Saturday, January 31, 2015

The State of FM Radio in Delhi

The emotions I feel while surfing FM radio stations while driving from Gurgaon to Delhi:

91.1: *check if it's playing a new song, else move on*
92.7: *skip, 'cuz it only plays dadaji music*
93.5: *default station* Bauuwaaaa!
94.3: *sing along if it's an English song you know the lyrics to, else skip*
95: *WTF! Since when did this become a Hindi music channel*
98.3: *RJ Naved, respect*
102.6: *skip with ninja speed*
104: *how many stations has Nitin worked with! Ah, this one's a good song*
104.8: *please God, this is my last hope before I start the whole skipping loop again*
106.4: *why is this even on my saved channels!*

*rinse and repeat*

Quick scoop about the Radiosphere: Khurafati Nitin got married, and with such swag! He wore some royal orange sherwani for the wedding and looked like a motichoor ka laddoo, which, by the way, is my favorite mithai, so it's quite a compliment.

Also, did you know that he got a hair transplant a year ago? Probably because he had an arranged marriage and all the aunties he met were like, "thoda ganja ganja type hai ladka", but he's rocking it like a pro (at having hair?) and making me super jealous because I want a sponsor for a hair transplant. I'll do a promotional blog post in return, Dr. Batra, hello?

For all those who're thinking that I probably know so much about this Nitin guy because I was invited to his wedding; no, I wasn't. But, for the first ten years of my life, I lived in a gated colony called Pundrik Vihar in Pitampura, which was adjoining to a Xavier's Apartments. My dad would drop me at the school bus stop every morning, where Nitin would come to see his younger brother off. All the parents/elder siblings would talk about aunty-uncle things, and I remember how when my dad would ask Nitin what he was studying for, he would say that he wanted to be a Radio Jockey. This was back in the year 1995, and just because I used to see him at the bus stop every morning before school, I like stalking him on facebook and knowing what's up with him in life. Apparently, he has a super swag oozing Jaguar too. I never knew RJ's made so much money! <spoken like a true Punjabi aunty, that>

In unrelated news, why in frig is that buddhi BJP aunty on radio all like, "jhoothe vaade deke bhaag gaya, muft paani ka vaada karke bas aansu de gaya." So subtle! I wonder why there isn't a code of ethics for campaigning by political parties which this advert breaches. It also pains me a bit to see how much of the money goes to waste when the  Congress campaigns on the radio. I like their tenacity though. Some balls you need to be all:

"Yeh development kisne karwayi?"
"Congress ne"
"Yeh Metro kisne banwayi?"
"Congress ne"
"Yeh school, colleges kisne banwaaye?"
"Congress ne"
"Toh phir vote kise doge?"
"Congress ko"
"Dekha! Sayi baat ekdum dil se nikalti hai. Isliye Congress ko vote do."

I mean, yeah, the government was quite shit, but so much so that the writer for the ad didn't give a fuck while writing the script either. Abey, last question aisa frame karta ke answer "Congress NE" toh hota! But then the only concluding question he must've been able to logically come up with would've been: "Desh walon ko chu kisne banaya?" So, yeah, nice cover up.

And, even though I wouldn't want to be tagged as a "BJP Bhakt" or "AAPtard" or um, "Congress Conman?", but this BJP promotional song is super catchy!

Coming to all the prank calls these radio stations make, ab thoda zyada ho raha hai. Only Rounak as Bauaa is funny (at times). The others with their "filam banana" and all such jazzy names for prank-calling seem just as insincere as "Mr. Computer, freeze it please" after the classic "Computer ji, lock kiya jaaye". So, if these people are listening, please just let one radio station do this. Take turns, if you may.

Also, I don't understand how people don't recognize the Bauaa voice by now. Hell, the guy doesn't even change his name! Either they call a hundred people to look for one who meets the following criteria:

1. Being unaware of who Bauaa is.
2. Having the time to engage in such a discussion.
3. Curses the ma-behens out of the caller and always, ALWAYS, asks Bauaa to take the <Hindi muhavra> up his ass.

Or, this is super scripted. Not like raise-to-the-power-of-something kinda super-scripted, but like really, insanely unhyphenated super scripted.

Moving on, I would like to give a special mention to "Barah se do, maa-behen ka show" for the most creative program title ever! Cracks me up every time I hear it.

