Saturday, June 6, 2015

A Man's Guide to Tinder

Thanks to Tinder, the past two weeks have made me realize how much I love my blog. Because even posts with zero comments show better stats than the number of Tinder matches I get in a day week month ever. Given my failure at the dating app, I am obviously not qualified enough to offer you any tips on doing Tinder like a pro, but my innate Indianness gets the better of me, and here goes.

Now, the women obviously don’t need any advice on being successful here because women, so I shall try to direct this monologue towards men who are just about to enter the world of Tinder and will invariably make the same mistakes as I did. I’m being vulnerable here and admitting to the crap I’ve done so far, but let the guys know that I’m taking this fall for the team.

Mistake #1: Gross Underestimation of Other Men on Tinder

It is natural for you to assume that every other idiot on this app will be some loser from the ladies’ “others” folder on facebook, and you’re like some charming answer to womankind’s prayer of Shah Rukh Khan, with your handsome display picture and a well thought of bio, where you crack all these intelligent puns and the women will be right swiping you like you’re a watermelon in Fruit Ninja.

Except, every guy thinks just the same. Now you may think that every other guy -thinks- that he is funny and good looking and will actually be silly enough to put up a car selfie with shades that cover a percentage of his face that would qualify as a special resolution in a general meeting, but sorry to break it to you again: every guy thinks just the same. So, with your intelligence and smartness and “Engineer”, “Chartered Accountant”, “Lawyer” or whatever other bullcrap you may put up in an attempt to impress, will not help.

Also, practically no guy thinks that he does not look dapper in a car selfie with shades that are big enough to be worn as a bikini top. So boo yeah, big boy.

Tip #1: Remove that stupid car selfie.
Tip #2: Do not underestimate your competition.
Tip #3: Your degree will most probably not impress as much as you think it would.

Mistake #2: Trying to Find a Hack to the Discovery Preferences

It goes without saying that you will set your discovery area to the maximum limit and in the process convert miles to kilometers because, “bhai, aadat padi huyi hai; kilometer mein hi samajh aata hai”. You will exhibit a two second look of awe on noticing that 100 miles convert to 161 kilometres and not 160 as you had always believed. Which reiterates that your frikkin’ engineering degree has been a waste.

Now you will mentally calculate the lower age limit of the women you wish to date that would not make you a creep. You will set the age as <your age minus 4> because even though you’re shameless enough to want to discover a wider range of women, you realize that women in their twenties would rarely go beyond four years older, and there’s a very low chance that you will find Kareena Kapoor on Tinder. (Note: do not swipe right on that picture of Kareena Kapoor. It is not Kareena Kapoor, you idiot)

Further, <your age plus 2> would seem like an appropriate upper limit because Abhishek Bachchan ki biwi bhi toh usse badi hai, and today’s women are modern feminists, yada yada. Good luck getting right swipes, smartass.

Mistake #3: Realizing that you’re not getting as many matches as you thought you would and then feeling the urge to check out what is so special about all the other men on Tinder

Never make the mistake of going to the discovery preferences and selecting the “men” option in an attempt to find out what is it that the others have and you lack. You will soon find yourself flooded with swipe cards of men with the swankiest of hairstyles, smooth cuts around the biceps and pictures that could pass off on a cover of GQ. Your confidence will take a bigger hit and you may find yourself wallowing in your miserable ugly existence.

You might call a lady friend and rant about how all the men on Tinder are so gorgeous, making her wonder what in the world are you high on. She’ll ask how you discovered that and then will burst out laughing because you, my brilliant friend, had been checking out all the men who prefer to date one of their own brethren.

Save yourself the embarrassment, and no matter how many times you get unmatched after having finally gotten a match, do not lose your confidence. Do. Not. Lose. Your Confidence.

Mistake #4: Swiping Right even on the Deep Quotes, Sunflowers and Selena Gomez’s to get a Match

As soon as you join Tinder, you’ll have all these hot women cards being thrown your way and you’ll be all like, “Wtf! How are all these hot women on Tinder”, followed by incessant right swipes and a hope to match with at least one of them. Two days and zero matches later, you’ll realize that beggars can’t be choosers. You won’t care to open the card and read her bio, look for mutual friends or see if her other pictures match the face on the first photo. You’ll be right swiping like a wild Akshay Kumar from Chandni Chowk to China with your life’s motto being: tumhari sabse badi skill hai woh ek move jo tumne hazaaron baar practice kiya hai. Except, you soon learn that Bollywood movies give terrible life lessons.

