 istead of 2017.. ;)

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  35. Sarthak. If it's not too much trouble, please post an honest summary of One Indian Girl. I don't want to read the book, but would kill for your hilarious summary of it!

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    Replies
    1. Hi, Ashwini! I just borrowed the book from a friend today. Hoping I can find the time to do this :)

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  36. I don't like love story but I like the emotion of this story. Yes it is dramatic at middle but the author have placed that scene enjoyable. I liked it, its nice.

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  37. Yes, Ashutosh, I agree. The author have placed that scene very enjoyable.

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  38. oooooooooooooppppppppppppooooooooooooooooooo

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  39. It was hilariously awesome. why don't you write a summary on ONE INDIAN GIRL

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  40. @^∞
    I have not laughed this much in a good while. :D

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  41. @@@@@ - Genuine comments, I mean apart from the great comic text, the memes are just awesome. I was reading it out loud and really enjoying the fake accent i could generate while doing so... great work btw... you should start writing similar summaries for Bollywood movies. Cheers bro!

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  42. This is awesome ... it saves me from reading the book & watching that shit movie as well. Thanks Bud

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    Replies
    1. Now no need to watch the movie.. story is good but boring to watch at the cinema for 2.5 hours...

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  43. Instead of #logic Divide by Zero it should be #Array out of Bound for C'Bags..Lolzzz

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  44. lol marry me..just kidding! You have an amazing sense of humor! Tweeted it to c-bag :D (c-bag reminds me of phoebe and mike, though! :D) Keep writing!

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  45. Lol-ed through out..Thanks for the awesomeness.. :D

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  46. I read thay riya had cancer will she diee

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  47. No matter what U guys say.I liked the movie a lot. If the story line' is so dumb why don't u write one.'duh'.

    The honest summary was awesome by the way.

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  48. This post just made me laugh so loud. An honest yet totally funny summary. For this reason alone, i am going to get my hands on this book, just to figure out if the summary was funnier or the book ( well i don't really think it is going to be funny, unless we look at all the random stuff that happens)

    @@@@@- I am definetly opening you a Halwai Shop

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    ReplyDelete

If you had 5 Jalebis, how many would you give me for writing this post?

None = You don't deserve any >:O
@ = Soggy and stale! :(
@@ = Stale! :|
@@@ = I'll need a samosa to digest this with! :P
@@@@ = Sweet and Crisp! :)
@@@@@ = I'm opening you a Halwai Shop! :D