Finally, I don't know if I've been ignoring FM Rainbow too much to stumble upon it or it's no longer played on air, but I miss this wayyyyy too much:

"You've got the music coming, night and day,
FM is ready for you,
In the morning or late at night,
Woah! You gotta let the music play!
AIR, FM stereo. All the taaaaaaime. On All India Radio!"

If you haven't heard it in a while too; here, I looked it up online juss4u.

Oooh, also, before I go, you must know that I can't really describe the image of what I think Bauaa would look like in real life. If you have one such image of the character in your head too, throw it my way in the comments; we'll try to match :D

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Saturday, January 17, 2015

Food Fuss Fluff

From flying morsels of rotis like airplanes and making them land into my mouth to packing my lunchbox for work every day, my mother has come a long way in raising me to be a strong kid. She probably knows more about my food habits than I do myself. But given the number of times I get falsely accused of not having my greens, the need of the hour is a written code for my dietary expectations. I plan to put this up in the kitchen as a Ready Reckoner for Mummy-Pie and update it on a regular basis. I hope she takes it with a pinch of salt. Swaadanusaar.

#1: Bhindi is a green vegetable!

#2: Kuchh bhi (n.): A valid answer to the question “kya banaun khaane mein” that implies by default the exclusion of lauki-tinda-tori and karela from all possible food options.

#3: “Apni biwi jab banaayegi, tab toh chup chaap kha loge” is not a good enough response to “Yaar, kya! Aapko pata hai main ghiya nahi khaata!”

#4: Neither is “Main toh tab bhi khaana khud bana ke khilaati hoon. Shaadi ke baad tumhari biwi khaana banaaye na banaaye, uski koi guarantee bhi nahi hai.”

#5: Baingan is grown for making bharta and not aaloo-baingan.

#6: Palak Paneer is awesome. Only Palak is not.

#7: “Dal” or “Chhole” are completely acceptable answers to “Kaunsi sabzi khaaoge?”

#8: Dal = Makhni > Yellow Moong > Channa > Arhar > Green Moong

#9: Sunday lunch = Rajma Chawal

#10: Parmal falls in the same category as lauki-tinda-tori.

#11: White Chhole > Black Channe

#12: Home-made Dessert = Chilled Kheer > Piping Hot Halwa

#13: I eat the less tasty sabzi first. You should see it when I put it on my plate. You always tend to notice when there’s none left on my plate.

#14: Aaloo ka Parantha > Paneer ka Parantha > Gobhi ka Parantha > Mooli ka Parantha.

#15: Aaloo Gobhi is nice, Aaloo Beans is not.

#16: Don’t mash all the lauki-tinda-tori or petha into the Bhaaji and serve it as Pav Bhaaji.

#17: Idli and Dosa are yum. Upma is okay only.

#18: No! Don’t put any ghee on my roti! Noooooo!

#19: Parantha for breakfast. Phulka for lunch and dinner. Rice for any time of the day.

#20: Kadhi Chawal, Sambhar Chawal, Rajma Chawal, Dal Chawal, Chhole Chawal, Channe Chawal. Awesome Chawal.

#21: Fruits = Mango > Watermelon > Orange > Grapes > Peach > Banana > Pear > Apple

#22: The karela and methi are kadva. I have no idea why papa says they aren’t at all!

#23: Mumma! Doodh mein thodi coffee daal do.

#24: Gala kharaab mein adrak wali chai!

#25: Salad = Cucumber > Tomato > Onion > Carrot

#26: The food you make is so tasty because of all the love you put in.

#27: I am never psyched at the idea of haldi wala doodh.

#28: Chyawanprash is both tasty and disgusting in a way that I don’t hate it, but I don’t feel like having it on my own either.

#29: I keep forgetting to have water the whole day! Please keep reminding me to have a glassful till I fall into the habit. Thanks :)

#30: The Shahi Paneer you make is world-best!

#31: Do not fry the pakode in front of me. I will eat them before they go into the kadhi. Same goes for kofte.

#32: What is this thing about papa not being able to resist malaai? It’s disgusting. Hate it when little shreds of it come into my mouth even after chhanofying the whole glass of milk twice.

#33: Attempting to make dhokla at home never ends well.

#34: If I ever help you peel matar, expect me to eat a pea from each pod.

#35: You are an awesome cook. Nani is even better!

P.S. I know you always take the last one as a compliment as long as it’s not Dadi who I compare you with. Muhuhahaha!

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