Another day will pass and you will wonder why the number of cards that show up have reduced terribly. You’ll try to find a hack online and discover that if you go on a right-swiping spree, Tinder limits the number of cards that you get to swipe on because you’re being a desperate little bitch.

Soon, the following list of characteristics that may be deal breakers comes up, thus helping you decide who all you should be left swiping on.

  1. No photo/Celebrity photo/Deep Quote: You might cheat and right swipe on a few from this category, but like it’ll get you a match. Haha.
  2. Firang women: You realize that kuchh time mein shaadi ki umar aa rahi hai aur ghar wale isse shaadi toh karaayenge nahi, toh chhodo bhai, koi faayda nahi hai.
  3. Women you know in real life: Because none of them ever swipe right on you. Aur saale, number phone mein hai bhi, tab bhi kya ukhaad liya aaj tak.
  4. Ex-girlfriend: Been there, done that. And, if you’re still in love with her, refer to point “3” above.
  5. Pouty Selfie: You won't put this on the list, but please do. Let them know what it feels like when someone left swipes on a dashing car-selfie. *heartbreak*
  6. Woman beyond 50 kms: Looks can be deceiving. Nothing remotely decent breeds within the range of 50 to 160 kms.

Mistake #5: Trying to Rewrite an Intelligent Bio

Because you’re so creative, let me guess what your super smart bio reads. Also, none of the following will work for you, inter alia, because no one knows what women want.

Further, I would also suggest left swiping on every woman who has one of these. If you can see more than half the bio coming, it’s not worth it.

  1. Love intelligent conversations: Wow, Captain Obvious! Totally didn’t know that there were others who loved dumb conversations.
  2. Sapiosexual: You picked this word up from some ScoopWhoop post on 10 Intelligent Words for the Modern Bullshitter. Very intelligent source of learning, my friend.
  3. Foodie: This is how you frikkin’ survive: by eating food. Might as well put a “Breather”.
  4. Swipe left if u typ lyk dis: If you put this in your bio, you love being a pretentious prick. You could just swipe left on people you find to be such typists, but no; you have to say it because you’re such a goddamn pretentious prick who needs to go back to his/her timeline from Circa 2008.
  5. Not looking to date: This person’s just here to give herself an ego boost and look at the number of matches rise. Unhealthy relationship alert. Also, this applies specifically to women because no guy is ever not looking to date.
  6. Wanderlust: Second ScoopWhoop word of the day. Follows it up with “swipe left if you’re looking for a hookup”.

Mistake #6: Not Being ZaidAliT or That Friend who is a Mutual Connection with Every Goddamn Woman on Tinder

How, Tushar Bedi and Avnish Anand? How?

You Love With Your Gut

You don’t love with your heart; you love with your gut. You ingest small quirks of another and make them a part of you; churning within your body with memories that you slowly absorb, pushing them till they form part of your blood, like nutrition. You feed on it, breaking morsels down to particles, with saliva that tells you how it tastes so good and you wouldn’t ever have anything else. It cleanses your insides, making you a better person, happy and well fed. It nourishes your brain, makes endorphins dance around in a way that shows in your two feet. It regenerates.

You make way for more to come, pushing away the inessentials and absorbing all that seems good. Particle by particle, it collects in you, growing pinch by pinch; salt and sugar. It grows till it hurts one day, clogging inside of you, the sweetness that your gut cannot tell the taste of. The bile that rushes to your dry throat, leaving an unforeseen bitterness that would recur but refuse to leave the system. You want more of it, but you cannot seem to handle what you’ve already got.

You call this love a part of you: your heart, an essential organ that hurts so bad but you can’t live without. No matter how tight you grip your chest, the pain doesn’t fade because it resides in your gut, the appendix. You gag till tears run down your eyes, wanting to let it all out, but it doesn’t. You laxate, meditate, detox, and eventually have your appendix removed; that godforsaken organ that had no use inside you. Healing slowly, you blame the heart for the hurt it caused, not realizing that you only followed what your gut had to say.

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